Future Uncertainty.

 I've had uncertainties about my future before. But it was never to the extent of me being broke, homeless, and dead. 

Now? 

It's a possibility that I believe could beat other odds of how my future could turn out. 

It's also scary to think that I've gotten to this stage of my life. As I've always seen how others are affected by this, I have never thought I will experience it firsthand. Simply because I've always been careful in ensuring that I have enough to survive my days of unemployment should I ever decide to resign from my job. 

But a lot of things happen here and there and I found myself trapped in a situation that I can barely get out of and until today, I am quite unsure of how to get out of this miserable situation. I am embarrassed to face my friends, embarrassed to tell them what has been keeping me troubled. Embarrassed that I got myself in this situation in the first place and I don't think I'll be brave enough to tell them until I manage to get things to sort out. 

My current fear? 

How long will that take?

I've talked about this quite a number of times but it's still funny to think how different things have turned out from the way I imagined it when I was younger. 

I'm 28, I have no savings, no investment, no job, and no partner. 

And I wonder if this is a cycle that I will go through for the rest of my life. 

I wonder if I will keep begging and borrowing money from friends because I never have enough to sustain my lifestyle for longer than a month. 

I wonder if I'll be single till the day I die and I wonder who is going to take care of my funeral if I end up poor and homeless. 

With my parents gone and my siblings, god knows where, I wonder if I'll have anyone at the end of the day. 

A lot of these things are occupying my mind now that I'm reaching 30. 

It's my fault that I didn't prepare myself more for this. It's my fault that I take so much time to wallow in my own misery that I actually didn't do much about it. 

I wish I was different. I wish I was more independent and goal-oriented. I wish I was better. 

Spring Night

A hellish week. 

A hellish day. 

A hellish hour. 

A hellish minute. 

A hellish second.

I haven't had a bad episode in a while. But two weeks ago, it started. I could feel it brewing, hot on my chest but I tried to suppress it as much as I can. Like I always have.

But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I let it happen. Sometimes I get too tired. Sometimes I don't know what was even happening.  And that was what happened 2 weeks ago. 

I was determined though this time. Determined to pull through this one without a scratch.  But the more I tried the more difficult it became for me to take control. 

Honestly at this point I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. But again, honestly, that was how it felt for the past two weeks. 

There are times, moments, seconds where I'd be up in the sky. And the next second I'd be hitting my head on the wall repeatedly trying to figure out why I was feeling so fucking terrible. What's even worse was that it happened during office hours and one of my colleagues had to take me to the hospital to get my head checked. 

With Ama's wedding in a few days, new syllabus and programs that I have to prepare for at work, other friends and tensions rising around me, I can only muster enough energy to not go on a path of immediate destruction. 

Friends started asking if I was okay and the more they asked the more I knew I wasn't. But I couldn't answer because how would I answer? What could I possibly say to them to make them understand that No, I'm not okay. But I also don't know why I'm not okay. I know it's because of my bipolar disorder 2. But the real cause behind it? The real reason behind it? I really don't know. 

And what can they do after that? Console me? Comfort me? Say that it's all gonna be okay like I don't already know that? 

I rarely have anxieties anymore. I have been able to handle that pretty well for the past few years, but somehow, it was adamant on making a comeback two weeks ago. Like it missed seeing me in such a disheveled state. Like it missed seeing me break down after a social interaction. 

I hated that. I hated that I've come so far. That it took me so long to come this far. And it only took seconds to make it seem like I haven't tried at all. Like I was back at the start.

I didn't tell my friends. I didn't tell anyone. Because everytime I tell someone about one of my episodes it felt like I'm just making an excuse to be a bitch to everyone. And that's the last thing I want my friends to think of me.

But I was in a really bad shape. In a sense where even when my phone rings, signalling a text came in, I'd find it hard to breathe. I'd find it hard to respond. To say anything that would fit appropriate social contexts. So I started responding to text as short as possible. And if it's not necessary, then I didn't respond at all in the hope that my friends would just assume I was very busy. Fooling people was one thing, but fooling myself was something I never knew how.

More people started asking if I was really alright so I was starting to think that I didn't fool anyone at all. I appreciate all the concerns but there was no way I could respond to any of them without lying. And I hate lying.

So I ignored. Ignored anything or anyone that reminds me that I am not okay. The last thing I need was a reminder of how a mess I was.

