An empty casket.

That's what I'm comprised of. 

A casket. With nothing but dust and spider webs filling the hollowed spaces. I wish I could clean it spotless. Filling it with things that could assist me in the future. That could make me beautiful. Insightful. That could make me extraordinary. 

That could make me human. 

I keep thinking how I haven't contributed anything to mankind and the world yet I have been shamelessly demanding so much things from them. With a fixed stand that I deserve everything I have let my voice to demand. 

It's ridiculous. How hatred takes over me yet the only obstacle in front of me is myself. How I destruct myself yet I blamed other people for chances that they weren't afraid to take. It doesn't make sense that I can't control my own mind and feelings. It just doesn't

make

any

sense. 

Between All The Thorns.

So.

I wasn't able to keep the resolution that I made. Another disappointment to add to my list of other life failures,

And apparently everyone is just eager to tell me that I have failed in keeping my resolution. which sucks.

Life is supposed to have ups and downs but somehow it seems that I myself am dead set on making my life as miserable as it can be.

I try not to slack off too much. Nor waste my time too much on insignificant things. And as much as I hate to admit it,  kpop is included in said category too. Well it is when you spend more than half the day on nothing but beautiful faces and you're 21 and have no single clue of what you're going to do with your imminent future.

Adding to that, since the beginning of the year, I've been feeling like i'm in a state of in between. neither this or that. neither here or there. and it pains me too much sometimes to think that i'm floating on uncertain waves.

where do i go.

where CAN i go?

And with all that's happened between my blood sisters during my semester break and the things that keeps happening to me after that.

I mean it doesn't affect me anymore. Atleast that's what I told myself. But it seems as though my mind and heart have a different answer. To not be able to control your own mind is the last thing I want right now.

maybe i should get a pen pal.

Hard Love

Hello. 

The last time I posted anything was less than 2 months ago. 

The last time I tried to stick to my resolution was less than 2 months ago. 

The last time I thought we would stick through regardless of what is was 1 month ago. 

The last time I thought we would ever hit this low was a year ago. 

The last time I thought of the possibility that it would be this bad was never. 

And here it is. 

Hitting me right in the face.

How strong my bad luck charm is. 

It's the effort that matters?

I tried my hardest to keep the resolution I made at the beginning of the year. Believe me. I tried. So very hard. 

Due to forces of certain circumstances though, I wasn't able to keep my resolution. I am trying though. Although I might not blog on the day itself I'd try my best to make sure that each day has an entry. Even if I have to blog about it a day or two after said day. 

I mean it's the effort that matters right? 

So I'm still keeping my resolution right? 

RIGHT?

To Do List

• PET 225
• Group Video Assignment (Syud, Shamin, Caca, Auni, Lijah)

• QMT 222 
• One minute animation (with Moli)
• Have to include motion tween, classic tween, shape tween, bone tool and sound element
• Due 26th May 2015

• HXE 229
• Report Assignment (with Olivia)

• LAK 100
• Oral Dialogue Test

• QMT 213E
• Interview Video (Serena, Shamin, Mira)
• 15 minutes
• Persuasive Video (Serena, Shamin, Mira)
• 30 minutes

• Stop Procrastinating
• Hell that ain't gon happen but please make an effort at least min. 

The End Game

No one knows. And that's what terrifies me the most. Because my end games never ended well. And I was forced to live with what is left.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days honestly but I will blog about each day right after this one. Things have been too hectic and exhaustion took me to the point that I would fall asleep in seconds after I lay down.

Today though.

S just got back to USM. Her brother passed away last week. And I was worried for when gets back as I am not known for being a great comfort to friends. I suck at comforting people and I wonder if she needs it from me. Usually when I go through a hard time, I would prefer it if people leave me be. If they just give me space because honestly that's all I need. And my fault is that everyone else would be the same too. So when a close friend of mine is going through a hard time, I would usually give her space. I won't ask her anything about the matter. I won't try to comfort her. I would just treat her like I would any other day and thinks that she'd appreciate that.

There were just so many deaths happening to the people closest to me nowadays, it made me think how my own end game would be. And would anyone be there to weep for me. And though I already know the answer to that. Though I know no one would. I can't help but ponder upon it. I can't help but sink into a dark realm and stay there. Because it is definitely safer. familiar.

I have lost all desire to be one half of a soul. For my soul was ripped apart as soon as I was born and what's left is this hollowed body.

I have lost all desire to escape. For everywhere I turn there is no window. no door. not even a hole that would allow me to. For every place I venture allows me no escape and the only thing I can do is endure. For that is what I have been doing for a long time.

Some may doubt my words. Some may believe. Some may outright laugh.

And so from there I know I have no one but myself. And that is the one place I wish to escape from the most.

Georgetown. paper balls. and a killer game.

And here I thought St. John couldn't be any more demanding. 

It is the second day of KKI and I know I say this a lot, but I have never been so exhausted in my life. It was a day packed with walking and exploring and more walking, and more and more. 

