Something To Offer

When I used to ponder over what a blog is, I used to think that it's a place that one owns and the purpose of it is to make it whatever one wants it to be. A personal space that gives one every right to write and do anything one's heart wishes to do. And it still is. 

That being said, I once read a blog that discussed about the main purpose of blogging. It pissed me off when the blogger said what's the purpose of blogging if you're only going to share your daily mishaps and routines? Like do you think people are really that interested? 

My counterattack to this statement is that you never know when you can be an inspiration to someone. Or indirectly helped someone in need when he or she reads your blog. Humans are mysterious beings and like many things, they work in mysterious ways. Often in ways we never understand. 

The past few weeks of leisure time however has got me re-thinking about my own blog. When I first started blogging, fourteen and still in my I-know-everything phase, I did it because I was a teenage girl who seeks approval from the society and I thought I was interesting enough that people would actually care about my pathetic teenage indecisive life. This, went on for the next three years. It was horrible. If you trace back my old blog posts you will judge this soul so hard you'd click the close tab in no second. And don't even talk about all the grammar errors I made. Yet at that time I had the audacity to think I was a genius prodigy in the English Language just because I always score a tad bit higher than everybody else in exams. What a load of bull fourteen year old self. 

I grew up, thank goodness, corrected what needs to be corrected and learnt from things that I can't undo. Honestly, I'm glad I went through my very stupid puberty phase cos if I didn't I would probably go through it NOW, at this age. I've seen someone gone through puberty at a later age, specifically a person by the name Britney Spears and it is not pretty. No one is going to take bullshits from you anymore and you either get kicked by someone or thrown into the dumpster cos you have too much bull so the dumpster is the only place anyone would allow you to be until you sort things out. 

With growing up comes responsibilities, maturity(yeah that comes in pieces tho), and a lot of time spent on re-evaluating life and the path you're walking on. People say your 20s are your best years and it is best to use it wisely because you only have 10 of them. I didn't think much of it back then cause I was 19 and my 20s were just about to start. But entering 22 had gotten me to think back on a few things. I started to worry about the limited time I have left. I got terrified thinking that I might not do anything worthwhile in my 20s and the one thing that live to tell the tale would be this blog. It's a black and white evidence that I've wasted three years of my twenties away. And I only have Six left! 

I want this blog to be a place I described my adventures. The things I see, the people I meet, the unexpected misfortunes I stumble upon (cause let's face it I'm a bad luck charm and there's no way to go around it). I want my own adventures to give me inspirations to write beautiful article pieces. Something that is actually worth reading and be spread to others who need a good read. I talk about changing my fate, sharing the world with how I see it should be, and discuss the possibilities of millions of different opinions and solutions we face in our youth with other brilliant minds scattered throughout the world because that is what the internet is originally for. To connect people when it seemed impossible back in the ages where life was simpler and clothes were prettier. 

And because personally, I want it for myself. As evidence in the future that I've done some amazing things in my 20s. That why this blog is here. That's why I keep its existence. But three years have past and all that talk about wanting to write about book and movie reviews and what it taught me, about the cultures I find fascinating and how it compares to our own, about feminism and why I take my stand in it, about society's liberality and how far it should and should not have gone. All that talk and the only thing the past three years has shown me that it was just that. talk. It's all for naught. 

Hell I don't even look at the morning newspaper, and my idea of checking the news in the morning is my kpop timeline on twitter. I should probably start with that first. And I expect myself to excel in job interviews with the little general knowledge I have in my brain? Yeah.  I should probably drill that in my head too in case I ever want to drift away again and think life is good enough when you have a bed and an education, which honestly is nothing much these days because everybody has an education. It's a matter of how you plan to do what when your education is not going to cut it. 

So here I am. Writing this because I refuse to let the years I have left proved me right. That I'm good for nothing and I've not done anything with my life accept complain about how miserable everything is and I am getting nowhere while my friends are. Let this post be a reminder of how much more I intend to achieve in my twenties. And let my blog be a reminder that I have to go out there and experience the world because there's a blog waiting for me to share my stories. That I need new stories. 

Long-Term Success Does Not Come Easy.

Haih losing weight is so hard. Especially when you're staying at your parents' house and all food are at your disposal YET the only healthy food they have are eggs and wholemeal bread. And you being the broke student do not have any money to buy healthy non-fattening food to go with your calorie and metabolism diet. So you see, I had to work with what I've got and it's Di-ffi-cult. 

