Habits to change.

Like for one, I know I like to complain about almost everything. So maybe not STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING cos hell everybody knows I'm incapable of that but MAYBE  J U S T MAYBE stop a few bits here and there. I know people can get tired of hearing me whine about petty stuff at all times, they're probably just too kind to tell me to shut up and get a life.

Two. I can be a bitch sometimes. Saying things that I mean when I know I should have just kept it at the back of my head. But hey whoever said that truth was beautiful? And I'd like to believe people appreciate the ugly truth once in a while. But alas, times have changed and humans would rather feed on unrealistic illusions then open their eyes to sullied images. So maybe I'll cut down on the sarcasm and honesty just a little bit so that humans around me don't feel like strangling me half the time.

Three. Due to my inner hatred towards mankind, it's only natural that I have dissatisfaction over everyone. But it doesn't really give me the right to tell my dissastisfactions to anybody else does it? I mean it's like kira I macam mengaibkan orang jugak  la kan no I'm not particularly bad mouthing. Just expressing my dissatisfaction towards certain people IT AINT THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.I don't like it when people talk about my bad sides either so I'll try to lessen doing it too then. You know what they say, what goes around comes around.

Finally, have a good night everyone. May tomorrow bring better rains. 

Worst Stomach Ache

Seriously today, I experienced the worst stomach ache. I couldn't walk without feeling like my feet would give away any moment. I can't stand. sit. lie down. because every action increases the pain no matter what I do. And I have a won't-be-difficult-if-I-study-the-materials-given paper tomorrow. But I can't concentrate when I'm distracted by the excruciating pain at the pit of my stomach. 

And it's rare because I've experience this kind of pain before. Only it never last more than four to five seconds and it usually goes away after I let out some gas. So it's very odd that it has prolonged to an unbearable state and I don't know what to do because it's not the usual pain I always feel when I'm down with stomach pains. 

It started when I woke up from my afternoon nap and went on for about a couple of hours. I went to lunch despite the pain because I know eventually it'll go away. All my stomach pains always did. And it was ok for a while. But then I slept again around 6 in the evening and when I woke at 9 the pain came again, worse than ever and I'm starting to wonder something could've gone wrong inside me. Like maybe I salah tido ke and now all my intestines are tangled. =.=

Anyway, the pain has subsided a bit as I'm blogging this but I'm just terrified to go back to sleep, in fear that the pain will come again tomorrow morning and I won't be strong enough to walk myself to the exam hall so I have a stupid plan of maybe sleeping after the paper ends cos then kalau nk sakit pun sakit la I can just stay in my bed. But ughh, kalau x dpt any sleep, what if I end up sleeping while taking the paper. 

I don't know what's wrong and I don't have the time to find out if this could be anything serious. I just hope it goes away eventually (PREFERABLY BY TOMORROW) and I could go back to leading a normal fat life; 

The Paper That Kills.

So I have a really difficult paper tomorrow. 

Her name is Linguistics. 

And I am nowhere near ready for the battle that's about to come. 

Honestly I think if I have put a little effort in studying and revise whatever that was taught in class at least once in a month I probably would have no problem in acing this final paper which takes up 60% OF THE GRADE BTW ughh. 

But me and studying, we're not friends. And no matter how hard I try to make it work, she just doesn't seem to want the same thing that I do.

Please. 

Pray for a miracle. =.=

Proving You Wrong

It's day two of 2015. 

Page 2 out 365. 

And I'm still here. Aher. 😊

So when I told a few of my close friends that one of my new resolutions for this year is to blog every day without failure, they all gave me a reaction that I had expected all long. And really who can blame them, considering how "active" I was last year. 

"Right, like you'd actually do it"

"Min, *gives a stop-with-the-jokes look"

"Eleeh boleh ke"

"Hahahaha yeah right I wanna see you try"

"I give you two weeks top"

Are just some of the reactions I got when they heard about my blog-for-365-days. And that's why I really want to prove them all wrong. And more importantly I want to prove MYSELF wrong. I really want to be able to complete at least one resolution. And the more susceptibility is thrown at me, the more driven I become to complete this seemingly impossible task

On another note, as you can see my blog underwent a makeover, It's not much but I like it that way, 

p.s pardon my bad blogging skills. It's gotten a little bit rusty and it'll be a while before I get back my usual writing hoo-haa

Page one.

