What a relief.

Min Yoongi once said this. 

"What a relief, that we are seven. 

What a relief, that we are together."

And at that time I shed tears because of what it meant to him and the rest of the group. 

And a few days ago, I shed tears because of what it meant to me personally. 

I went out with meteoras a couple of days ago. It's been a while since we hang out with all six of us. The last time we did it wasn't for a very pleasant reason lol. The original reason why we wanted for everyone to meet was because Jibs will be going to Japan next month as a part of her exchange program, but Bat had something bigger in mind. 

She finally gave us our Bridesmaid invitations. And the long impending wedding date. I knew she had already started on wedding preparations, I just didn't expect it to be this year and this soon too. 

19.10.19.  The perfect date for a wedding. 

And as we ate and chat and share stories to celebrate our friend's good news, I leaned back and realize what a relief that we are still the six of us. What a relief that we could still be together. 

Because I don't know what I would've done if we weren't.

For the ones that matter

I've been feeling out of place lately. Out of place. Out of touch. Out of feelings.

I didn't realize how overwhelming those feelings were until just recently.

You see, I've been told by a few friends of mine that my condition is no excuse for my radical and sometimes unexplained behaviour. That whether I'm in control of my own mind or not, I am not allowed to treat people a certain way. Or else I would be considered a toxic friend.

And maybe they're right.

So I'm trying to change that. Trying to be a better person. Or better for the people around me I guess.

But along the way, I lost myself. To be more specific, I lost the ability to feel. To express my inner thoughts.

I became numb. I couldn't smile. I couldn't frown. I couldn't be angry. I couldn't even cry out of frustration. It's like somebody just took away my ability to feel and all I end up feeling is not feeling anything.

It terrified me. It concerned me. But even then, I wasn't sure whether what I was feeling was terrified or concern because it definitely didn't seem to be that, yet I didn't know what else I could be feeling.

For a month or two, I went through my daily routine in complete absence of mind and presence. The only thing that reminded me that I was alive and moving were the hint of annoyances that surged through me whenever I was teaching. And I have never been more thankful for that feeling.

And then a week ago, YATIM happened.

A 6-day English camp for SPM Leavers under the YATIM organization. A camp which I have joined for 2 years in a row as a facilitator which would make this year as my third and final year. A camp that I willingly join every year so that i could meet up with Hakim and Farid to be completely honest. A camp that I would be willing to join for more years if that means I get to spend 6 days with people who actually cherish my presence. Which unfortunately I don't get a lot of these days.

And it happened. I felt.

I felt all of it. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Surprised. Contentment. Happy.

Whenever I laugh, I knew it was genuine. Whenever I got angry or irritated, I felt the burn and the heart surge through me. When I felt content, I actually knew  that I was feeling it. And for a moment I believed I was normal again. I was okay again. And I didn't realize it until I talked to Farid that one particular night.

It  was after we all brought the kids out and about in the morning and we were all winding down at the hall before calling it a night. Farid created an impromptu karaoke session after all the kids had gone back to their room. Hakim and Irfan hogged the microphones in the end though lol. Malu my ass. I was sitting at the back with Farid and we started opening up on things that we've gone through and what YATIM means to us. To the four (Farid, Hakim, Me, Irfan) of us actually. Apart from the first year Yatim organized the camp with UM, I have joined all the camps after that and so has Hakim, Farid and Irfan.

We only meet each other during the camp ( aside from Hakim ) but everytime we do, there was never any awkwardness that linger above our heads. We just clicked. And I've always felt nothing but genuine feeling of acceptance whenever I'm around them. I believe it is mainly due to the fact that each of us has gone through so much in our lives. We all faced different difficult situations and issues and at the end of the day we understand better than anyone what it feels to be misunderstood everywhere.

I didn't know what got us into this one particular conversation, but after a while my tears started flowing and what I ended up saying to Farid was something I didn't even remember doing.

