According To One's Preferences.

I think.

I can boldly say I am a mess right now. Well, when am I ever not.

But for the past week, it was as if something has possessed me inside and has been pushing all the wrong buttons in my body.

I mean, I have acknowledge the fact that I'm an over thinker a long time ago. But nowadays, I may have given the word "over think" a brand new definition. You have no idea how even the slightest things could make me go through an emotional breakdown due to over thinking.

There is one thing that's been bothering me quite a lot lately though and I don't know if it's the result of over thinking or if it's just that feeling I always get once in a while.. I've always trained myself to not bother with these kinds of things cos it's not worth to be bothered with anyway.

But I know I'm human. There are just times where my shield of force weakens and there is nothing else I could do except wait for it to strengthen itself again.

For one, I think my English has gotten worse or maybe I was never really good at it anyway. Just enough for me to speak and communicate efficiently. And maybe get a course in it.

I've always wanted to be a TV Presenter, or a newscaster. Anything that involves in having me in front of the camera and talk till I have nothing to say anymore. But how can I do that when I don't even have the power of amazing vocabs in my hand? The fluency of talking? And with the level of English I am at right now, no one in their right mind would want to hire me.

But hey, I'm nineteen, the world of possibilities is still wide open for me. And to so many others. 

Indecisive.

Everything in my life now seems to be very indecisive. 

Helloooo~ and Assalamualaikum.

It's been a while huh? I didn't realize how dusty this blog has gotten till I decided to log in today.

It's not like I didn't have anything to write about. In fact there are so many I don't even know how or where to begin. And everytime I found the time to sit down and start on a new entry, my mind always got distracted by, well,

all the things that was happening simultaneously in my life.

I still had everything under control. I WAS in control.

Until June came along.

It was as if an unexpected thunderstorm of emotional events bombarded my life. 

The first week of June was coming and that means MDS was around the corner too. I didn't know if I should feel excited or stressed that I'm going back to Jengka for MDS. Sure, I'd be one of the committee now instead of going through the actual MDS itself, but anything that reminds of the MDS that I went through last year would probably just traumatized me.

The only thing I was happy about was the fact that I get to go back to Kuantan and meet my peeps again. And I get two weeks off from work, so all in all, everything was still in a jolly good mood.

MDS, was -in one way to put it- unexpected. It really was. When I first saw UiTM Jengka again I thought I was going crazy. The fact that this place only held bad memories for me and the fact that I am here on my own will, nothing makes sense to me anymore.

But being the organizer of MDS with all the other committee from Jengka and going through MDS with them was different than when I was going through MDS as a new student.

After a week or so, MDS ended and I never thought I'd wanted MDS to be longer. I wished MDS could go on for two more weeks. I didn't wanna leave Jengka and everyone behind. I really did not want to.The new bonds I've made, all the new experiences I'd never be able to forget.

Well, as soon as MDS ended, it was back to work and to my ordinary boring life.

I don't exactly know what happen to me after MDS. Emotionally. It was like my mind and my heart was still in Jengka and my soulless body was here going through my everyday routines like it was asked to. I was so depressed that at one point I thought I lost myself completely. I didn't know who I was and what I was doing anymore. I just feel like crying half of the day.

I stayed in Jengka for one WEEK and it affected me this bad. I wondered the whole time what triggered my emotions to be fairly unstable for the next three weeks.

My hearts always feel uneasy and somehow I just knew that something bad was coming.

I was shocked by a news a few days later that a schoolmate of mine from MRSM Kuala Terengganu has just passed away. Izzat or better known as Pok Jak passed away due to a road accident. My mind went blank. It took me quite a while to process everything in my mind. To accept the fact that he was truly gone, back to his Creator.

I can't say that I was a close friend of Pok Jak but we were friends in a way. I first started to get to know him when we both joined PRS in school and I started to get to know him when he became the president and I became the vice president. And after school ended we hung out a few times. A friend.

Things started to get better after that.