So it's officially 2015. 

Hah. 

Honestly I've never felt more terrified about entering a new year. Considering how brutal 2014 had been to me. And I'm just not ready to engage in another year-long battle. 

I almost lost in the previous one. 

My instinct often plays a part on how I look on certain things. And the fact that I have NO PARTICULAR INSTINCTS for 2015

It scares me. 

Because I don't know what should I be aware of.  I don't know how I'll brace myself for unexpected situations. And honestly I'm no stranger to unfortunate fortunes. 

And what kind of a new year post would this be without a new year resolution kan. 

I don't have much this year. Nor did I have much for any of the previous years. 

Well actually this is the first year that I am actually having new year resolutions. And one of them was to blog everyday for the next 365 days. You know how they have those pictures "page 1 out of 365" 

Yeah well I kinda wanna make it a reality and blog everyday without fail.

Seeing as how I basically just left this blog abandoned last year. Like I said, I was going through a year long battle and blogging just couldn't be a top priority. 

But I'll promise I'll try to stick my resolution this time and stick to it till the end. 

aaaaannddd well, 

Welcome to 2015 everyone. 

Trying.

One.

I've always been an unhappy person. 

Unhappy about everything in my life. Feeling ungrateful over everything I can't have. Complain constantly on the unfairness I have experienced throughout my life. 

But then again, everyone goes through same hardships too right? It just varies in terms of the type of hardships they go through and how difficult things could really be for a person. So what gives me the right to actually complain anything about my life or even feel ungrateful over things. If anything I should be grateful with everything I've achieved and gotten so far. Yet here I sit, as I'm typing down the thoughts currently brewing in my mind on a blog, still thinking that life hasn't been very fair to me.

What an insolent brat I am. I know that.

And believe me.

I'm trying.

Nobody's perfect and everybody knows that. But using inevitability of imperfection as an excuse for me being a brat is highly unacceptable.

Because being an ungrateful human being is not imperfection. It's a bad character that no one should be proud of.

But I'm trying,


Two.

I've never been able to be the ideal daughter. The daughter that calls her parents atleast once a month asking how they're doing. The daughter that smiles and make small talks with her parents when she comes home. The daughter that basically knew how to be a daughter should be.

Yet I can't say I'm a rebellious one either. Because despite how it looks like, I actually mean no harm. Despite all the so-called resistance, it never actually crossed my mind. But things just happened the way it did because of who I am.

But I'm trying.

I'm not one to express my feelings for people well. Regardless if it's friends or family.

But I'm trying.

I'm not one to notice all the little bad things I've done because to me, I was just being my usual self.

But I'm trying.

Sometimes the way I act may come across as rude and impolite to the elders that surrounds me. BUT BELIEVE ME. I never meant to.

And I'm trying.

Things cannot change in a day and I was raised in a way that I can't just easily be affectionate with everyone. And this. Even my friends know.

But I'm trying.


Three.

I'm not a good friend. I try to be. But because I have what I would like to call self-complexity and inferiority, I tend to not be a good friend. Most of the time.

But I'm trying.

I tend to be honest and whatever I feel is usually painted clearly on my face. Most people get annoyed. most people don't understand why I am the way I am. Why I can't control my feelings.

But I'm trying.

Most of my friends get annoyed with the fact that I can't say the word "love" or "Miss". But like I said I wasn't raised with those words rolling off my tongue so easily. I barely even say it to my family. And that's just how I am.


I know I can be a burden and I don't know why the friends I have now is still friends with me. I don't know why they put up with the an emotional yet heartless soul. I don't understand and I always have a feeling that they all are going to leave. Eventually.

But I'm trying.

Mentally. I'm ill.

I'm very ill.

And I'm trying to get better.

But I can't.


But I'm trying.


And you know what is the worst part?

Nothing's changed.

Bittersweet 20.

What a way to mark my 20.

So it's been weeeeeeeeks since my birthday.