I told Farid that I haven't felt this happy in such a long long time. And the tears that fell was my surprise as how to true that statement was.

After that night, it was just hard for me to contain any feelings I have tried so hard to keep hidden. I opened up. I say whatever  is on my mind and that include my feelings. Which I rarely do. Ever.


So far and few in between do I ever get the chance to feel that it's ok to express how I feel. But when I do I realize how overwhelming it could be and maybe that's the reason I'm so terrified of it.

It was then that I realize the significance of those important to me. Those who are able to accept me for all that is me. I realize that if it's for the one that matter, if it's needed to make sure they stay, then it's alright for me to feel. And tell them about it.


It has been almost a month now since YATIM, and I'm back at work with more burden than I'd anticipated. I'm back to feeling nothing and feeling out of touch with the world, but not as bad as it was a few months ago. I'm still not on instagram and twitter but I think it's better that way. Maybe I'll come back after raya. As of now though, I feel that I'm far much better without it. I don't know how long I'll stay this way. I don't know how long it will take me this time to be okay but I believe it will be. It's just a matter of sooner or later.

One of those days.

It's one of those days. 

One of those days that I always pray would never come again.  

There is this terrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. It started yesterday, and I thought atleast, by this morning it would go away. A false alarm. But it just got stronger and more apparent. The worst part is I never know what will go down till it happens. And I wish it will happen soon. Whatever it might be. However bad it might be. 

The last time this happened was 6-5 years ago and I don't even remember what happened after that. I just remembered I had a really bad day after a particular incident and at the end of it, a sense of relief washed over because that terrible gut feeling is no longer attached to my every waking moment. 

Year of Conscience

2018. 

What a year. 

What. A. Year.

I guess, if there's one thing I'm grateful for in 2018 is how it was not nearly as bad as the year before that. In fact it was not bad. not bad at all.


Granted, there were slight misfortunes here and there, but it was nothing that I can't handle. Or so I thought lol.

But more than anything, 2018 has been a year of conscience for me.

A lot of things happened, and a lot of those times have led me to question my own moral compass and before I knew it,  I lost that too. It made me someone I thought I'd never be. But then again, it's something I feel I need to go through. I needed to know how far I would go for myself. for the people I care about. for my sanity.

One thing I realize is that I can't be selfless and still live a life where I'm happy and content. But I also realize that I can't prioritize myself without hurting the people I care about. It was a balance that I struggled to find and still am struggling with till today.


I was hurt. A lot. This year. And while in the process of healing myself, I unknowingly hurt other people too. I hurt them so bad that it was nearly impossible to mend the relationship that we had.

I tried to be selfless. And it didn't work.

So i tried to be selfish. And that made things worse.

So now I'm nowhere I'm supposed to be. I lost the support of the one I loved the most. And I'm dangling on invisible threads trying to be there for the ones who need me.

In the end there is no right or wrong. There is no moral compass to guide. There is no such thing as a toxic relationship/friendship or a toxic you. It's all just perspectives. And personal opinions. And what you may think is the right thing to do may not be right in another judgement and that is probably the hardest things I had to come to terms with last year.

I stopped following my heart. Or my mind for that matter. Cause when I follow either, I always end up ruining one small spectrum of my life.Conscience is the only thing that hasn't betrayed me.

And it is the only thing that dictates my course of actions now. Let's see how that will work out in 2019.

Picking up pieces.

Things are different than how it was a year back. Same month. Different feeling. And I don't exactly know where to begin. 

In two weeks we will be venturing into a new year with new mishaps. 2018 felt like it just flew by. Eventful. But it flew. 

Necessary.

I didn't think it would hurt this much. 

I didn't think I would regret it this much. 

But I do. 

And if I could, I just want to rewind everything. If I could I want to be okay. If I could I want to be healthy and normal. 

But I'm not. 

And I had to let go of so many loved ones because they don't deserve a taste of my life.

They don't deserve my suffering. They need to be happy. 

They need to live their life. 