Ismah, Hanna Haz and I had a sleepover and it was heavenly. I had the best times with these kids. LOL.

All in all though, June was just a turmoil of emotions for me. The things I did, feel, or see in that month is just like a blur of vision to me now. Too many things to remember, too many things to forget.

A lot of things happenned actually tp sebab malas gile nk gilee nk tulis I just pointed out the highlights of the month. LOL.

The Uncertainty of Moving On

There are times when you're uncertain of whether you have truly moved on or get over someone. You think you do and the next time that person appears in front of you again, it takes you only about five minutes to decide that you want to be him/her again.

Have you really moved on then?
Do you still go to his FB or Twitter account just to see what he's up to?
Do you still talk about him to your friends eventhough your group of friends don't even know who he is?
Do you still think about all the what ifs?

I've always wondered whether I've really moved on from my previous love. I wonder if all the feelings were really gone. I mean, as of right now, I think the feelings are no longer there, but I know deep deeep inside the bits and pieces are still lingering around.However, I was pretty certain I had moved on back then.

Untill I watch Friends again.

So before returning home after foundation, I stocked up as many movies as I can cos I know I'll need them to fill my time back home and awesomely, Dila had all TEN seasons of Friends. Friends has been one of those comedy series that never fails to make me laugh when I needed one and it's definitely much better than How I Met Your Mother. HIMYM is great but they just don't make me laugh. Nah.

Anyway I've always wanted to watch Friends from the beginning till the end not missing even one episode. But as I was watching and going through the episodes, it really questions me about my status on the moving on part

If there's one thing that they make clear in the series is that you never really truly move on until you found someone else that you can love sincerely.

I've always stuck by the principle that you don't need to fall in love with someone else just to move on, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, of course there ARE people who can do that, but you never really what's going on in their heads right?

Take Monica and Richard for example. So in Friends, Monica met this guy Richard and they dated and she really really loved him. It took her three whole months to finally get back on her feet again and move on. She was miserable for the whole three months, crying everytime she sees something that belongs to Richard in the apartment, being in her sweats all day long, she was a total wreck. After all that hardship of getting over Richard, she accidentally met him again after a few months at a DVD store and all the feelings that was left behind just caught up to her again. and throughout the whole series we could clearly see how Monica, even though she has moved on, if Richard ever comes back and ask to be with her again, she would definitely have said yes as she was so in love with Richard once upon a time. And I knew the moment she truly moved on is when she fell in love with Chandler.


Ross and Rachel is another example. Ross had been in love with Rachel for ten years and finally, one day Rachel found out about it and started liking Ross back. But she couldn't tell Ross how she felt as he was already on his way to Beijing. Ross, thinking he will never have a chance with rachel, moved on and found another girl during his trip to Beijing. He was such in a steady relationship with the other girl and he was starting to think that he could love this girl when he found out about Rachel's feelings for him. result? Of course he broke up with the other girl and went to Rachel. They dated, they were so in love and they broke up. But no matter how many other people they tried to date, it just never works out and at the end, of course, Rachel and Ross ended up together. And you know why? Cos they were never able to love somebody else sincerely and they were each other's true loves. I sound cheesy I know.

I'm not saying that you need to find someone else to be able to move on, but somehow, and in some ways, that's the only way to be certain that you have moved on. Falling out of love is probably one of the hardest thing a person can ever encounter, and somehow I believe now, the only thing that can make a person truly move on from his/her previous love is to find his/her true love. A person he/she can sincerely love. If the person that he/she was previously in love with ask to get back together, and  he/she says no and doesn't have any feelings to even think about that possibilty, then he/she is truly in love with the person he/she is with now and has CERTAINLY moved on. Well. At least that's what I think.

Remember though He knows best and is the one thing you need to love and commit yourself to before you commit yourself to anyone else. :)

So This Is What They've Been Trying To Make Me Feel

So a week before I went home and a day before my Foundation Dinner, my dad got into an accident. I found out on the day of dinner itself. It didn't bug me that much at first since I didn't know how bad his condition was. 