And more. 

The day started with us going to Georgetown. We were given missions to accomplish while walking around Georgetown. So that is already half a day of walking.

When we got back we only had an hour of rest before continuing with explorace around USM. 

And then that night it was a killer game they call it. A game where you have to find the killer among a family whose all the sons and daughters are trying to inherit the Mother's inheritance for their own selfish benefit. 

Then the excos had a meeting until late at night. I was only able to go back after 1.30 in the morning. 

Tired would be an understatement. 

And so it begins.

The first day of St. John's Kem Kemahiran Insaniah is today. And one of our final projects before St. John officially comes to an end for me.

The worst thing is that it's only the first day and already I feel like they've drained all energy from my already exhausted body.

Selinkruiner

If someone told me two years ago that a man named Selinker could ruin my entire day just by making the task of understanding his definition of fossilization in second language acquisition so hard I would've laugh my ass off because it would be impossible for any linguistic expert to get anything out of me except the utmost respect for their contribution in language development.

But Selinker proved me wrong. 

Cos I'm not mentally ready,

These upcoming weeks will be hell.

And I'm denying to myself that I am ready.


When in actual fact.

I can break down in seconds.

She lost a dear one.

And I hope she's doing alright.

I hope she stays strong.

I hope she's alright

My condolences to the whole family.

And my heart goes out to you especially.

Already?

May.

We are already entering what I call "the middle months". The most hardcore months throughout the whole year.

I've always felt that the hardest months to go through are the months of June, July, and August. And the fact that we've already reached May and it only takes another four weeks before June comes is incredibly daunting.

My emotional state is on the brink of losing control and currently I am just waiting for it to combust. Everything is just double the sensitivity, double the offense and double the hurt. And there's nothing I can really do about it as I wasn't programmed to be ice cold no matter how much I wish I were. 

My financial status is at its worse (though I don't know how it could actually get any worse than last year's. Apparently it is possible.)

Don't even talk about my work progress. I tried to erase procrastination as my middle name but all efforts seemed useless. 

It's just another May. 

Missing.

Over emotional.

Is what I've been feeling for the past few days and I hate it.

I know mostly it's just me feeling things that are not even there in the first place. And I wonder why do I do this to myself. Why I let myself be drowned in my own sick feelings. Even worse I won't let anyone pull me out because that would be too easy. Too wrong.

In the end, everybody has a person they can hold on to. To at least keep a finger on them so that they don't fall into the hands of insanity. I don't have one. I'm not sure I want one. And I'm still wondering why I'm not already falling into a madness.

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.

Maybe I'm living in it.

Abandoned. Be Abandoned. It makes no difference now and the only thing that matters is is there is going to be somebody opening the entrance open at the end of the cave.

I don't belong to anyone.

I'm used to it.

I've never been someone's. I've never been called "mine" by someone else. I've never been a bae.

Just cos I never really hold any valid significance in anybody's life. And that used to terrify me to no end. But I've gotten so used to it that it just feels weird for someone to actually want to make me his.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not smart.

I don't have any useful talent.

My personality sucks.

And I am a half eaten bread.


Still, I have the audacity to think someone would still find me worth taking . How shallow. How innocent. How naive.

After all you've done to yourself .

After all the damage I've done.


After all.

Relying on echoes.

Lately it's all I've been relying on.

Lately it's the only thing I am able to trust.

Your silent echoes are the only thing that keeps me sane. That keeps me above the water.

I hear your distant calling and I want nothing more than to run into your embrace.

But the fact of the matter is you're not here.


You will never be.


And the fact of the matter is.

You're not real

Been A While

Hard.

Letting go.

The most common advice given because it makes the most sense.

But when you're forced to do it for the third time. Can you do it?

F*cked up

I am.

I know.

I'm trying.

I know I always say that.

But there's nothing else for me to do really except to try and try again.

While my mom.

Normal people go to paris and collect postcards and all sorts of artsy fashionsy things.

My mom collects :

Free earphones and ponchos. 

She knows life's great neccesities 

Remind yourself

Video Assignment. 

Korean Culture poster.

Report PGT

Pertanding Pertolongan Cemas.

Min. 

You have a lot to do.

Please.

Remind yourself.

More.

More. 

I need more of this. 

A lot more. 

I need more time

Everytime we meet, 

Kinda feel like time is just green with envy, 

I'm Just Bad L-

No you're not min. Stop saying that. You're not bad luck.

So many people try to convince me that without even knowing the things that hit me ever since I was young. I'm not even asking them to pity me cos I go through shitty things all the time. Cos I know there are people who go through shittier things than me and don't even complain and come out glorious. I just need you to understand that being me means being bad luck and I would bring no benefit for you except bad luck. I am just waiting for everybody to realize that because once they do they can finally say,

"yeah. you are bad luck. Stop f*cking my life over" and I can atleast feel good that one life is saved from more bad things than they already have.

Maintain is goal

Cos I can't control my weight.

It goes up really quickly.

