Nineteenth's Wishlist

Well. Kalau nak ikutkan I nak Samsung Note 3 but well. That's out of the question already in the first place. I had a big birthday celebration last year. With the coming of age week and all. So this year I was thinking of taking it down a notch..

No birthday cake.
No gifts.
No wishes.
In fact no celebration at all.

I just don't feel like I want any of these this year. Suddenly the feeling of wanting a quiet peaceful birthday is all that I crave for.

I know it may sound weird. Or maybe not to those of you who's been preferring quiet birthdays. But not me. A quiet birthday is actually something very new to me. Haven't had one for such a long time.

Scratch that. The right word would be never. I've always treated all my birthdays as grand celebrations. Each one has its own significant memory that I can remember. I mean cmon. It's the day I was born. How can I not celebrate the fact that I've reached another age?

Last year was the my biggest celebration cos it was my 18th bday. It needed to be grand. I had a coming of age week just for that. And maybe I'll have another one when I turn 21 with the rest of MTAK and whatnot.

But for now. For this insignificant 19. I just wanna rest. I wanna celebrate it on my own. Go out with myself. Eat dinner with myself. And watch a movie with myself. Sooo probably, I'm not quite sure of myself either what I'm trying to say, but maybe what I want is

To celebrate my 19th bday with myself. To celebrate me because I've never celebrated for myself. Like you know. I've celebrated my birthdays for me and myself. But when have me celebrate for myself?

Man. *sounds of breaking glasses*

Of course I'd celebrate with others as well. I mean I can't just ignore them completely. But on THAT day itself. The 26th of November in 2013, i want to do whatever I want. And celebrate by myself. Other days, it doesnt matter what people wanna do to celebrate my bday anymore.

Ceeh macam bajet ade org nk celebrate bday kau ye insyirah.

Soo yeah. There's no wish list really. I mean there's a wish but there's no list considering I only have one wish. That's pretty amazing if I think back to my sixteen's wishlist. Birthday wishes from 50 people la, new camera la. Man I was a brat. But reaching nineteen. I only have one. And that is to celebrate my bday on THE day by myself. I want to be able to completely immerse myself in me. Hope that doesn't sound too narcissistic.

If there's a place I wish I could go for my bday though it would be here.

I've always fe;t like I belong in the ocean or the City Of Atlantis if it ever existed.

All of my most vivid dreams involves me being in a lost ocean or lake somewhere with nothing  in sight for miles on end/

I wish I could just be a mermaid

 and live in a far off ocean where the sun never rises. 

Like that picture up there.

Sensitivity at its peak.

I rarely get insecure with myself. And if I do, it's usually after midnight and I just take it as one of those after midnight bad habits. But lately, I don't know, everything feels so overwhelming and completely out of hand. Not sure if it's just me being dramatic again or I'm not doing anything to fix it or if it's just how it is.

I don't exactly know when it this depression/stress-for-no-reason thing began but I'm guessing it started on that final week before midsem break starts. Hell it was one panic week. Never have I had a more chaotic week than that one. Which seems like it's a long time ago but in actuality it was the previous week. -,-

Everyday for the first three days, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday just feels really frantic and everything and everyone is just waiting to burst and explode itself all over me. And well, after Wednesday, everything else was pretty mellow. The problem was trying to get through those three days. All I can conclude after I reached Thursday was that going through those three days felt like going through one year of hard labour. 

Ok a bit exaggerated but you guys know what I'm trying to send across here. And as the week progresses, with so many thing clouding my head and mind, I find myself disappearing behind all those workload. I don't feel happy nor excited nor good about everything and everyone around me anymore. I can't. And when I do feel something, it usually is a feeling of anger, sad, hurt, irritation, agitation, frustrated mauled into one big nameless emotion. And I just couldn't stand all the pressure. I didn't wanna tell anyone though, cos everyone I know is going through the same thing as I am and if they're not whining then why should I? 

Mentally and physically I was weak. Weak beyond repair. Only Leauran and Emmeliene knew that. And if they weren't trying to take over my body all the time, I might actually like having them inside of me. They can be very good listeners. Well what else can they do except hear me complain all day long. Bet it's the highlight of their day. *nods*

Okay enough crap talk,  basically, i thought after those three days are over, then this whole moaning-sad-all-the-time would also be over. And I felt okay for a while. But then it came again, that feeling of a rope pulling me down into nothingness. into sorrow like I've never felt before. And for once in my life. I was afraid of the incoming feelings. It just feels a whole lot different this time. 