You know I used to think birthdays were significant to everyone. No exemption. Little did I know I am actually one of the few who thinks it is. And it sucks.

I had an idea of what a perfect 20th celebration would be like since I was 15 and after waiting for 5 years for that idea-turned-dream to come true, you kinda wish it'll happen JUST the way you imagine it, no excuse.

Not Different

A word to describe me in one word if need be.

Almost everyone that I know thinks they're special in some way. That they're not your average girl. That there's something different about them that separates them from the rest of the crowd. And most of the time, that "different" element of themselves that they have, is just one of their many insecurities; training their brain to believe that it's actually a specialty rather than a big obvious flaw. Probably unrealized because we live in a self-absorbed community.

Or probably it's just me being my usual pessimistic self again.

But every time someone says they're different from others, I can't help but feel that I can never say the same thing.

What is "different" nowadays anyway?

Is it when what you own is not what everybody else owns?
Is it when you have something that only a number of people have too?
Or is it just different because you claim it to be?

Is it different if everybody IS "different"?

Because if everybody is different then what is normal suppose to be? What would be the definition of normal then?

What is normal?

Because if normal is almost non-existent then shouldn't normal be the actual different?

And what is so wrong with being perceived as normal?

It doesn't matter if you're trying to fit in or trying to stand out, you'll think you're different either way. Different cos you blend in and observe the world. Different cos you're born to stand out but can't you see it's the same thing if both admit that they are different?

We Can't Start From Zero Again. Ever.

If there's one thing I know about time is that we can never get it back. Ever. And that's what makes life so terrifying.

Your zero starts when you are born and no matter how much you'd like to go from zero again, you can't. People keep fooling themselves that it's possible. Because that's what we do. Because that's only way to solve problems.

I know most people would argue that I'm still too young to decide this for myself and maybe they're right. 20 years on earth is not enough to determine what is what just yet. 20 years is not enough to say you've seen what needs to be seen, heard what needs to be heard, and experience what needs to be experience. And it's definitely not enough to make you conclude that a person can never start from zero again.

But until that day comes, hear me out.

A higher level of uncertainties and strangulation of heart, mind and soul.

It's the fifth week of the semester.

Maybe it's because I've gotten used to how things work around here.

Maybe it's because I've gotten used to that suffocating feeling of never being able to rise to the surface again and the pain of it has become numb over the holidays.

Maybe it's because it hasn't kicked in yet that I'm about to go through another  4 brutal months before sem break comes and be my ticket to discharge from this asylum.

Or maybe.

Just maybe.

It's because the person inside me isn't the same person I entered with when I first stepped foot on USM grounds.

Maybe, the demon part of me is taking over more than I usually let them.

When I first started the second year, the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I may get that Yayasan Selangor Pinjaman soon and I won't have to bother my parents anymore about university fees or financial support. I would have enough money then and maybe, life wouldn't seem as bad.

But the result just came out last week and I guess I wasn't qualified enough to get money from my own state too. Devastated, crushed, frustrated would be underestimations. I've tried. And tried again, Digging every holes I can to find a scholarship. To make life a little easier. To release my parents' from the burden of having to support me and give that extra money to my younger siblings who probably need it more than I do. To have that certainty that I would have enough money every month to eat two meals a day and still have some for other stuffs.


Putting money problems aside, things have started to become really stressful and the pressure around me . It feels as though the air that surrounds me is begging me to stop breathing. Like I'm not worthy enough as a human being to take another lungful of air. But then again, maybe it's my usual exaggeration tendencies. idk.

I just can't shake this feeling aside though. This feeling of being trapped. This feeling of numbness I feel throughout my body every time I step out of my room. What, why, where. It all seemed to not matter so much anymore because

what's the point of finding a purpose when I'm walking down an endless path of uncertainties anyway.

What's the point of trying to keep intact if my mind, heart and soul have been lost causes since the beginning?

What's the point of fighting to keep myself above the surface and survive.

I don't even know if the person who is writing this is my true self. Or the egg shell I've produced to show every unwretched soul that have the misfortune opportunity to cross path with someone like me.

And just like how all that is written above has no ends or beginnings. Or if it even makes any sense. I guess my state of mind is no different.