It goes down just as fast.

And it's frustrating cos it's tiring for the body. It's tiring for my mental health. It's tiring for me to figure out what stage I am in my diet and of course, it obviously shows, I'm doing it wrong.

I have never hated myself more.

And I'm still trying to figure out how majority of people can love themselves. For real how do you do that

can i say

you look absolutely divine today

Me.

dead.

Thank you.

Because one day they will say goodbye

One day everybody will.

When they find out what's wrong with me.

When they find out who I really am.

When they find out what I've become.

But until that day comes, let me just hold on to insanity for a little longer.

Before I eventually have to let the rope go.

Before they eventually see the monster that I am.

And then I woke up.

truthfully, I slept a lot today. 

Like a lot. 

And yes I still have a lot of things that needed done before Monday arrives. But my roommate wasn't around and I just felt so free after completing my cs6 that I decided to sleep. 

A lot. 

The one thing I love about sleep is that I tend to dream quite often. And while most people said that they don't even remember half the dreams that that dreamed about after they woke up, I tend to remember most of mine. 

For instance today, as I mentioned earlier I slept a lot today so I had more than one dream and both of these dreams I remember clearly till now. 

The first one felt like a movie where there is a beginning and end. Literally. 

It starts with my family moving in to a new house. It's been a while now but I'm staying in one of the upstairs bedroom. I don't exactly know why but my original bedroom which is downstairs is not to be used in the mean time. I was having some friends over for some kind of celebration but  I don't exactly know what we were celebrating. We were talking in my room when they started pestering me about my old room. requesting to see it. They knew that my room is always a mess, which makes them more curious of how my old room look like. I kept refusing at first because I KNOW how messy it is but I caved. I went down first just to see how messy it was but when I opened it was spotlessly clean. 

I knew my mom had cleaned the room and I was furious. I hate it when someone other than myself clean MY room honestly I hate it so much. I yelled for my mom and when she found me in the room i started shouting at her, furious at what she's done before stomping upstairs. My friends didn't hear the shouting so they were still hoping they could see the room. I sigh thinking what the hell the room is clean anyway. 

When we went into my room though, my dad suddenly brought in the dining table and then suddenly all the guests started pouring in and we ended up having dinner in my old bedroom/

which is weird i know. 

we were eating when we suddenly heard like an explosion outside the house and i caught a glimpse of two policemen. there was no way they're coming to get me are they? I don know how but in the dream i knew that i was arrested once for drug possession. 

but they did walk to our house, walk into my old bedroom and handcuffed me saying that they found the package that i had in my bag while going through security airport earlier in the day had traces of drug. I was half crying and half screaming claiming my innoncence and apologizing to my mom for yelling at her when i was dragged out. at one point i kinda thought it was punishment for being mean to my mom. 

we were walking under a huge tent that was holding some kind of event i believe because there was so many people there. but just as we were to get at the end of the tent somebody stop the police, a friend of mine i suppose, shouting to prove my innocence. the police wouldnt believe her and killed her by throwing a blade that cuts off her head. 

They were on to me next so I pick the person in front of me and try to block their blades from hitting me. it hit the man instead. and at that moment i cant believe i just killed an innocent man in exchange for my life. The man was dead so i had to put him away but when i looked up front the police were still hot on my heels and i saw the blade flying towards me, i was waiting for the slice on my head but it never came. someone had gone infront of me and hit him instead. i opened my eyes

and it was voldemort, 

i know. 

weird. 

the last thing he said to me before he died was "atleast i got to do something good with my life" another blade was thrown and it sliced my hand. 

But before anything else could happen I was already in a different setting. it felt like it's been several years since that incident happen and i was walking in the mall with a friend. she said she wanted to go to the restroom so i waited for her outside. 

she was taking too long so i went inside to check on her. one of the cube doors were thrown open and my friend came flying out all bloody and dead. i looked inside the cube and saw him. 

voldemort evil-er version 2.0

and then I woke up. -,-

Impending darkness.

I try to stay upright.

I try to hold still.

I try to stay insane. 

But I'm known to be too weak to hold on for too long. 

I made myself weak. 

And I'm paying the price. 

Maybe next time?

It doesn't look like it right now but I have a lot of work that needs to be done and be submitted. 

And I have next to nil motivation to do any of it. Which is probably the case almost every semester. unlike all of my other coursemates I don't have a 3.5 cgpa and so I either have to pick up the slack or be in danger of getting left behind. all alone. 

That thought alone terrifies me. 

Talking about workload and assignment burdens, it has also become the cause for me not being able to go back home at all until this semester ends, seeing as how we do not have semester break as well. Which sucks real bad cos Ama is coming back from UK in a few days and blood sisters are planning to meet up next weekend. Alea is having it rough this past few months. Hajar is having a tough time adjusting to degree life in Seremban. And Ama is coming back. It's the perfect time to gather actually, and rant about everything that is wrong in each of our lives. 