But I tried to keep my mind positive. I told myself that the hols are coming and for this one week at home, I will replenish my energy and self-being. I'm going to meet my blood sisters and some kuantan peeps and boom. I'll be happy as a bunny again. 

Enigma. It didn't. I just feel a whole lot worse about myself as every single day passes and my tweets became so emo that I don't even know what the hell is wrong with my brain anymore. I keep saying hurtful things to people that I never meant or want to hurt. I can't help it. The cruel words just roll out of my tongue like it's been there the whole time, just waiting for the time to be released. 

I became tactless, spiteful and my sensitivity to every actions, every word uttered, and every type of environment just increase by tenfold. 

And insecurities? Oh don't even get me started on that. That is just another topic altogether. 

Even my blog dh emo. Congratulations Shamin, you are nothing but boring. 

Is there anything at all that could get me the hell out of here? Anything at all. Cos believe me I tried.

Gatherings and Sem Break. :)

Say whaaat? Dah midsem? dang. Didn't know time could fly that fast. Seriously. Feels like only two weeks ago I just reached Penang and going through orientation week at USM. Now it's like I'm already halfway through the semester. It's quite unbelievable actually. 

Things have been oddly hectic yet mellow for the past month. Assignments have been more demanding than ever and my social life has taken a toll on itself. I'm starting to realize that, probably, it's not USM that I hate, but degree life itself. I may need some more time to adjust myself to it. Like hey, what do you expect from a freshman who's only two months into her degree?

So now I'm back at home enjoying my short-lived midsem break. One week of holiday feels like two eye blinks now. And a week of class feels like a long drought. Seriously. Or maybe because I enjoy it, it seems short, and the fact that I'm not particularly enthusiastic about classes makes it feel like it's going to drag forever.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, I went back home for Infinite's One Great Step concert(Woohoo!). It was on the 19th of October on a Saturday. So I thought I'd go back a little earlier and use the chance to meet up with my Kuantan peeps as well. Tapi kalau nk jumpa sume mmg x sempat la kan. I mean, they're practically scattered all over Selangor.

Jibah, Shira, Hakim, Afiq, Yas in UM.

Nuna, Bat, Lutfil, Balong in UPM

Shady in UKM

Napi, Puteri, L, and MANY MANY MORE is in UiTM.

I know I couldn't possibly go visit all of them with the little time I had so I had to pick one. And I decided to pick the one I miss and want to see the most which was Jib and Shira. UM it is then.

I was planning to meet them at UM at first, but few things changed and we ended up meeting at Mid Valley and I did not expect that many to turn out. Nuna and Shady joined us, so in a way I x payah pegi UKM dah. LOL. The only person that wasn't there was Bat or else it would've been complete. :(

So cam biasala mula2, pegi makan. talk bout how our different uni lives are progressing and shits. And then suddenly everyone nak overnight pulaaak. We went to KLCC and met with Iqbal and Farid. UM peeps' friends. LOL. Ijul, Shira's boyfriend came along as well. So bole bayang tak how many of us were all together.

Shira, Ijul, Iqbal, Balong, Ajim, Afiq, Farid, Shady, Hakim, Haz, Nuna, Jibah, and me. 13 altogether. Same amount of Super Junior. lol. Sorry. I just had to relate to kpop didn't I.

We went to all sorts of places that night I tell you. Like I don't even know where we went, cos there were many places that we stopped by and it was all just very blurrish to me.

But hell it was fun. Never had that much fun since I entered USM. Then I truly realized how much I miss Jib and Shira.

One thing though that got me thinking that night, I wonder how different my life would be if I entered UM. If I chose UM instead USM. And I can't deny there was that tiny bit feeling of regret that I chose USM over UM.

I was thinking of all the what ifs and it just sadden me to the amount I can't describe anymore.

But I know, I know everything happens for a reason and I know there was a reason why Allah put me in USM instead of UM. That's the only thing I'm holding onto as of now. The only thing I can truly trust.

These are the pic I got from Nuna and Haz's phone. I wish I could get the pics from the others sbb xde gmbar jibah and afiq and the rest. Dayummnn.

Infinite's OGS for next post. Wait for it. :)

First Weekend Back Home.

Things Are Looking Up I Guess.