Things escalated and I was starting to hurt myself. I had to stop this madness or the madness will inevitably consume my last piece of sanity.

I turned to God. I turned to my medications. I turned to my doctor. And it helped me to atleast go through my day without episodes. But I needed to be okay. Not just fine enough to go through days.

I visited Shafiq's grave. I talked to him. I cried my heart out to him. And my heart finally found the relief it had been desperately looking for. I haven't visited him for  a while now and I wonder if that was the reason I had been so restless. so out of place. so devastatingly clueless.

I went back home and I thanked God for the blessings he had given me.

I lay down on my bed, and put Spring Day on replay, I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a sense of calmness I haven't had in a while.

I was still anxious about a lot of things,  I was aware that my demons were still cradling my shoulders, and I knew I had to face the music sooner or later. But at that moment, I finally could tell myself that it was gonna be okay and I just needed time to readjust certain things in my life

Hi Dal,

By the time you read this, you're probably already in Hertfordshire, awaiting. preparing for your next journey. 

Being an avid language enthusiast, I can't help but use dramatic adjectives so as you continue on reading, if you find things a little bit too cheesy, cringy or dramatic, do ignore my dramatic ass lol. 

This, is my personal blog. Only a few people know about its existence and those who don't are only able to find it through accident searches or if they really want to stalk me. 

I don't usually tell people about my blog because it is a personal space. A personal space where my deepest thoughts can roam free and those who read it are usually people who are free of judgmental opinions. A personal space that lets me say the silliest reflections without the getting the side-eyes from society's norm rules. A place that lets me experience the irony of being personal yet putting it in a space where the public's eye can constantly watch.

But I guess you've become important enough to me that I feel comfortable enough to share my most important space. I know you enough to know that you will never judge what has been written here. (Which takda apa sangat pun lol but well, you never know) 

You know, I used to think that the affection I give to people has to be equally reciprocated by the other person and if I don't receive as much as I give then that person isn't worth fighting for. That person deserve neither attention nor my time. And I've always been hurt by the fact that I always trust people too easily or give more than what I'm supposed to. And due to my possessive and twisted definition of love, I almost lost all of my friends. 

Which is why for a long time, I have always guarded my heart. Keep people at a distance. Make sure nobody knows that they can hurt me eventhough they already did. 

Took months of therapy and self reflection to finally realise that love is selfless. and if I expect to receive when I give. Then that is not love, it is just a barter system. When you do something out of genuine feelings, then there shouldn't be any feelings of needing that person to give back the same amount. That was the first time I realize that maybe my parents love me after all. Always giving without really expecting me to repay all the things they have done for me. 

I finally learn to do that with my friends. To give without expecting anything back. It was hard and still is and I still find myself reluctant to do things for people I KNOW in my heart do not cherish me as much as I cherish them. But I'm trying. I'm trying to be selfless as I can be. 

I know we haven't known each other for very long. But during the short time that I've gotten to know you, I don't know why, how, or what this is, but I've always felt that I could be open to you about things. Like something that tells me she'd listen to what I have to say, and she wouldn't judge. Something that tells me we were supposed to find each other and be friends. Maybe because I know a person who could be with Bangtan since the beginning, a group that special, is probably special too.

And whatever I may or may not have done for you, it was the first time I never felt like I need to be reciprocated back. I just did it because I want to. It was the first time I didn't have to try. And because of that you're sort of special. 

Back then, when I was stanning bangtan, it was hard because I had no one to talk to about them. I had no one to talk to about the meaning of their lyrics and what it means to millions of others who listen to them. And when I met you, it was like stanning them for the first time all over again. It was like I finally found someone who understands I guess.  

And as we cry through the fact that we weren't able to see them during Wings tour and Speak Yourself.  As we cry when we listen to Young Forever being sung at Wembley, as we made a promise to one day, go to their concert together. I have never felt more determined to keep a promise. I have never felt the need to actually make a dream come true. Us in the concert stadium, waving our army bombs, crying while fanchanting our hearts out and going home with our wrecked souls content and happy.

Maybe our friendship is a temporary fate. And maybe it could also be a long-lasting friendship that neither of us could've foreseen. But I just need you to know that I value you a lot and having you around as a friend and a fellow army has been one of the best blessings in my life. (see? dramatic . -.-)

I just would like to apologize if during the course of our short time together, I have hurt you with my actions, or words or anything at all regardless of it being unintentional.  These words somehow are hard to form on my dry chapped lips, and I know the only way I will be brave enough to say all of this to you is through the one place I have always been brave enough to say things that are usually stuck in my throat. 