But alas, USM has a knack for keeping me here as long as she can. Now going as far as destroying every chance I might have to go back and meet my blood sisters. 

Honestly though I have never gone through a sem where I don't go back home and meet blood sisters. It's what keeps me going for the rest of the sem. Going back and meeting them is like rehabilitation. You refresh your memory. rejuvenate your mind. before you need to go to back to war and survive because there are people rooting for you to get out alive. 

And the fact that I am not going to see them at all until the semester finishes. It's kind of a new challenge for me. 

Though I have to say it's not as bad here as it used to be. I used to be a zombie. Going out of my mind just because I realize I have another 3 years here. Now though it's getting better. I'm adjusting and USM doesn't seem so bad anymore. Plus the fact that this is going be the last semester for St. John activities helps IMMENSELY. 

And also I have a few friends here that keeps me sane from day to day thank god. 

Actually they keep me more than sane. And for once I realize why I never regretted coming to USM. I wouldn't have met them if I had decided UM and that would be a waste of great friends I never got the chance to know and cherish(eww)

Honestly though, thanks for being here. in USM. with me. You're going to have a lot of bad luck so tell me when you're done. But in the mean time.

Thank you. 

I am not fooled by April

No I am not.

First off Happy April Fools day everybody. Seems like this year all the fansites are going crazy over april's special day as well. I saw a rapmon fansite become bobby's. One of minseok's become the manager's. lol that one was funny.

Anyway the first day of April brought challenges of themselves. For one thing I was suppose to have the meal of a lifetime today after a while. But due to unavoidable circumstances it was postponed. Really like someone did an april fools on me when it had nothing to do with april fools in the first day. ironic really.

And the GST thing starts today which is also ironic because everyone's been dreading it and it just has to start on the first of April. Feel like the government just wants to play with people's feelings like "oh why not we start on April Fool's day? HAHAHAHHAHA. ISN"T THAT FUNNY"

haha.

It's also the second day Jae's in the army. I wonder if he's doing fine. I worry for him a lot really. especially after knowing what division he was assigned to.

haih.

what a fool. I am.

He's finally gone.

...

Black Week

What a black week indeed. 

Jae finally cut off his hair. 

This is not a dream. 

There is no waking up. 

Black week is almost ending. 

Which also means he is finally leaving. 

And I don't think my heart can take it. 

Despite how much I convinced myself I could. 

It's really happening.

You're really leaving

Don't Go.

Please

I Said NO procrastination.

See but that's all I did today. 

I skipped all my classes today. Could've get loads of shits done. Would even have time to study for my korean language test tomorrow. But no. 

I decided to just lay around. log on twitter occasionally, read a few fics. eat. then take a nap. And these actions were repeated throughout the whole day. 

Yet I told myself at the beginning of the sem that I will control my procrastination and I won't let it control me this time. Today though, proves that it still does and if I don't start fighting for real, I might just never win against it. or anything else for that matter, 

I have two presentations next week, a post-mortem for st.john's project to watch over, a korean language test tomorrow that probably takes 30% of my final grade. 

And I have the balls to procrastinate like it's nobody business? 

Yep. I definitely deserve a scholarship. 

really, it's amazing that I get to blog today on time. 

oh. and it's minseok's bday tomorrow. 

#BlackWeek

With Jaejoong leaving for the army in less than a week, it is inevitable that I go through such a week.

One week to Jaejoong's enlistment I made myself a #blackweek and wear black from head to toe as a sign of mourning. As a sign of letting Jae go and wait for him to come back in two years. 

I don't know if it's the pms or just due to the fact that Jae is leaving that is making me all moody and have unexplainable moodswings. Or maybe it's because I'm wearing all black and that is affecting what I feel most of the time. 

But I know I'm not fun to be around anymore. 

Which is why I don't feel like going anywhere nor do anything. I don't feel like going to some fancy dinner with an unknown blind date who by the way is only taking me because he has no other choice. I don't feel like doing any assignments when in actuality I have to prepare for two by next week. I don't feel like doing any notes on all the previous classes when I know I should if I ever want to get dean's list. I feel like there're so many things that needs to be done. MUST be done. 

But it's #blackweek. 

And black is telling me to mainly focus on Jae's leave. 

I wanted to.

We were best friends back in Asasi. This one dude and I. I even dare say I was closer to him than my Meteoras. We both got into USM. And I really thought we'd go a long way. 

But things happened.

Maybe I was oversensitive. 

Maybe he didn't treasure the friendship as I wish he would. 

either way, one day we weren't friends anymore. I kinda wished we were able to fix. I kinda wish that we'd get through this. 

But my heart was hurting too much and it was the last straw. 

And I was happy. Letting go of him. Though it hurt. Though it broke me down to pieces at one point. But I was finally happy and free. 

But I saw him last night. 

And everything I tried to make myself believe I was happier without him came crashing down without warning. 

I didn't greet him. Nor did I acknowledge his presence. Though he did. 