So it's been a month over since I started my degree here at USM and Alhamdullilah things are finally getting better. I feel the love for this place coming little by little each day and I am hoping to the heavens that the love will continue on growing and not just stop halfway. Please. 

Degree life is hectic. That's all I can say. There's just so many things that needs to be done in a certain amount of time and though it seems like you have all the time in the world with you, before you know it, you're walking on a thread trying to catch up with everyone else. Definitely a 360 degrees change from foundation. Not that I didn't expect it. Just probably. 

Well.

I wasn't prepared for it. 

But the seniors said that your busiest year would be your first and second year so just bear with it for a while. And I wish nothing but for it to be the truth. I honestly don't know how long I'm going to keep up with everything for the next two years. Endurance has never been one of my stronger abilities.

And I don't think I'd survive another day here if MTAK isn't around. They literally make everything at least bearable.

I am constantly stressed out or panic for the time being. There's just so many things that needs my attention that I ended up losing focus in everything I do. And when I do decide to focus, I don't know where to even start. Oh and don't even start on assignments and tutorials, i mean they literally take up ninety percent of my time and St.John meetings every saturday mornings is just making everything worse. No one wants their Saturdays disturbed and certainly no one wants to wake up early on a saturday. But I have to wake up at 6 every saturday morning just to be in time for St. John. I mean, no sleep in after Subuh prayer on Saturdays is just something I'm not used to yet. I guess I will in a few weeks time. I have to I guess.

*Deep Breaths*

But but but but but. Despite everything, I still love my Uni life right now. I mean now it really feels like I'm in another phase of my life. Another era. There are still some things that I need some adjusting to but hey, when have I ever not been able to adjust myself to anything right?

Acceptance Is Needed.

Hello my beautiful imagination readers! Been a while since I last updated and I can proudly say it is due to pure laziness that has been building and spreading itself inside of me for the last few weeks. Well, months I should say.

And everytime I find myself in the mood to update, my laptop wouldn't be there for me to realize my dreams. Sobs Sobs. Ok drama min. Drama.

So i guess the first question is, how have you guys been? Everyone I know is starting a new journey. A new path. A new adventure. Including yours truly. :)

So MONTHS ago. back when I was still fat and hopeless and useless at home, UPU results came out and Alhamdullilah, I was offered a spot in UM and USM as well. Both offered similar courses as well. TESL in UM or TESOL in USM. I had the most difficult time in picking between them actually whereas everyone around me could see the obvious choice I should make. Which is UM. I wondered myself. Why. Why was I having second thoughts on picking either of them. Why couldn't I make my decision in a heartbeat and be done with it?

Because it wasn't that simple as people thought it'd be. I'm going to be spending the most important four years of my life in one of these universities, of course I can't just simply pick. I can't rule USM out just because UM was the other choice, that would be judgemental. I needed to really pull out all the pros and cons.

Most people suggested UM because it was closer to home and it's in KL. And they say that like it's a good thing whereas I like being far from home. Or studying somewhere far. I like far. It gives me this sense of independence that I feel I can control with my own hands. So if it's distance I wanted, then the obvious choice would USM. But UM is like THE uni to go to. And I, Shamin Insyirah Roslan was offered a spot. Is it right for me to decline it?

Shortening the story, I chose USM for reasons that now seemed vague and unimportant to me. But oh well, I've made my decision and now I'm here.

I didn't really like USM at first.

No.


Not even one tiny bit. Just everything about it wreaks of "academic". That was when I started to wonder if I've made the wrong decision by choosing USM. Orientation was hell of course. It was even worse than the MDS i experienced in Jengka.


But it's been one month since I got here, and slowly I'm adjusting to everything. Slowly, I'm starting to love my life here. It's all about being positive people.

There's tons of things I'd still love to share but my writing have gone a little rusty and well, xde mood nak blog.

Ni pun sbb x nk kasi blog berhabuk je.

Till next time peeps.

According To One's Preferences.

I think.

I can boldly say I am a mess right now. Well, when am I ever not.

But for the past week, it was as if something has possessed me inside and has been pushing all the wrong buttons in my body.

I mean, I have acknowledge the fact that I'm an over thinker a long time ago. But nowadays, I may have given the word "over think" a brand new definition. You have no idea how even the slightest things could make me go through an emotional breakdown due to over thinking.

