It's the fifth week of the semester.
Maybe it's because I've gotten used to how things work around here.
Maybe it's because I've gotten used to that suffocating feeling of never being able to rise to the surface again and the pain of it has become numb over the holidays.
Maybe it's because it hasn't kicked in yet that I'm about to go through another 4 brutal months before sem break comes and be my ticket to discharge from this asylum.
Or maybe.
Just maybe.
It's because the person inside me isn't the same person I entered with when I first stepped foot on USM grounds.
Maybe, the demon part of me is taking over more than I usually let them.
When I first started the second year, the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I may get that Yayasan Selangor Pinjaman soon and I won't have to bother my parents anymore about university fees or financial support. I would have enough money then and maybe, life wouldn't seem as bad.
But the result just came out last week and I guess I wasn't qualified enough to get money from my own state too. Devastated, crushed, frustrated would be underestimations. I've tried. And tried again, Digging every holes I can to find a scholarship. To make life a little easier. To release my parents' from the burden of having to support me and give that extra money to my younger siblings who probably need it more than I do. To have that certainty that I would have enough money every month to eat two meals a day and still have some for other stuffs.
Putting money problems aside, things have started to become really stressful and the pressure around me . It feels as though the air that surrounds me is begging me to stop breathing. Like I'm not worthy enough as a human being to take another lungful of air. But then again, maybe it's my usual exaggeration tendencies. idk.
I just can't shake this feeling aside though. This feeling of being trapped. This feeling of numbness I feel throughout my body every time I step out of my room. What, why, where. It all seemed to not matter so much anymore because
what's the point of finding a purpose when I'm walking down an endless path of uncertainties anyway.
What's the point of trying to keep intact if my mind, heart and soul have been lost causes since the beginning?
What's the point of fighting to keep myself above the surface and survive.
I don't even know if the person who is writing this is my true self. Or the egg shell I've produced to show every unwretched soul that have the misfortune opportunity to cross path with someone like me.
And just like how all that is written above has no ends or beginnings. Or if it even makes any sense. I guess my state of mind is no different.
Maybe it's because I've gotten used to how things work around here.
Maybe it's because I've gotten used to that suffocating feeling of never being able to rise to the surface again and the pain of it has become numb over the holidays.
Maybe it's because it hasn't kicked in yet that I'm about to go through another 4 brutal months before sem break comes and be my ticket to discharge from this asylum.
Or maybe.
Just maybe.
It's because the person inside me isn't the same person I entered with when I first stepped foot on USM grounds.
Maybe, the demon part of me is taking over more than I usually let them.
When I first started the second year, the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I may get that Yayasan Selangor Pinjaman soon and I won't have to bother my parents anymore about university fees or financial support. I would have enough money then and maybe, life wouldn't seem as bad.
But the result just came out last week and I guess I wasn't qualified enough to get money from my own state too. Devastated, crushed, frustrated would be underestimations. I've tried. And tried again, Digging every holes I can to find a scholarship. To make life a little easier. To release my parents' from the burden of having to support me and give that extra money to my younger siblings who probably need it more than I do. To have that certainty that I would have enough money every month to eat two meals a day and still have some for other stuffs.
Putting money problems aside, things have started to become really stressful and the pressure around me . It feels as though the air that surrounds me is begging me to stop breathing. Like I'm not worthy enough as a human being to take another lungful of air. But then again, maybe it's my usual exaggeration tendencies. idk.
I just can't shake this feeling aside though. This feeling of being trapped. This feeling of numbness I feel throughout my body every time I step out of my room. What, why, where. It all seemed to not matter so much anymore because
what's the point of finding a purpose when I'm walking down an endless path of uncertainties anyway.
What's the point of trying to keep intact if my mind, heart and soul have been lost causes since the beginning?
What's the point of fighting to keep myself above the surface and survive.
I don't even know if the person who is writing this is my true self. Or the egg shell I've produced to show every unwretched soul that have the misfortune opportunity to cross path with someone like me.
And just like how all that is written above has no ends or beginnings. Or if it even makes any sense. I guess my state of mind is no different.