I  don't know where the future will take me and I don't know whether I will be in yours. But I intend to work hard to make sure you will still be there in mine :) 

Have fun in UK. Stay safe. Be happy. Find yourself and make sure you speak yourself. I will always be just a call or text away if you need anything and support you from afar. 

Maybe I'm being too sentimental.Maybe I'm saying too much. Maybe you don't even feel as much as I do lol. But if there's anything I learn from rehabilitation sessions, it's that don't ever regret not saying things that you should have. 

Plus I'm a Sagittarius I can't help but be an emotional sap -.-

Sincerely, 

Min

Ungratefully lonely

Everybody feels lonely.

I'm accustomed to feeling lonely. I've been alone for the most part of my life. And I can usually endure it. But sometimes it gets the better of me and I don't know what to do. 

And i feel so ungrateful for feeling that. 

I'm never deprived of company. I'm never deprived of attention from friends. I'm never deprived of things that could entertain me throughout the day. And my favourite  pastime is to sit an empty coffee house with my headphones on to cancel out the entire world. 

But sometimes it gets lonely. 

It gets hard to ignore the fact that I don't have anyone. A person. That can give me the sort of attention I need. 

The kind of attention that gives you butterflies in your stomach. The kind of attention that makes you realize everything is gonna be alright after all. The kind of attention you need when you feel like the world will always be against you. 

But I've been searching for it for years. I've been seeking for someone who would be willing to give me that sort of attention. And maybe it is selfish of me to find a person who is willing to give instead of finding it in me to give instead because everybody knows giving is better than receiving. 

Maybe it is selfish. 

It is selfish. 

But aren't we all? 

Rather, isn't selfish a form of self-care.  A silent message from ourselves reminding us that it's ok to put ourselves first sometimes. That it's okay to feel and need and want without bearing guilt on our shoulders.

7 years later

There is one Dua Lipa song called "No Goodbyes". It was one those songs in her self-titled album that I could relate to in so many different levels. Mainly because it was somehow reflecting what I was feeling towards a certain someone. Or rather what I feel about the situation surrounding us. 

The lyric goes "Maybe one day I can see you, We can smile and wave and it'll be okay. Maybe one day it'll be cool and we could just be friends without the complication that it brings when we start saying things. " And I held on to those particular lyrics for so long hoping it would come true. 

I guess it's no news to anyone that I had been in love with the same dude since my high school days. And for a long time, I had a hard time of actually moving on. It took me so long, to numb down the feelings I had for this guy and it took me longer to realize, after 5 years, that maybe all I was in love with is just the feeling and not him anymore.  Even then, I still wasn't so sure of myself. I still wasn't sure that I have completely moved on. Even if it's been 7 years. 

Earlier this year, a friend of mine told me about his engagement and out of nowhere I just cried.  I was in the office and the tears couldn't help but flow. The funny thing was in the beginning, I didn't even know why I cried. I wasn't sad but I was definitely not happy either because I knew in my heart then, that I wasn't in love with this man anymore. So why the hell did the tears form? 

It wasn't until later that I realize I was upset. Upset that he found happiness before me. Upset that he found someone who he can call a soulmate before I did. Call me petty but I suffered more. I suffered hell of a lot more because of all the moving on that I had to do. I carried around this heartache for so many years before it decided to heal. And he didn't need to go through all that because he was never in love with me as I was with him. I don't blame him. I don't hate him. But I couldn't help but feel a little bit of resentment and frustration that he found someone to love before I do. And he did that in the span of years it took me to move on.

Thank goodness that feeling only lasted for a few days because I would feel like an utter sore loser if it lasted till now.  And then a week ago happened. Exactly a week ago. 

I was at the mall when I saw him. He was coming from the opposite direction, and at first glance I immediately recognized him. He looked different, a lot more filled and slightly fairer and for a second there I almost thought I got the wrong person. But I kept looking at him and there was no way it wasn't him. I guess, within those 7 years I changed a lot too because the whole time our path crossed he didn't even look at me once. It was like I was just another face in the crowd that he couldn't care less about. Like always. Like it always had been. 

I called his name. After 7 years, I called his name because I was calling him. And it didn't hurt one bit. Strange. 