Especially because the staple food in this house is WHITE RICE WHICH IS A BIG NO IN THE DIET AND HEALTHY WORLD. And because I usually take my rice enough for two skinny ladies, now that I'm cutting my calorie, I have to cut down the proportion to half of what I usually take. And I can't eat dinner later than 9 if I can help it because I need 4 hours of not eating anything before I go to bed. And whatever protein that is available is either usually oily, or fattening. But I have no other choice. Either that or I starve which is WORSE because that would just ruin my metabolism rate. 

So you see, a healthy diet is hard when you're poor. Not impossible. 

But hard. 

Cos all the healthy foods are expensive af. If I had money I could easily but lotsa lotsa of protein for breakfast and lunch and eat two big grilled salmon instead of rice and a fish cos I have to share the protein with the rest of the house as well. Grr. And then for dinner I could easily pop some fruits in my mouth cos those things are very fulfilling. I once ate a whole apple for dinner and I was full for the rest of the night. 

But because there's so many great food in the house and I can't really tell what my mom is going to cook the next day, I would slip through the cracks and eat too much and regret it for my whole life an hour later. (I gobbled down four plates of nasi lemak today guilty af) And I can't get any exercising done cos my daily exercise used to involve me cleaning my room and now my room has no more mess to clean up.

I get frustrated at times cos I see no progress and I know that I just started this thing so I can't expect to see any results in at least another three months. Which frustrates me in another way. But I know long term success do not come easy and if it does, it won't last. Experienced it first hand. 

I get tired. Frustrated. And the teasing that comes from my friends when we go out to eat is not helping at all. But I have to pull through . I have to prove to myself that I can do this. That I am more than just my own words and I can do anything if I set my mind to it. And I need to do this.

 I believe that this could help me in achieving another step to love myself. Particularly because loving one self is not one that comes easily when you've spent your whole life resenting your own existence.

A Bad Luck Charm's Dream (Part 1)

I hope when you finally meet me you would be captivated by the beauty I solely possess. You would get cold feet and stumble on all your words because somehow the stare that I exude from my eyes locked your throat and turned off your coherence. ,

I'd like to assume you will find it adorable that my laugh comes out shaky and my eyes wander to weird place because you know I am just nervous as you are. And you let out a quiet breathe of relief because at least you're not the only one feeling very much out of place. At least you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling the present chemistry between the two people currently standing there. 

Our first date would be more awkward than a mermaid learning how to walk for the first time on her new legs but when the moon announces its presence and the wind of the night clouds above us signals the inevitable end to our date, you would still say you enjoyed it and cannot wait for our next date. Surprising yourself at how true those words are. And I'd smile and bid goodnight without being able to say anything else because how do I tell you that it was the best night of my life?  

When You Can't Afford To Be Lazy Anymore.

I'm 22. Graduating my degree next year and I have absolutely no savings. I blame no one but myself and if I had started saving much earlier I would probably don't need to worry about not having enough money to travel. Or to just survive in college in general.

But I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it now.

But to do nothing about it is no longer an option and if I don't start now I would forever be living under the mercy of my parents and friends and I just can't let that happen. Ever. Especially when I always think of myself as someone who can be independent when she wants to be.

These few months of semester break have given me time to reflect on myself and think about my current condition. I realize I'm nowhere near the place I wish I'd be at this age. The result of dreaming too much till you didn't get anything done to realize that dream.

Staying sane.

It's difficult. When you live among a community that does not believe mental illness is real. And it is not treated easily.

It is even harder when you have to explain it to the ones closest to you because it's a part of the treatment and see the shift in their eyes and though they said they believe you, the subtle hint of scepticism in their words and their display smiles of "Hey I believe you" are louder than all the screams you freed during you treatment sessions with the doctor.

And you can't do anything except bring your eyes to rest on the view outside the car window and hoped that they forget whatever you told them because it would be easier that way. You know they think you're exaggerating and nothing can't be fixed with a few good night rest.

Then the cycle starts again. You hide yourself. You show the fine side of you whenever you're in their presence and you pretend the medications are helping you and the illness is long gone because you know if you exhibit even the slightest sign of emotional disrupt they would judge you.

"Ugh here we go again. Attention Seeker. " "Is She even real" "She's stupid if she thinks we believe her act"

And the reassurance that they will comfort you because the treatment requires it-it was the main reason you told them, treatment that needs the support of loved ones-is gone. You knew that you won't get the support you wanted but what else could you do? It was what the doctor asked of you and you need every help you can get in getting better. Because if you don't.

You're not sure how you can play the part of staying sane anymore.