But I wanted to. I wanted to look him in the eyes. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to say, "I miss you and I want us to be like old times again"

But that would mean all my efforts would be a waste. That would mean I have forgotten all the broken promises and careless words. That would mean I wasn't hurting anymore.

But I was. And I still am.

But I miss us. 

Wonder.

If anything is ever going to make sense.

Maybe you just need to believe.

What's the point of me putting efforts if you'll never believe?

One thing at a time.

Keep your calm.

Maintain your pace.

And everything should go smoothly.

When Caring Becomes Too Much.

And it ain't even the right kind of caring. 

It's the I-like-being-in-everybody's-business kind of caring. I mean I know I too sometime poke my nose here and there but I always know where to cross the line. Some people unfortunately, are not aware that there is such a thing. And it sucks when that person keeps reappearing in your life even when he or she has nothing to do with you anymore. 

It sucks even more when that person is affecting the people closest to you as well. 

See I get it if you hate us. I get that you despise us despite the fact that we have done nothing in particular towards you or any of your friends for you to develop this unnecessary hate on us. Because yeah you don't need a reason to hate on people, you can hate them all you want and badmouth us to anyone you want. People need entertainment to survive and for a lifeless person such as yourself this is the perfect entertainment. For a person who claims that you have so much going on in your life, that you don't even have time for such petty things, you seemed to be contributing quite an amount of time and effort into condemning us to every person who would lend their ears. 

I did say I get it. But I still don't know why you are actually doing it. Why you're so interested in condemning everyone else's life because for sure someone who's willing to go as far as you would only have one reason as to why. It's because you think you have the right to have a say in everything wrong in other people's life. What you don't realize is that your life is having it much worse. 

Always playing the victim when in actuality you were the one who started up the fight. When in the truest form you were the one who wanted the drama so you can play the victim all over again.

And to tell you the truth. I used to feel so sorry for you. 

Now it's just sympathy. 

He Was Like A Gift

So as I mentioned in my post yesterday. it was my birthday according to the Islamic Calendar and also coincidentally a Friday the 13th so I had a hunch that it would be a good day as two of my favorite days were occurring at the same time yeaay. 

And yeah. it was a good day. :D

I went down to Saujana and Restu's shared cafe to have lunch and FINALLY. 

I saw Daffodil. Loves. 

This is the first time I actually saw him this semester and everything was just kind of befitting. First time seeing him. on my islamic birthdate no less! AND FRIDAY THE 13TH NO LESS! gawd it just felt so right. It felt like the most appropriate gift I could ever get on such a day. He was wearing Baju Melayu (++ POINTS HERE) and it was one of my of fav colours nonetheless. GREEEEY with a simple dark denim. 

So. perfect. 

And I saw him again when I went to Big Bad Wolf. He was wearing black and white stripes tshirt and he has never looked so good and I think he's been working out too, from the looks of the barely there muscles on his arms. I've always liked men with a lil bit of muscle. :)

He's always so simple in what he chooses to wear but he looks impeccable all the time anyways.

Tell me 

How can I not be attracted to such man. 

If only I can get the chance to talk to him. atleast once. Just so I can see what kind of a person he truly is and if I would really fall for him once I really know what he's like. <3 p="">

It's 13. And It's Friday.

And coincidentally it's my birthday according to the islamic calendar.

And it's Friday the 13th.

For sure it's going to be a good day right?

Ideal Type.

Dark Skin

Cos men who can work darker skin can work anything.

Curly hair.

Cos they're so much more fun to play with than straight hair.

Sharp Jawline.

Just because.


Just like

Reese Ritchie

Hell.

To the yeah 

It's my fault

It will always be.

And so it ends.

Freedoms are so short.

Tired.

But for once.

I feel free.

I can't.

Erase the scars. 

Hello.

Is anybody home?

Cos I feel like I'm the only one greeting hello. 

And you think you're alone in the world. 

When all you have to do is just reply me 

You're Really Leaving.

31.3.2015

The day my life will start to fall apart.

Keep On Standing

Is what I'm trying to do for the past few days. Second week of the semester just started and I can already feel all the workload lurking in a corner. waiting for the right moment to pounce all at once. And they know when the time comes I have no choice but to just keep trying my best to stand on my own two feet.

I'm finally able to take korean this semester. 

And honestly, I have never been more excited to learn. To come to a class. To STUDY for something. To even make an effort of studying for it. 

So far lessons are still easy cos we just entered the basics but I'm pretty sure I will meet a few rough patches along the way in the future. 

St. John has been more demanding than ever. What with pre-hospital care class I have to arrange this week and my MSJ project in another 2 weeks, and I still haven't done anything for Pertandingan Pertolongan Cemas dan Kawat there's just too many things to settle

Tutorials start next week and I'm pretty sure when that starts my state of sanity would be haywire again. 

Hell is Coming.

I can feel it. 

This semester. 

It's going to be hell. 

And this time. 

I don't know if I can even make it out alive. 

I guess it's true.

