Nineteenth's Wishlist

Well. Kalau nak ikutkan I nak Samsung Note 3 but well. That's out of the question already in the first place. I had a big birthday celebration last year. With the coming of age week and all. So this year I was thinking of taking it down a notch..

No birthday cake.
No gifts.
No wishes.
In fact no celebration at all.

I just don't feel like I want any of these this year. Suddenly the feeling of wanting a quiet peaceful birthday is all that I crave for.

I know it may sound weird. Or maybe not to those of you who's been preferring quiet birthdays. But not me. A quiet birthday is actually something very new to me. Haven't had one for such a long time.

Scratch that. The right word would be never. I've always treated all my birthdays as grand celebrations. Each one has its own significant memory that I can remember. I mean cmon. It's the day I was born. How can I not celebrate the fact that I've reached another age?

Last year was the my biggest celebration cos it was my 18th bday. It needed to be grand. I had a coming of age week just for that. And maybe I'll have another one when I turn 21 with the rest of MTAK and whatnot.

But for now. For this insignificant 19. I just wanna rest. I wanna celebrate it on my own. Go out with myself. Eat dinner with myself. And watch a movie with myself. Sooo probably, I'm not quite sure of myself either what I'm trying to say, but maybe what I want is

To celebrate my 19th bday with myself. To celebrate me because I've never celebrated for myself. Like you know. I've celebrated my birthdays for me and myself. But when have me celebrate for myself?

Man. *sounds of breaking glasses*

Of course I'd celebrate with others as well. I mean I can't just ignore them completely. But on THAT day itself. The 26th of November in 2013, i want to do whatever I want. And celebrate by myself. Other days, it doesnt matter what people wanna do to celebrate my bday anymore.

Ceeh macam bajet ade org nk celebrate bday kau ye insyirah.

Soo yeah. There's no wish list really. I mean there's a wish but there's no list considering I only have one wish. That's pretty amazing if I think back to my sixteen's wishlist. Birthday wishes from 50 people la, new camera la. Man I was a brat. But reaching nineteen. I only have one. And that is to celebrate my bday on THE day by myself. I want to be able to completely immerse myself in me. Hope that doesn't sound too narcissistic.

If there's a place I wish I could go for my bday though it would be here.

I've always fe;t like I belong in the ocean or the City Of Atlantis if it ever existed.

All of my most vivid dreams involves me being in a lost ocean or lake somewhere with nothing  in sight for miles on end/

I wish I could just be a mermaid

 and live in a far off ocean where the sun never rises. 

Like that picture up there.

Sensitivity at its peak.

I rarely get insecure with myself. And if I do, it's usually after midnight and I just take it as one of those after midnight bad habits. But lately, I don't know, everything feels so overwhelming and completely out of hand. Not sure if it's just me being dramatic again or I'm not doing anything to fix it or if it's just how it is.

I don't exactly know when it this depression/stress-for-no-reason thing began but I'm guessing it started on that final week before midsem break starts. Hell it was one panic week. Never have I had a more chaotic week than that one. Which seems like it's a long time ago but in actuality it was the previous week. -,-

Everyday for the first three days, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday just feels really frantic and everything and everyone is just waiting to burst and explode itself all over me. And well, after Wednesday, everything else was pretty mellow. The problem was trying to get through those three days. All I can conclude after I reached Thursday was that going through those three days felt like going through one year of hard labour. 

Ok a bit exaggerated but you guys know what I'm trying to send across here. And as the week progresses, with so many thing clouding my head and mind, I find myself disappearing behind all those workload. I don't feel happy nor excited nor good about everything and everyone around me anymore. I can't. And when I do feel something, it usually is a feeling of anger, sad, hurt, irritation, agitation, frustrated mauled into one big nameless emotion. And I just couldn't stand all the pressure. I didn't wanna tell anyone though, cos everyone I know is going through the same thing as I am and if they're not whining then why should I? 

Mentally and physically I was weak. Weak beyond repair. Only Leauran and Emmeliene knew that. And if they weren't trying to take over my body all the time, I might actually like having them inside of me. They can be very good listeners. Well what else can they do except hear me complain all day long. Bet it's the highlight of their day. *nods*

Okay enough crap talk,  basically, i thought after those three days are over, then this whole moaning-sad-all-the-time would also be over. And I felt okay for a while. But then it came again, that feeling of a rope pulling me down into nothingness. into sorrow like I've never felt before. And for once in my life. I was afraid of the incoming feelings. It just feels a whole lot different this time. 