Only when I got home I got to know the full details. 

My dad broke nine ribs, which makes it very hard for him to move. Even when he sneezes, it's as if someone put a sword in his lungs. The doctor said that this is a very rare case as usually a person would only break five to six ribs at the most. But this is NINE. so you can imagine how that's like. When my dad went through the operation, the doctor even said the operation would either be successful or he'd be dead. Luckily it's the former. 

IDK how to explain in full detail but to put it in simple words he has gone through a lot la. So when I got home, basically, I take care of my dad now as my mom has work and my younger siblings has school and my sister is in college. So i'm the only one left at home to take care of him. I didn't feel the seriousness of it all until we made a visit to the hospital one day.

You know when I read books and there were these scenes of the characters at a hospital, they would describe how they hate hospitals because of the dim lights and the gloomy atmosphere and the smell of death and all that crap, I didn't understand them. All my memories of hospitals were happy ones. 

I mean, I never felt anything but excited when I went to hospitals back then.

But then again, I was a kid.

Now that I've grown up and mature enough to understand everything that's going on around me, I can fully get what the author is trying to portray in all those books. The feeling of not wanting to be there cos there was just so much negative aura around. The feeling of probably falling sick as well. 

It was just too much for me. I felt like just getting out of that place. It feels so dim and gloomy that I even lost my appetite. 

Beginnings and Endings. They're Both Terrible

I mean. Seriously.

The middle part is always the best don't you agree? Not the beginning. Not the end. But in the midst of everything.

Beginnings are always tiring as you have to do everything all over again when you meet all these brand new faces and environments. The fact that you have to adjust to the environment and people around for only a fixed amount of time. I mean. It's absurd cos when it ends, you're going to start at the beginning again. With new faces. New surroundings. Sume bende baru la. ALL OVER AGAIN.

But then again., you can't really do anything about it kann?

I know for a fact that it's a part of life and it's somehow, a mandatory thing to do but I just get tired of it sometimes ya' know?

My foundation is ending in a month's time and though I can't wait for the assignments and exams to be complete and finished, never have the thought of wanting to end foundation cross my mind. well. Except at the beginning though.

The start of my foundation year was really horrible. I almost felt glad that foundation was only for a year. I had no friends, no cliques or whatever and everyone underestimated me. Thinking I was just some girl who got lucky to be able to enter TESL. And when Syasya moved to Intec, things felt harder to me as I no longer have my closest friend here.

But like I said. Beginnings are always the hardest. And so is the end.

As time goes by. I made friends. Friends that I can rely on, that I could go through everything together with, and at the end of the third month, I had wished for foundation to be much much longer. I was having too much fun.

Now, with just the blink of an eye, we're reaching the end of our journey. It's hard. To end something that you feel so good about. To end something that you wish with all your heart to go on longer.

Beginnings are the hardest.

But the endings.


They're the worst.

Silly Thoughts. Dumb Feelings. Ridiculous Actions.

I do this almost 23 hours everyday, and it just kills me to realize that I'm not that mature after all. I keep thinking I am mature enough for my age. But well, as always. Assumptions that went too far.

I realize I'm still as sensitive as I used to be. Tempered as I used to be. And everything else that I thought I had improvised over the last five years seems to be just a mere fantasy of my own.

In one way or another, yes, I have improved. But it seemed to be very little. Too little to compare to all the sacrifices I have made to change myself.

Always. To be a better person, I ignored a lot of things that greatly disturb my mind. I smiled away all those anger I've been boiling up inside. And if there's one thing I thought I had DEFINITELY change is the fact that I'm not as sensitive as I used to be.

How wrong I was!
Really wrong.

Can I not just be the better person? Can I just be who I want to be? Can I just do things the way I want them to?

Or does that mean I'm being arrogant?

...

...

Self-War

It's not just you. I think everybody has that feeling once in a while. 