So I haven't really blogged for the past few days. Mainly because my mind is preoccupied with too many things and I can't seem to put everything in order just yet.

But the first week of study has finally gone by and I am calm and collected enough to properly blog after what seems like forever. 

As per usual with every semester, the workload is as heavy as one can put on a student. And here I thought second semester would be a lot less burdening than the first semester. But I've talked too often about my busy life here in USM and I don't want to bore you people with more whinings. 

So regarding the title for the post today, it's about my bad luck charm actually. A few months back, I started having doubts about me being a bad luck charm. Maybe I don't bring bad luck after all. Maybe my existence in other people's life could actually bring good things. Maybe, 

I am actually a charm. 

I guess I was still naive, All these years. and still it was not enough to teach me that I could never bring anything good to anyone's life no matter how I think about it. No matter how I try to turn everything around. In fact my trials just make everything a lot worse. And it hurts even more knowing that the people around me are getting affected by it regardless of how much they convinced me that it isn't any of my doing. that it's not my bad luck charm. 

If only they've known me for as long as I know myself, they'd definitely have a different say

And the events that has occurred this past week has made it clearer than anything that I am a bad luck. 

Bad Luck Charm Proof 1

A friend of mine, whom I consider the closest to me in USM, is one of the smartest girl in TESOL and she always gets dean's list gpas/cgpas every semester. We started to become close last semester and it is during that semester as well that she failed to get dean. The semester that we became close. And I just can't help feeling that partly it was because she got close to me. Party because I became the bad luck charm in her life too. And I don't want that for her. Least of all . 

Bad Luck Charm Proof 2

Another event was when I went back to Penang, carpooling with another two friends of mine. My friend, A, drove all the way from Pekan, Pahang to my house to pick me up before we make way for Penang. As soon as he arrived at my house, the car's hood suddenly had smoke coming out of it before followed with the sound of a minor explosion while I was loading my luggages into the car.  

Bad Luck Charm Proof 3

It is inevitable in organisations that we make mistakes as an individual and an amateur at things. But when you keep mistakes and affecting the whole organization, YOU are the problem. And it doesn't matter if  you try to fix it yourself or if you ask others for help, in the end you'd still mess up and make everything much worse than it already is. 

And that was exactly what I did. 

Bad Luck Charm Proof 4

Half of my blood sisters are not in a very good state right now. A** being alone and no one to trust and rely on while she's studying alone at Winchester, A**a with her roommates turning their backs on her. Idk what's going on with H**** but I know she's not doing very well either. And the fact that I can't do anything to help. The fact that the only form of help I am able to offer is moral support. It makes me realize how I'm such a pathetic excuse for a human being. And this is all happening because they're getting the bad luck from me. They might not realize it and might even deny it but I see it as what it is. They're just too kind of human beings to say that I am the bad seed. 

These are just four of the many that has proved my position as a bad luck charm. To write all would mean writing a complete book. 

And you and I both know we don't need another bad luck book. 

It's Only The First Week.

Yes. 

Unfortunately. 

It's only been a week. 

And I think I'm just about done with everything, 

But I rather do this than work any day.

Honestly when you've worked while you're still studying, you kinda appreciate the fact that you're still doing your studies. It's so much simpler and easier.

Classes are alright so far but something tells me I have to really struggle this semester if I want to even dream on getting dean.

I finally got the chance to take a foreign language subject this sem. We'll see how I fair.

So far. The battlefield is still at peace. 

In the future.

I will own at least one of you. 

I Need Imagination

My mind's been dull for a few days now. Like something is just not functioning on the inside. And it's so weird cause I feel stupid and pathetic and empty. 

Or maybe that's what I've been this whole time. And i've just been imagining that I have imaginations. 

uh huh. 

Need.

Okaaaaay it's more like a want. 

No Headlights.

Ready?

In two days semester break will officially be over and for me it means goodbye P. Alam and lazy mornings and free breakfasts and random getaways; hello Penang, assignments, st. john, student obligations and expensive meals.

Honestly I don't think degree life is bad. But it is challenging and hard. Physically. Mentally. And the worse part is actually knowing it's not going to get any easier from here on out. 

My one and a half month semester break thankfully, has not gone to a complete waste. Though I really hated working, at least it kept me occupied and I was able to earn some money. I met up with my blood sisters atleast thrice? I think? I went to Melaka with my Meteoras for a short getaway. My childhood bestfriend got married and I was there to celebrate such a joyous event. I was able to patch things up with one my old friends, whom I had a bad ending with. Overall it's been a good sembreak and as much as I want to say I haven't been productive I can't. 

Because I have. 

New semester is starting. No I'm not anticipating it. at all. But I am excited to see what life drama and conflicts I'll be involved in this time. 

And honestly I really wanna see all my USM peeps again. it's been a while since my peace is bothered and I can't wait for those rascals to break it again. 

I can't wait to discuss serious kpop issues with Far and Auni again. 

I can't wait to tease Haz about everything in her life again. 