But I tried to keep my mind positive. I told myself that the hols are coming and for this one week at home, I will replenish my energy and self-being. I'm going to meet my blood sisters and some kuantan peeps and boom. I'll be happy as a bunny again. 

Enigma. It didn't. I just feel a whole lot worse about myself as every single day passes and my tweets became so emo that I don't even know what the hell is wrong with my brain anymore. I keep saying hurtful things to people that I never meant or want to hurt. I can't help it. The cruel words just roll out of my tongue like it's been there the whole time, just waiting for the time to be released. 

I became tactless, spiteful and my sensitivity to every actions, every word uttered, and every type of environment just increase by tenfold. 

And insecurities? Oh don't even get me started on that. That is just another topic altogether. 

Even my blog dh emo. Congratulations Shamin, you are nothing but boring. 

Is there anything at all that could get me the hell out of here? Anything at all. Cos believe me I tried.

Gatherings and Sem Break. :)

Say whaaat? Dah midsem? dang. Didn't know time could fly that fast. Seriously. Feels like only two weeks ago I just reached Penang and going through orientation week at USM. Now it's like I'm already halfway through the semester. It's quite unbelievable actually. 

Things have been oddly hectic yet mellow for the past month. Assignments have been more demanding than ever and my social life has taken a toll on itself. I'm starting to realize that, probably, it's not USM that I hate, but degree life itself. I may need some more time to adjust myself to it. Like hey, what do you expect from a freshman who's only two months into her degree?

So now I'm back at home enjoying my short-lived midsem break. One week of holiday feels like two eye blinks now. And a week of class feels like a long drought. Seriously. Or maybe because I enjoy it, it seems short, and the fact that I'm not particularly enthusiastic about classes makes it feel like it's going to drag forever.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, I went back home for Infinite's One Great Step concert(Woohoo!). It was on the 19th of October on a Saturday. So I thought I'd go back a little earlier and use the chance to meet up with my Kuantan peeps as well. Tapi kalau nk jumpa sume mmg x sempat la kan. I mean, they're practically scattered all over Selangor.

Jibah, Shira, Hakim, Afiq, Yas in UM.

Nuna, Bat, Lutfil, Balong in UPM

Shady in UKM

Napi, Puteri, L, and MANY MANY MORE is in UiTM.

I know I couldn't possibly go visit all of them with the little time I had so I had to pick one. And I decided to pick the one I miss and want to see the most which was Jib and Shira. UM it is then.

I was planning to meet them at UM at first, but few things changed and we ended up meeting at Mid Valley and I did not expect that many to turn out. Nuna and Shady joined us, so in a way I x payah pegi UKM dah. LOL. The only person that wasn't there was Bat or else it would've been complete. :(

So cam biasala mula2, pegi makan. talk bout how our different uni lives are progressing and shits. And then suddenly everyone nak overnight pulaaak. We went to KLCC and met with Iqbal and Farid. UM peeps' friends. LOL. Ijul, Shira's boyfriend came along as well. So bole bayang tak how many of us were all together.

Shira, Ijul, Iqbal, Balong, Ajim, Afiq, Farid, Shady, Hakim, Haz, Nuna, Jibah, and me. 13 altogether. Same amount of Super Junior. lol. Sorry. I just had to relate to kpop didn't I.

We went to all sorts of places that night I tell you. Like I don't even know where we went, cos there were many places that we stopped by and it was all just very blurrish to me.

But hell it was fun. Never had that much fun since I entered USM. Then I truly realized how much I miss Jib and Shira.

One thing though that got me thinking that night, I wonder how different my life would be if I entered UM. If I chose UM instead USM. And I can't deny there was that tiny bit feeling of regret that I chose USM over UM.

I was thinking of all the what ifs and it just sadden me to the amount I can't describe anymore.

But I know, I know everything happens for a reason and I know there was a reason why Allah put me in USM instead of UM. That's the only thing I'm holding onto as of now. The only thing I can truly trust.

These are the pic I got from Nuna and Haz's phone. I wish I could get the pics from the others sbb xde gmbar jibah and afiq and the rest. Dayummnn.

Infinite's OGS for next post. Wait for it. :)