Self-war. 

Having this battle inside of you that only you know of. And the fact that you can't tell anybody makes it immensely harder. 

Sometimes you wonder if it's just you and your head, or is it really happening and everybody is in on it.  Sometimes, you keep it inside for far too long that it kills you to even smile everyday. But you do anyway.

Everyone has a battle with themselves everyday I think.

I can't even begin to describe how extraordinarily painful this feeling is. Especially when you don't know if it's real, or just a fragment of your imagination. It's just one of those things that I think everyone would feel at least once in their life. The only difference would be the situation and the people involved.

But there's one thing you need to know.

Your presence is important. It doesn't matter who you are and what you're like. Allah puts you there for an important reason. He never makes mistakes and you just have to have faith that all His doings are for your own good.

If you feel neglected by your own bestfriends, or family even, then you know what? So be it. Be independent and live your life as you should. Cos that's the most important thing. And if everybody DO decide to neglect you one day. Ingat, ALLAH will NEVER neglect you. As long as you don't neglect Him.

My friend,
You have no idea how your important your presence are to us. Everything would be different if you weren't a part of us.The fact that you even feel neglected saddens me in so many ways. I would never expect you to feel that way and I would never want you to EVER.

And I have no idea why would you ever fell that way. Trust me, you are one of the most one of a kind person I know. Period.

The only reason you feel everybody is superior than you is because you can't see the progress you're making yourself. And the fact that you have very low self-esteem encourage that a lot too.

Having low self-esteem is not going to get you anywhere, in fact it will only hold you back. Like hell.

There's a difference between having low self-esteem and being humble. VERY big difference.

You already stand out from the millions of crowd. All you need now is the confidence to flaunt what you got.

Get out there. Get your confidence. Stand straight. And make the world proud. :)

Specially for,

Our biggest SNSD fan. :)

Some Poeple Just Don't Have It

And. Yeah.

Some people just don't have it I guess. And you have to work really hard to get what you want.

Words can't really explain how excruciatingly painful it is to watch someone with a natural talent for writing is only using it for leisure time purpose and they're out there doing greater things with what other talents they have within themselves.

It's even more painful to see the talent that you wish you have so much is pass down to your younger sister and not you. While you, try as hard as you can to excel in drawing, it never paid off. 

It is worse when a close friend of yours is better at writing than you are and she doesn't even need to try. While you're having a hard time just to remember all those vocabs you just read in a book. Let alone use them in your essays.

And then it gets even more depressing when your hard work only brings you so far. 

THEN, just when you're about to get back on your wobbly feet, you hear words like "there's always going to be someone better than you" 

And you know these words are for those who think that they'll always be the best. But what about you?! You're not even the best and you're just beginning to rise up to the challenge again! And then those words comes out and it just crushes you all over.

AGAIN.

Yes. You believe in hard work. And giving up is not an option. 

A talent is a talent.

A gift is a gift.

But hard work.

It pays off hell of a lot more.

So damn you people with gifts. 

Dear My Rainbow

Sigh...

So this guy I've been crushing on for two years.

Well not so much of a crush..

More like someone I've admired for so long.

Admire, Love and Cared about.

It started off as a crush on another guy.
I nicknamed him MUFFIN.
I liked muffin a lot...like seriously....a lot...
Till it got to the point where I thought he might have found out about it.

They say the only way to get over a guy is to like another guy.
So in order for me to get over muffin
I focused on my other crush...whom also i really like.
I nicknamed him,
"Rainbow"


At first, it was merely a crush...
But as time goes on...he just takes my breath everytime I saw him.
i was so hypnotize by him
that my little crush turned into something much much bigger.

Lemme just show how in love i was with Rainbow

I HAVE NEVER

1. bAke cupcakes for a human being. let alone a guy
2.  Buy a T-shirt that I carefully picked with my dearest bestfriend Ammera Hadi
3. Secretly gave a guy a keychain with the meaning of his name on it
4. and last but not least...confess to the guy that I like right infront of his face.