There is one thing that's been bothering me quite a lot lately though and I don't know if it's the result of over thinking or if it's just that feeling I always get once in a while.. I've always trained myself to not bother with these kinds of things cos it's not worth to be bothered with anyway.

But I know I'm human. There are just times where my shield of force weakens and there is nothing else I could do except wait for it to strengthen itself again.

For one, I think my English has gotten worse or maybe I was never really good at it anyway. Just enough for me to speak and communicate efficiently. And maybe get a course in it.

I've always wanted to be a TV Presenter, or a newscaster. Anything that involves in having me in front of the camera and talk till I have nothing to say anymore. But how can I do that when I don't even have the power of amazing vocabs in my hand? The fluency of talking? And with the level of English I am at right now, no one in their right mind would want to hire me.

But hey, I'm nineteen, the world of possibilities is still wide open for me. And to so many others. 

Indecisive.

Everything in my life now seems to be very indecisive. 

Helloooo~ and Assalamualaikum.

It's been a while huh? I didn't realize how dusty this blog has gotten till I decided to log in today.

It's not like I didn't have anything to write about. In fact there are so many I don't even know how or where to begin. And everytime I found the time to sit down and start on a new entry, my mind always got distracted by, well,

all the things that was happening simultaneously in my life.

I still had everything under control. I WAS in control.

Until June came along.

It was as if an unexpected thunderstorm of emotional events bombarded my life. 

The first week of June was coming and that means MDS was around the corner too. I didn't know if I should feel excited or stressed that I'm going back to Jengka for MDS. Sure, I'd be one of the committee now instead of going through the actual MDS itself, but anything that reminds of the MDS that I went through last year would probably just traumatized me.

The only thing I was happy about was the fact that I get to go back to Kuantan and meet my peeps again. And I get two weeks off from work, so all in all, everything was still in a jolly good mood.

MDS, was -in one way to put it- unexpected. It really was. When I first saw UiTM Jengka again I thought I was going crazy. The fact that this place only held bad memories for me and the fact that I am here on my own will, nothing makes sense to me anymore.

But being the organizer of MDS with all the other committee from Jengka and going through MDS with them was different than when I was going through MDS as a new student.

After a week or so, MDS ended and I never thought I'd wanted MDS to be longer. I wished MDS could go on for two more weeks. I didn't wanna leave Jengka and everyone behind. I really did not want to.The new bonds I've made, all the new experiences I'd never be able to forget.

Well, as soon as MDS ended, it was back to work and to my ordinary boring life.

I don't exactly know what happen to me after MDS. Emotionally. It was like my mind and my heart was still in Jengka and my soulless body was here going through my everyday routines like it was asked to. I was so depressed that at one point I thought I lost myself completely. I didn't know who I was and what I was doing anymore. I just feel like crying half of the day.

I stayed in Jengka for one WEEK and it affected me this bad. I wondered the whole time what triggered my emotions to be fairly unstable for the next three weeks.

My hearts always feel uneasy and somehow I just knew that something bad was coming.

I was shocked by a news a few days later that a schoolmate of mine from MRSM Kuala Terengganu has just passed away. Izzat or better known as Pok Jak passed away due to a road accident. My mind went blank. It took me quite a while to process everything in my mind. To accept the fact that he was truly gone, back to his Creator.

I can't say that I was a close friend of Pok Jak but we were friends in a way. I first started to get to know him when we both joined PRS in school and I started to get to know him when he became the president and I became the vice president. And after school ended we hung out a few times. A friend.

Things started to get better after that.

Ismah, Hanna Haz and I had a sleepover and it was heavenly. I had the best times with these kids. LOL.

All in all though, June was just a turmoil of emotions for me. The things I did, feel, or see in that month is just like a blur of vision to me now. Too many things to remember, too many things to forget.

A lot of things happenned actually tp sebab malas gile nk gilee nk tulis I just pointed out the highlights of the month. LOL.

The Uncertainty of Moving On

There are times when you're uncertain of whether you have truly moved on or get over someone. You think you do and the next time that person appears in front of you again, it takes you only about five minutes to decide that you want to be him/her again.

Have you really moved on then?
Do you still go to his FB or Twitter account just to see what he's up to?
Do you still talk about him to your friends eventhough your group of friends don't even know who he is?
Do you still think about all the what ifs?

I've always wondered whether I've really moved on from my previous love. I wonder if all the feelings were really gone. I mean, as of right now, I think the feelings are no longer there, but I know deep deeep inside the bits and pieces are still lingering around.However, I was pretty certain I had moved on back then.