Not be stuck with my cursed one. 

Who am I to deny their rights of salvation by being trapped with me.

I can't be that selfish. No. 

I can't. 

I won't. 

I wouldn't.  

A burden.

I know I've been a burden my whole life. And I have never felt it more than this moment right here.

Don't worry.

You're almost free.

You don't have to deal with me anymore.

I will be gone from your life for good.

And I will no longer burden you with my bad luck

Sincerely,
Min

nine to five

Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes

Roads that tirelessly greet me every morning,
Engine angrily grumbles as it wakes up.
Distorted faces hidden by the same tasteless coffees.
And the piles of papers demanding to be sorted.

Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes

Roads that have now become annoyed with the same mundane presence
Engine threatening to explode by the frequent disrupt awakenings.
Distorted faces that disappear among hollowed corridors.
And the piles of papers demanding to be killed.

Shoes, nightgown, pillows, contentment.

-Vise Leau

Romeo And Juliet

Falling in love at 13 and people call it puppy love.
That it doesn't matter.
It will never matter.
And they are the same spirits that romanticize Romeo and Juliet.

Falling in love at 20 but people can no longer have trust.
He loves her, but he loves her too.
She loves him, but not as much as she loves him.
And they are the same spirits that believe love comes with honesty and maturity.

Falling in love at 30 and people rush towards it because time is now a fiend.
He's good enough, I guess.
She'll do.
Beggars can't be choosers.
And they are the same souls that believes a soul is specially made for another.

Falling in love at 40 are for people who have nothing to lose.
A second chance at love they say.
Or it could be a moment of that long awaited "finally"
And they are the few lucky souls that truly understand romeo and juliet..

- Vise Leau

The right thing.

We were always told as kids, teens, even as adults that we should do the right thing. That we should always teach our future generations and kids to do the right thing. Teachers and parents get the most pressure in teaching their kids and students exactly that. Because as we enter the adults realm we still have second thoughts of whether what we do is the right thing. There's always this vague line. A silver lining that stops us from thinking  it is the right thing and we start questioning our decisions. A vague line that tells us everything is subjective and nothing is just black and white or wrong or right. So how did we get the right to teach young kids what is wrong and right when we aren't even sure ourselves?

I find myself worrying about that line more times than I could count as I become a lecturer and suddenly have 100 kids to take care of. These kids who are 19 and still have identity crisis. These kids who are still trying to figure out the way of life yet knowing nothing of it. These kids who are told they have to be respectful of everyone without getting any respect as students themselves. These kids who were taught nothing of what they are supposedly taught to become. And there I stand, in the middle of it all. To agree with what the lecturers think about them because it is the right way or thing to do. Or to tell the students what the lecturers say and how they are somewhat right or wrong. I couldn't tell the students they were wrong even if they were. They already know they are. Lecturers have told them that countless times. What the lecturers haven't done is putting themselves in their shoes and find out why they have been acting in such ways. The only way to reason with a person is if we know the other person's reason. How can you blatantly ask someone to change if you don't know why they are the way they are in the first place?

Which is why I always tell myself never judge the students min. Regardless of how tactless they can be in class sometimes. Maybe it's their way of breaking the ice. Maybe it's the only way trusts can be earned between the lecturer and her students. But very so often, I find myself still offending them, still crossing lines I shouldn't, still not understanding where they're coming from despite being in their shoes myself just a year ago.

Still saying the wrong thing about the rights and wrongs. I often ask myself why I torture myself with these self conflicting views when I always proclaimed that I never really cared for teaching, or the kids. Always stating that I'm only staying for the salary and nothing more. But no matter how much I try to put a barrier between me and the students, emotions will always get entangled. I know.

I know that it's inevitable. It's one of the many blessings as well as a curse of human interaction. For me.

How do I explain to them that right and wrong has no definite definitions? That all are subjective based on environment and situations? How do I tell them that and still tell them that "but hey you guys are still wrong because it is?"