He turned around, saw me and we both smiled and said hi. We asked each other what the other is up to and it was surprising to hear that he was actually residing in cyberjaya while I in sepang. What are the odds huh. I noticed he was with his sister and parents. That was the first time I've ever met his family. Who would've thought that the first time I met his parents was after all that happened between us has long gone and disappeared. 

I congratulated him on his engagement and to my surprise it was genuine. He said thank you and smiled sheepishly. He looked so happy and I was glad. 

After that we said our goodbyes and went out separate ways. I saw him, we smiled and wave and we were okay. It was cool that we could just be friends, or rather acquaintances without any complications. 

I realized the whole time that I was talking to him, I didn't feel hurt, sad, or even angry. I just felt excited that I finally saw him again after all these years and I was able to talk to him without my feelings getting in the way. My heart felt so lighthearted and the adrenaline that came with it was because of how unexpected our meeting was.  

As soon as I got back home, I texted hazreeni and told her what happened. I called Jibah reliving the entire moment. I realized through retelling the story, I have completely moved on. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, heck even physically. It may have took me 7 years but I'm finally there. I moved on. And that without falling in love for someone else, which is what I stood behind for so many years. That you can't completely move on until you found someone else to be in love with. That fateful meeting with him proved that wrong. 

For the first time in, ever. I was able to say "I'm fine." and mean it. 

What a relief.

Min Yoongi once said this. 

"What a relief, that we are seven. 

What a relief, that we are together."

And at that time I shed tears because of what it meant to him and the rest of the group. 

And a few days ago, I shed tears because of what it meant to me personally. 

I went out with meteoras a couple of days ago. It's been a while since we hang out with all six of us. The last time we did it wasn't for a very pleasant reason lol. The original reason why we wanted for everyone to meet was because Jibs will be going to Japan next month as a part of her exchange program, but Bat had something bigger in mind. 

She finally gave us our Bridesmaid invitations. And the long impending wedding date. I knew she had already started on wedding preparations, I just didn't expect it to be this year and this soon too. 

19.10.19.  The perfect date for a wedding. 

And as we ate and chat and share stories to celebrate our friend's good news, I leaned back and realize what a relief that we are still the six of us. What a relief that we could still be together. 

Because I don't know what I would've done if we weren't.

For the ones that matter

I've been feeling out of place lately. Out of place. Out of touch. Out of feelings.

I didn't realize how overwhelming those feelings were until just recently.

You see, I've been told by a few friends of mine that my condition is no excuse for my radical and sometimes unexplained behaviour. That whether I'm in control of my own mind or not, I am not allowed to treat people a certain way. Or else I would be considered a toxic friend.

And maybe they're right.

So I'm trying to change that. Trying to be a better person. Or better for the people around me I guess.

But along the way, I lost myself. To be more specific, I lost the ability to feel. To express my inner thoughts.

I became numb. I couldn't smile. I couldn't frown. I couldn't be angry. I couldn't even cry out of frustration. It's like somebody just took away my ability to feel and all I end up feeling is not feeling anything.

It terrified me. It concerned me. But even then, I wasn't sure whether what I was feeling was terrified or concern because it definitely didn't seem to be that, yet I didn't know what else I could be feeling.

For a month or two, I went through my daily routine in complete absence of mind and presence. The only thing that reminded me that I was alive and moving were the hint of annoyances that surged through me whenever I was teaching. And I have never been more thankful for that feeling.

And then a week ago, YATIM happened.

A 6-day English camp for SPM Leavers under the YATIM organization. A camp which I have joined for 2 years in a row as a facilitator which would make this year as my third and final year. A camp that I willingly join every year so that i could meet up with Hakim and Farid to be completely honest. A camp that I would be willing to join for more years if that means I get to spend 6 days with people who actually cherish my presence. Which unfortunately I don't get a lot of these days.

And it happened. I felt.

I felt all of it. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Surprised. Contentment. Happy.

Whenever I laugh, I knew it was genuine. Whenever I got angry or irritated, I felt the burn and the heart surge through me. When I felt content, I actually knew  that I was feeling it. And for a moment I believed I was normal again. I was okay again. And I didn't realize it until I talked to Farid that one particular night.

