Picking up pieces.

Things are different than how it was a year back. Same month. Different feeling. And I don't exactly know where to begin. 

In two weeks we will be venturing into a new year with new mishaps. 2018 felt like it just flew by. Eventful. But it flew. 

Necessary.

I didn't think it would hurt this much. 

I didn't think I would regret it this much. 

But I do. 

And if I could, I just want to rewind everything. If I could I want to be okay. If I could I want to be healthy and normal. 

But I'm not. 

And I had to let go of so many loved ones because they don't deserve a taste of my life.

They don't deserve my suffering. They need to be happy. 

They need to live their life. 

Not be stuck with my cursed one. 

Who am I to deny their rights of salvation by being trapped with me.

I can't be that selfish. No. 

I can't. 

I won't. 

I wouldn't.  

A burden.

I know I've been a burden my whole life. And I have never felt it more than this moment right here.

Don't worry.

You're almost free.

You don't have to deal with me anymore.

I will be gone from your life for good.

And I will no longer burden you with my bad luck

Sincerely,
Min

nine to five

Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes

Roads that tirelessly greet me every morning,
Engine angrily grumbles as it wakes up.
Distorted faces hidden by the same tasteless coffees.
And the piles of papers demanding to be sorted.

Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes

Roads that have now become annoyed with the same mundane presence
Engine threatening to explode by the frequent disrupt awakenings.
Distorted faces that disappear among hollowed corridors.
And the piles of papers demanding to be killed.

Shoes, nightgown, pillows, contentment.

-Vise Leau

Romeo And Juliet

Falling in love at 13 and people call it puppy love.
That it doesn't matter.
It will never matter.
And they are the same spirits that romanticize Romeo and Juliet.

Falling in love at 20 but people can no longer have trust.
He loves her, but he loves her too.
She loves him, but not as much as she loves him.
And they are the same spirits that believe love comes with honesty and maturity.

Falling in love at 30 and people rush towards it because time is now a fiend.
He's good enough, I guess.
She'll do.
Beggars can't be choosers.
And they are the same souls that believes a soul is specially made for another.

Falling in love at 40 are for people who have nothing to lose.
A second chance at love they say.
Or it could be a moment of that long awaited "finally"
And they are the few lucky souls that truly understand romeo and juliet..

- Vise Leau

The right thing.

We were always told as kids, teens, even as adults that we should do the right thing. That we should always teach our future generations and kids to do the right thing. Teachers and parents get the most pressure in teaching their kids and students exactly that. Because as we enter the adults realm we still have second thoughts of whether what we do is the right thing. There's always this vague line. A silver lining that stops us from thinking  it is the right thing and we start questioning our decisions. A vague line that tells us everything is subjective and nothing is just black and white or wrong or right. So how did we get the right to teach young kids what is wrong and right when we aren't even sure ourselves?

I find myself worrying about that line more times than I could count as I become a lecturer and suddenly have 100 kids to take care of. These kids who are 19 and still have identity crisis. These kids who are still trying to figure out the way of life yet knowing nothing of it. These kids who are told they have to be respectful of everyone without getting any respect as students themselves. These kids who were taught nothing of what they are supposedly taught to become. And there I stand, in the middle of it all. To agree with what the lecturers think about them because it is the right way or thing to do. Or to tell the students what the lecturers say and how they are somewhat right or wrong. I couldn't tell the students they were wrong even if they were. They already know they are. Lecturers have told them that countless times. What the lecturers haven't done is putting themselves in their shoes and find out why they have been acting in such ways. The only way to reason with a person is if we know the other person's reason. How can you blatantly ask someone to change if you don't know why they are the way they are in the first place?

Which is why I always tell myself never judge the students min. Regardless of how tactless they can be in class sometimes. Maybe it's their way of breaking the ice. Maybe it's the only way trusts can be earned between the lecturer and her students. But very so often, I find myself still offending them, still crossing lines I shouldn't, still not understanding where they're coming from despite being in their shoes myself just a year ago.

Still saying the wrong thing about the rights and wrongs. I often ask myself why I torture myself with these self conflicting views when I always proclaimed that I never really cared for teaching, or the kids. Always stating that I'm only staying for the salary and nothing more. But no matter how much I try to put a barrier between me and the students, emotions will always get entangled. I know.

I know that it's inevitable. It's one of the many blessings as well as a curse of human interaction. For me.

How do I explain to them that right and wrong has no definite definitions? That all are subjective based on environment and situations? How do I tell them that and still tell them that "but hey you guys are still wrong because it is?"

Break's Over.

Raya (for me that is) is almost over and that means my break is almost over too. Honestly I can't wait to go back to rehabilitation. The real world has been so scary, annoying and downright a terrifying experience. I didn't know how bad it was until I re-joined it after being cut off from it for almost 3 weeks. Everything just hits you and no one is that apologetic, or sympathetic.

Kinda relieved I'll be going back. Cause I need it. But also kind of scared. Mainly because it took me a while to get used to the public after they released me for a temporary break (says raya is time for "family" after all. what nonsense) and now I'm okay with it. Tired. Drained. But okay with it.

This time I'll be staying in for far longer and I wonder if I'll be okay when they let me out again.

I lost myself. I lost you. I can't afford to lose everyone else too.

But  I did. And it hurts. It hurts so bad.

#3

I finally got my phone and internet privileges. But I decided to stick with internet only and only check my phone on sundays out of basic necessity. 

Ever since I was allowed to use the internet about a week ago, the only thing I wanted to do was to go on my blog and rant  like a normal person. It feels like the only normal thing I'm capable of doing on my own these days. Things have been rocky. Up and down. But that's, I guess, normal too. 

I'm tired of taking pills everyday though. Back then when I wasn't on tight supervision I could cheat and not take it for days. But now that I have a nurse watching me everytime I down my pills there's no way for me to cheat on myself anymore. Which is good I guess. Again. It's always just a guess. Never affirmation. 

I mentioned earlier how I was finally given permission to use my phone last week. And as soon as I open the thousands of text messages awaiting me, I felt the regret almost immediately. I felt this huge pain on my chest. And I just did not feel like wanting to go any further. The anxiety to reply and to inform people of my presence was worse than when I was working at that call centre. It took me a whole day to calm myself down just enough for me to read the messages and reply. Being away from society for so long has its ups and downs. I guess. 

Friends getting married. Bachelorette plans. Other friends contacting and asking where I was. All of it just became overwhelming. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back into the real world in 4 months. Or worse, earlier than that. But that would mean I'm finally healthy again right? That would mean I don't need to worry about things like social anxiety and panic attacks. Right? That would mean I will be fine. Right?

Lol I've been trying since I was thirteen, idk why now this programme will make any difference at all. 

Only Means of Communication.

It's been two weeks since I first entered and the longing to connect with the outside world fades as the days grew longer. Thank goodness. I never thought I could live without a phone for two weeks but here I am.

I found some good friends here and I have made some good progress since my first day.

It feels good because the friends I made here actually understand what I'm going through as they are going through things themselves. We don't judge and we don't try to give each other advices. And we never say "Yeah we all go through the same thing" because we know despite the fact that we are all going through treatments, depending on one's circumstances and situations, none of us are going through the exact same journey. And saying that we do is an offense to everybody's unique, individual journey here. This is by far the best realization I have made here.

I'm still alive.

I'm struggling here but I'm alive.

That's all you need to know for now.


Till next time outside world.


p.s ramadhan's here btw.