I can't wait to annoy the hell out of Shi Jin again lol

I can't wait to have coffee dates with Syud again. 

Honestly there's a lot I can't wait to do again. But still, it doesn't make me wanna enter the new semester any sooner. 

But these things do make up for it one way or another. 

Effort.

Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one giving it.

It will be this view again soon. 

Save me. 

Too Emotional

Okaaaay so I went a little over the board last night but who hasn't right?

Honestly it hasn't been long since I come to terms with the fact that I'm not good in controlling my emotions. I mean I knew I wasn't good in controlling but I never thought I was super terrible at it. 

If possible it's gotten even worse for the past few months. The more I try to suppress things the louder my emotions become and it's irritating. 

Bugh I need a time out from myself. 

Sometimes It's All About The Outer Beauty.

Often you hear people say beauty is more than just physical appearance. That personality and inner confidence are what matters most. And physical appearance has nothing to do when you talk about the true definition of beauty.

But how often do you hear these lines coming out from a person who is not physically attractive. 

If you ask about my own experience, 

Never. 

So though most of those closest to me preach about inner beauty and shits alike all the time, I never believed them. Not even for a second. 

And it may be what some people would deemed most important. It may offer more than any physical beauty can, this inner beauty thing. 

But I don't care. 

I never cared for personality or inner beauty.

I. Don't. Care. 

All I care about is being skinny and gorgeous. 

Give me that and I'll be more than satisfied for the rest of my life. 

Don't try to give me that "all size is beautiful" thing cos I'm not buying and I don't like it. 

If I want to be skinny. If I think skinny is pretty. Who gave you the right to tell me it's not? Who are you to force feed words into my mouth and make me think that all sizes are beautiful? 

You can't. 

Because you'd never understand. 

First In Line

So two days ago, on the 14th of February or as humans on earth know it, Valentines' Day, my childhood best friend, Nabihah, got married. 

I first met Nabihah when we were eight and we were put in the same class. And by fate I was seated next to her. And just like any other bestfriends we had our ups and downs as well and we didnt stay close for the rest of the our school years. There were times when we were close again and then there were times when both of us preferred other people's company. I had other best friends when I was 9. And another when I was 10. AND another when I was 11. We were close for a brief time when we both entered standard 6 just cause we were in the same class. But she changed to another class halfway through the year and we ended up distancing again. It's funny when I look back. Just cause we were both SO young and we were merely kids. 

But she was my first ever best friend. And that itself put her at a very special place in my memories and in my heart. 

We didn't keep in touch when high school started for the both of us as we went to different schools. But one fine day in 2010, I got a call from her. It was surprising. It was moving. And it felt great to know that she hasn't forgotten about me.  We called each other a few times after that before she flew to South Africa to further her studies. And that was the last time I heard from her. 

Untill a few weeks ago. 

I was woken up at 6 a.m in the morning by the endless notification ring on my phone and a text from Nabihah telling me that she's getting married in a few weeks time would have never been in any of my guess of who and what could be so important that someone needs to disturb my beauty sleep so early in the morning. 

D-Day came and I was the first among my childhood friends that arrived. Maybe it's because I haven't seen her in nine years. Maybe it's because I miss her and now I finally get to see her but in a wedding dress. idk what it is but as I was walking towards the tent she was under, I got so overwhelmed by everything that tears started to form on the corner of my eyes. And waterfalls were threatening to spill at any moment. Her sister greeted me first and ushered me to her. And when I saw her I couldn't help it. I broke down. Happy for her because she's getting married. But i was also bombarded with this unknown feeling of sadness, relief, joy, excitement, and a feeling of being so moved by the fact that we finally meet again. after nine years. Too much feelings at once and I just couldn't contain it. 

We couldn't talk until MUCH LATER ON. I mean she was the bride so yeah she was busy with greeting people and taking photos so we only got the chance to talk after everyone has gone back. 

And I found myself missing talking to her. Just sit down and talk you know. 

I also met many of my primary school friends whom I haven't seen in YEARS. Dalila, Victoria, Aerina, Emi Izzati lol it even felt a lil bit like a mini reunion cos we were all hugging and saying it's been soo long and how you been. I was just so happy that I got the chance to meet them and just catch up with what's happening with each other's lives. 

In the end though after everyone's gone back, the only ones left was me, victoria, aerina and Nabihah. We waited just cos we wanted some alone time with Nab. And it felt strange to me because all four of us had been best friends with another at one time or another. I was bestfriends with Nabihah first and Vicky became her best friend in standard 6 while I became bestfriends with Aerin at that time. And the Vicky, Aerin and I went to the same high school . Aerina and Vicky became best friends (and have stayed best friends since which I found amazing and awesome) while I hung with a different group of people. 