Untill I watch Friends again.

So before returning home after foundation, I stocked up as many movies as I can cos I know I'll need them to fill my time back home and awesomely, Dila had all TEN seasons of Friends. Friends has been one of those comedy series that never fails to make me laugh when I needed one and it's definitely much better than How I Met Your Mother. HIMYM is great but they just don't make me laugh. Nah.

Anyway I've always wanted to watch Friends from the beginning till the end not missing even one episode. But as I was watching and going through the episodes, it really questions me about my status on the moving on part

If there's one thing that they make clear in the series is that you never really truly move on until you found someone else that you can love sincerely.

I've always stuck by the principle that you don't need to fall in love with someone else just to move on, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, of course there ARE people who can do that, but you never really what's going on in their heads right?

Take Monica and Richard for example. So in Friends, Monica met this guy Richard and they dated and she really really loved him. It took her three whole months to finally get back on her feet again and move on. She was miserable for the whole three months, crying everytime she sees something that belongs to Richard in the apartment, being in her sweats all day long, she was a total wreck. After all that hardship of getting over Richard, she accidentally met him again after a few months at a DVD store and all the feelings that was left behind just caught up to her again. and throughout the whole series we could clearly see how Monica, even though she has moved on, if Richard ever comes back and ask to be with her again, she would definitely have said yes as she was so in love with Richard once upon a time. And I knew the moment she truly moved on is when she fell in love with Chandler.


Ross and Rachel is another example. Ross had been in love with Rachel for ten years and finally, one day Rachel found out about it and started liking Ross back. But she couldn't tell Ross how she felt as he was already on his way to Beijing. Ross, thinking he will never have a chance with rachel, moved on and found another girl during his trip to Beijing. He was such in a steady relationship with the other girl and he was starting to think that he could love this girl when he found out about Rachel's feelings for him. result? Of course he broke up with the other girl and went to Rachel. They dated, they were so in love and they broke up. But no matter how many other people they tried to date, it just never works out and at the end, of course, Rachel and Ross ended up together. And you know why? Cos they were never able to love somebody else sincerely and they were each other's true loves. I sound cheesy I know.

I'm not saying that you need to find someone else to be able to move on, but somehow, and in some ways, that's the only way to be certain that you have moved on. Falling out of love is probably one of the hardest thing a person can ever encounter, and somehow I believe now, the only thing that can make a person truly move on from his/her previous love is to find his/her true love. A person he/she can sincerely love. If the person that he/she was previously in love with ask to get back together, and  he/she says no and doesn't have any feelings to even think about that possibilty, then he/she is truly in love with the person he/she is with now and has CERTAINLY moved on. Well. At least that's what I think.

Remember though He knows best and is the one thing you need to love and commit yourself to before you commit yourself to anyone else. :)

So This Is What They've Been Trying To Make Me Feel

So a week before I went home and a day before my Foundation Dinner, my dad got into an accident. I found out on the day of dinner itself. It didn't bug me that much at first since I didn't know how bad his condition was. 

Only when I got home I got to know the full details. 

My dad broke nine ribs, which makes it very hard for him to move. Even when he sneezes, it's as if someone put a sword in his lungs. The doctor said that this is a very rare case as usually a person would only break five to six ribs at the most. But this is NINE. so you can imagine how that's like. When my dad went through the operation, the doctor even said the operation would either be successful or he'd be dead. Luckily it's the former. 

IDK how to explain in full detail but to put it in simple words he has gone through a lot la. So when I got home, basically, I take care of my dad now as my mom has work and my younger siblings has school and my sister is in college. So i'm the only one left at home to take care of him. I didn't feel the seriousness of it all until we made a visit to the hospital one day.

You know when I read books and there were these scenes of the characters at a hospital, they would describe how they hate hospitals because of the dim lights and the gloomy atmosphere and the smell of death and all that crap, I didn't understand them. All my memories of hospitals were happy ones. 

I mean, I never felt anything but excited when I went to hospitals back then.

But then again, I was a kid.

Now that I've grown up and mature enough to understand everything that's going on around me, I can fully get what the author is trying to portray in all those books. The feeling of not wanting to be there cos there was just so much negative aura around. The feeling of probably falling sick as well. 

It was just too much for me. I felt like just getting out of that place. It feels so dim and gloomy that I even lost my appetite. 

