an emotional week.

First week of class hasn't even ended and I'm already so ready to finish the semester. 

ANYWAY, last week had been so emotional it was surreal. It was even worse than the week I found out DBSK split, the week I found out Kris left exo, same goes to the week that Luhan and Tao left exo. 

yes.

it was that bad. 

And the worst part was I didn't even know why. Ok maybe because of THAT THING, but I refuse to believe it was the sole reason that made me soulless and empty for the whole week. It just seemed too pathetic to be affected by it that bad. I need there to be more explanation on why I'm stuck in this numb state. 

I listen to break up songs when I'm not even in a relationship and I got super emotional when I listened to more. Which I did. For 24 hours. Then I would cry my eyes out cos everything feels too much. Then I eat. Then I sleep. I wake up. And repeat the cycle. 

Gawd I was a mess. And I didn't even know why. The aftershock of finding out the news about THAT THING was long gone. And I didn't even feel as sad as I was when I first found out. BUt for some reason, I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop being so emotional and it sucks, 

I feel much better while I'm writing this cos I've been listening to avril lavigne non stop and you know how she is very unapologetic about everything in her songs so yeah it made me feel ten times better again. 

hopefully I never be that weak again. that defeated. I won't and don't want to. It's more than I can take honestly. 

even my post is a mess.

merlin. 

To have a little change

New semester is starting in a few days and I'm not ready for it. 

Well I was never ready for any semesters but it doesn't mean I'm used to it. Especially for this next semester. Honestly I don't think I'll ever be ready for a new semester but I sure would like to. For once I'd like to feel ready for a semester, for anything that will be coming my way.

Ever since I got back from my semester break, I realized how much I've changed for the past few months. Just in terms of how I look at people. And the way I look at my life every single day. And it hit me how different I've become.

And the worst part was, it isn't a good different.

Being around people that really matters to woke me up. How I've become the person I so very much love to condemn once upon a time ago. I want to be the person I used to be. And more. I want to be the person who walk the talk.

And so I wish nothing more for this semester, Except for a little change. in me. even if it as a change to my old self again. 

Keep increasing that word count.

I'm not good at writing. In fact I suck. Big Time. And I hate it. 

I mean the least I could have is natural raw talent that only requires honing. But no I don't even have that. 

I spend all my life, aside from admiring, feeling envy of all the Malaysian authors who are good enough to publish their own work. I envy those who produce such good reading materials that publishing houses feel the need to share it with the world. 

And here I am still stuck with a blog with 2 or 3 readers per year. 

I've thought of quitting many times I lost count. What's the point of continuing if I won't get any better at it? Writing is not a skill you get just by working hard after all. It requires tact, wits, and a whole lot of inner artistry. Which is the one thing I lack most. 

But there is one thing that all  my favourite authors say that stopped me from quitting altogether. 

Most of the authors I have come to admire have always said this when each of them was asked this similar question. 

"How did you get so good at writing? How are you able to produce such work?"

And they always say 

"I didn't stop writing. Even when I had writer's block I never stop. Even when my words seemed rubbish. Even when sentences didn't make sense. Even when everything I wrote felt like it could come out of a middle schooler's book. I never. stop. writing. And that should go for all aspiring writers too. Never stop writing."

That led me to the decisions I made regarding writing. And that is to never stop. No matter if I will never be great at it, or even get any better. But if they, my favourite authors, are able to go so far because they live by those words, 

then why not me.

right?

Meteora's First Birthday Bash : Photos

And last but not least, the short video Bat made for us.