It  was after we all brought the kids out and about in the morning and we were all winding down at the hall before calling it a night. Farid created an impromptu karaoke session after all the kids had gone back to their room. Hakim and Irfan hogged the microphones in the end though lol. Malu my ass. I was sitting at the back with Farid and we started opening up on things that we've gone through and what YATIM means to us. To the four (Farid, Hakim, Me, Irfan) of us actually. Apart from the first year Yatim organized the camp with UM, I have joined all the camps after that and so has Hakim, Farid and Irfan.

We only meet each other during the camp ( aside from Hakim ) but everytime we do, there was never any awkwardness that linger above our heads. We just clicked. And I've always felt nothing but genuine feeling of acceptance whenever I'm around them. I believe it is mainly due to the fact that each of us has gone through so much in our lives. We all faced different difficult situations and issues and at the end of the day we understand better than anyone what it feels to be misunderstood everywhere.

I didn't know what got us into this one particular conversation, but after a while my tears started flowing and what I ended up saying to Farid was something I didn't even remember doing.

I told Farid that I haven't felt this happy in such a long long time. And the tears that fell was my surprise as how to true that statement was.

After that night, it was just hard for me to contain any feelings I have tried so hard to keep hidden. I opened up. I say whatever  is on my mind and that include my feelings. Which I rarely do. Ever.


So far and few in between do I ever get the chance to feel that it's ok to express how I feel. But when I do I realize how overwhelming it could be and maybe that's the reason I'm so terrified of it.

It was then that I realize the significance of those important to me. Those who are able to accept me for all that is me. I realize that if it's for the one that matter, if it's needed to make sure they stay, then it's alright for me to feel. And tell them about it.


It has been almost a month now since YATIM, and I'm back at work with more burden than I'd anticipated. I'm back to feeling nothing and feeling out of touch with the world, but not as bad as it was a few months ago. I'm still not on instagram and twitter but I think it's better that way. Maybe I'll come back after raya. As of now though, I feel that I'm far much better without it. I don't know how long I'll stay this way. I don't know how long it will take me this time to be okay but I believe it will be. It's just a matter of sooner or later.

One of those days.

It's one of those days. 

One of those days that I always pray would never come again.  

There is this terrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. It started yesterday, and I thought atleast, by this morning it would go away. A false alarm. But it just got stronger and more apparent. The worst part is I never know what will go down till it happens. And I wish it will happen soon. Whatever it might be. However bad it might be. 

The last time this happened was 6-5 years ago and I don't even remember what happened after that. I just remembered I had a really bad day after a particular incident and at the end of it, a sense of relief washed over because that terrible gut feeling is no longer attached to my every waking moment. 

Year of Conscience

2018. 

What a year. 

What. A. Year.

I guess, if there's one thing I'm grateful for in 2018 is how it was not nearly as bad as the year before that. In fact it was not bad. not bad at all.


Granted, there were slight misfortunes here and there, but it was nothing that I can't handle. Or so I thought lol.

But more than anything, 2018 has been a year of conscience for me.

A lot of things happened, and a lot of those times have led me to question my own moral compass and before I knew it,  I lost that too. It made me someone I thought I'd never be. But then again, it's something I feel I need to go through. I needed to know how far I would go for myself. for the people I care about. for my sanity.

One thing I realize is that I can't be selfless and still live a life where I'm happy and content. But I also realize that I can't prioritize myself without hurting the people I care about. It was a balance that I struggled to find and still am struggling with till today.


I was hurt. A lot. This year. And while in the process of healing myself, I unknowingly hurt other people too. I hurt them so bad that it was nearly impossible to mend the relationship that we had.

I tried to be selfless. And it didn't work.

So i tried to be selfish. And that made things worse.

So now I'm nowhere I'm supposed to be. I lost the support of the one I loved the most. And I'm dangling on invisible threads trying to be there for the ones who need me.

In the end there is no right or wrong. There is no moral compass to guide. There is no such thing as a toxic relationship/friendship or a toxic you. It's all just perspectives. And personal opinions. And what you may think is the right thing to do may not be right in another judgement and that is probably the hardest things I had to come to terms with last year.

I stopped following my heart. Or my mind for that matter. Cause when I follow either, I always end up ruining one small spectrum of my life.Conscience is the only thing that hasn't betrayed me.

And it is the only thing that dictates my course of actions now. Let's see how that will work out in 2019.

Picking up pieces.

Things are different than how it was a year back. Same month. Different feeling. And I don't exactly know where to begin. 

In two weeks we will be venturing into a new year with new mishaps. 2018 felt like it just flew by. Eventful. But it flew.