Beginnings and Endings. They're Both Terrible

I mean. Seriously.

The middle part is always the best don't you agree? Not the beginning. Not the end. But in the midst of everything.

Beginnings are always tiring as you have to do everything all over again when you meet all these brand new faces and environments. The fact that you have to adjust to the environment and people around for only a fixed amount of time. I mean. It's absurd cos when it ends, you're going to start at the beginning again. With new faces. New surroundings. Sume bende baru la. ALL OVER AGAIN.

But then again., you can't really do anything about it kann?

I know for a fact that it's a part of life and it's somehow, a mandatory thing to do but I just get tired of it sometimes ya' know?

My foundation is ending in a month's time and though I can't wait for the assignments and exams to be complete and finished, never have the thought of wanting to end foundation cross my mind. well. Except at the beginning though.

The start of my foundation year was really horrible. I almost felt glad that foundation was only for a year. I had no friends, no cliques or whatever and everyone underestimated me. Thinking I was just some girl who got lucky to be able to enter TESL. And when Syasya moved to Intec, things felt harder to me as I no longer have my closest friend here.

But like I said. Beginnings are always the hardest. And so is the end.

As time goes by. I made friends. Friends that I can rely on, that I could go through everything together with, and at the end of the third month, I had wished for foundation to be much much longer. I was having too much fun.

Now, with just the blink of an eye, we're reaching the end of our journey. It's hard. To end something that you feel so good about. To end something that you wish with all your heart to go on longer.

Beginnings are the hardest.

But the endings.


They're the worst.

Silly Thoughts. Dumb Feelings. Ridiculous Actions.

I do this almost 23 hours everyday, and it just kills me to realize that I'm not that mature after all. I keep thinking I am mature enough for my age. But well, as always. Assumptions that went too far.

I realize I'm still as sensitive as I used to be. Tempered as I used to be. And everything else that I thought I had improvised over the last five years seems to be just a mere fantasy of my own.

In one way or another, yes, I have improved. But it seemed to be very little. Too little to compare to all the sacrifices I have made to change myself.

Always. To be a better person, I ignored a lot of things that greatly disturb my mind. I smiled away all those anger I've been boiling up inside. And if there's one thing I thought I had DEFINITELY change is the fact that I'm not as sensitive as I used to be.

How wrong I was!
Really wrong.

Can I not just be the better person? Can I just be who I want to be? Can I just do things the way I want them to?

Or does that mean I'm being arrogant?

...

...

Self-War

It's not just you. I think everybody has that feeling once in a while. 

Self-war. 

Having this battle inside of you that only you know of. And the fact that you can't tell anybody makes it immensely harder. 

Sometimes you wonder if it's just you and your head, or is it really happening and everybody is in on it.  Sometimes, you keep it inside for far too long that it kills you to even smile everyday. But you do anyway.

Everyone has a battle with themselves everyday I think.

I can't even begin to describe how extraordinarily painful this feeling is. Especially when you don't know if it's real, or just a fragment of your imagination. It's just one of those things that I think everyone would feel at least once in their life. The only difference would be the situation and the people involved.

But there's one thing you need to know.

Your presence is important. It doesn't matter who you are and what you're like. Allah puts you there for an important reason. He never makes mistakes and you just have to have faith that all His doings are for your own good.

If you feel neglected by your own bestfriends, or family even, then you know what? So be it. Be independent and live your life as you should. Cos that's the most important thing. And if everybody DO decide to neglect you one day. Ingat, ALLAH will NEVER neglect you. As long as you don't neglect Him.

My friend,
You have no idea how your important your presence are to us. Everything would be different if you weren't a part of us.The fact that you even feel neglected saddens me in so many ways. I would never expect you to feel that way and I would never want you to EVER.

And I have no idea why would you ever fell that way. Trust me, you are one of the most one of a kind person I know. Period.

The only reason you feel everybody is superior than you is because you can't see the progress you're making yourself. And the fact that you have very low self-esteem encourage that a lot too.

Having low self-esteem is not going to get you anywhere, in fact it will only hold you back. Like hell.

There's a difference between having low self-esteem and being humble. VERY big difference.

You already stand out from the millions of crowd. All you need now is the confidence to flaunt what you got.

Get out there. Get your confidence. Stand straight. And make the world proud. :)

Specially for,

Our biggest SNSD fan. :)