I have never done these things before...and I did it...Just because it was him. Just because it was Rainbow.
JUST BECAUSE IT WAS HIM.

I swallowed my ego and my pride and told him that i like him just because it was him

It's amazing what love can do to people huh??

You knw what the only problem was??
He didn't have any feelings for me.

And that's ok.
When I got into this...i knew the risk i have to face,
and one of the biggest is tht he wouldn't have any feelings for me.
And i have to accept that.

though he never reciprocated my feelings
I was still irrevocably in love with him.
everytime we chatted on facebook, or text on the phone..
My heart beats like crazy that i wish he could hear how fast it was beating.

i like being friends with him...i really do...
That's why i never jeopardize our friendship by pushing him further into something tht he doesn't want
i didn't want to lose the friendship because of something this silly.

Probably my text messages means nothing to him.
he never knew how much i value HIS text messges.
whether it's a wish for raya, my bday, or a new year's wish...i value it all...
cos it shows...yes...we do have a friendship.
yes he knows I like him...and yes I know he doesn't like me back....
but we still are very good friends.
And that's enough to make me feel ok.
Not happy or content but satisfied enough.

When I text him...i never compliment him..
instead i always highlights his imperfections,
i always insult him and never actually say nice things about him to him
because i don't want him to think i worship him.
i don't want him to think that I admire him that much.
The fact is I do.
 I did it because I was trying to hide those feelings from him.

Some may say I'm crazy...and maybe even he thinks I'm crazy..
But hey..
this is me...and I can't change what i am or what i feel for someone....

I never told him that I was in love with him.
he knew that I like him. But he didn't know it was more than that.
I didn't wanna ruin our friendship so I kept it shut.
I'm scared he'd think he's giving me hopes if he keeps contacting me so tht's why i never told him i was in love with him.
When the fact is...it doesn't matter if he gave me hope or not...
i was in love and nothing could change that. i know there was no hope.
none at all...

Yes I know...you guys will say...aww don worry shamin...you'll find someone much better than this jerk...
the fact is...i don't know that...none of us knows that..
what i know is that...even though he doesn't return my feelings..
he's still a very good guy...
and he's anything but a jerk....
so any girl would be lucky to have him.
the luckiest girl in the world in fact.

he told me that he reconnects with his old love.
and he asked me if it's ok if he tells me this.
and i said i was ok.
though inside my heart was burnt with fury.
but i knew...
If i wanted to get over him...i have to hear this...
so that when i know he is with someone else..
then i can let go of him a little easier.
I cried the night he told me this..
but i know...
If I love him...i'd just want to see him happy. (:


So to Rainbow, If you're reading this,
First of all, Congrats and best of luck at UIA. I know you'll do great. You always do anyway. ^^
I know that you know that it is you i'm talking about. lol.
There's so much I want to tell you
But when I get the chance..my tongue gets tongue tied.
Everytime.

Everytime I bumped into you at school...
there's so much things I'd like to say, to joke about.
But again...tongue tied.
cos you just mean that much to me.
I'd like to joke around with you, talk to you like how I do with Muzek, Shah and all my other guy friends..
But I can't.
Cos you're tht special.
and also because you wouldn't talk to me when we see each other.
But thanks...
Thanks for still not ignoring me like all the other jerks when they knew that I like them
Thanks for still being my friend.
thanks for not feeling embarassed because of the fact that I like you.
Thanks.
I may insult you a lot and say a lot of bad things to you and never actually complimented you and always say that you lack in so many things.
but trust me...i do that to every person i love just to hide the fact that I love them.
you are very imperfect...yet you try to make everything work,
That's what got me hooked to you in the very first place.
Thanks for a splendid two years...
And now I will securely locked you in my memory box.

Good luck in UIA
and hope we meet again in the future. ^^

Yeah rainbow??
If you're seeing this...please don't be scared...lol,