(LOL see how carelessly I use the word best friend here? It was so easy to call someone your best friend back then) 

And while all four of us sat there, in one of the rooms in the house after the wedding ended, talking about mindless things and updating each other on what's going with each other's lives. it felt as if we were 12 again. Just innocent girls going through steps in life one at a time. The only difference is the topic of our conversation. While homeworks, puppy loves and innocent friendships were our biggest worries when we were 12, driving, marriage life and future careers seemed to take over the conversations now and yet, it feels the same. like our conversations were just topics we've spoken over and over again except the language is different. 

Nabihah love, congratulations on your wedding.May you and your husband have a prosperous marriage. I'm confident you can overcome any challenges you will be faced with in the future.  Nine years was a long time and I hope that this isn't the last time we'd meet each other. I'm glad our friendship persevered after all these years and I'm hoping that in years to come it will only strengthen. 

Me, the bride Nabihah, and our primary school friend Dalila whom we were both close to once. 

Vicky, Aerina, Me and Nabihah. 

Speechless

Today was a special one.

Again too much feels. Too much happened.

But I'm too tired.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Why Are You Still Here

I keep telling myself that it's not always about me. I keep reminding myself that it's not always about what I want. What I need. What I feel. I keep telling my heart the world doesn't revolve around you. But the amount of  "I" I have used in this blog proved that I care nothing except my own well being. 

And it's disgusting.

I thought about all the conversations I had with the ones I deemed closest to me and it made me loath myself even more. All I ever talked about is myself. All that was ever in my mind was how terrible of a life I had. And it amazes me that my friends are still around. That they still put up with all the nonsense and baggage I have bought along with my damaged self. It's as if they don't see the dirt that I am, tainting their beautiful innocent hearts with my repulsive one. 

Forgive me. For I ended up talking about myself yet again. 

In My World...

I woke up from a bad dream. No matter how bad my dreams take form I would never say it's a nightmare. Nightmares are sweet tortures. They make you suffer but there's also a distinct pleasure despite the pain you're in and that makes them no different from normal dreams. 

Bad dreams on the other hand are just that. Dreams that are bad. Dreams that force you to find any possible way to wake up and escape. 

Bad dreams are dreams that let you know it's a dream and there is no way you're getting out of it. Regardless of it being unreal. 

For a whole five minutes I focus solely on trying to get my breathing to its normal rate again and wiped drops of sweat sticking to my forehead. Relief swept over me when I sense no movement from the body that was laying beside mine. It seems like my boyfriend wasn't affected by my sudden startled wake. It's a good thing he got back from work exhausted or he would've woken up by even the slightest sounds I make. The blanket engulfing my body suddenly felt like too much and I kicked it off of me before sitting up on the edge of the bed. It was the same bad dream again tonight and this time it got even further than usual. I don't know how much longer I can maintain control over it before ... 

I took a glance at my boyfriend. A smile crept its way to my face. He looked so peaceful. So calmed. I wish I had that. Sleep was suppose to give me that. 

Knowing I could no longer go back to sleep now, I got up and tiptoed across the room to the table with a jug of water and a drinking glass on it. I poured myself a drink and decided to roam the hallway instead of making unnecessary noises while I'm in the room. 

The hallway was empty unsurprisingly and almost all the bedroom doors were closed. Excluding Hoseok, Jimin and and Taehyung's room. Taehyung never closes their bedroom doors. It makes it easier for him to run to Jimin and Hoseok's room when he has nightmares at night. Sometimes they teased him about it. But I have Jungkook in my room every night. I have him to hold on to whenever bad dreams have a hold too strong on me. I have him to whisper "I have you. I have you"

The hallway were full with pictures of us. I stopped at one of my favourites. It was taken the day of Namjoon's wedding and Jungkook and I were slow dancing to a song in the middle of the dance floor. We looked real small in the picture but everything in it was blurred out except for us. For that small two figures dancing on the edge. His hands were circled around my waist and his eyes held no one but mine. Our heads were joint and my eyes were closed but the smile on my lips told him everything. How I was happy that my brother's finally getting married. How it could be us next dancing with me in a white dress and him in his black tux. 

The same familiar arms could be felt slithering around my waist and at a side glance I could see a whiff of black hair appearing. Jungkook let out a sigh and a breathy air tickled my neck. 

"I'm sorry babe did I wake you?" I pat his head that was buried on my neck.

"I reached out for you but it was empty. Come back to bed" His voice muffled on my skin.. 

"In a moment Jungkook. Why don't you go ahead an-"

"It's the bad dreams again isn't it." My whole body stiffen and I knew Jungkook caught on when the arms around my waist tighten. "I have you Min. Always had. Always have. Always will"

And I couldn't help it then. Screw control. 

I turned around and I clutched my body on to him as tight as I could. I wanted to get lost in his warmth, his scent, his presence. He was the only thing that has kept me sane and I'm trying as hard as I could to hold on to it. To hold on to that last piece of sanity I was given out of mercy from my demons. 

Tears were flooding down my face and I didn't even try to muffled the sobs that were coming out because I knew I was long gone. 

Atleast I have him. When everything's lost at least I'll still have him. 

In my world.

Atleast that's how I see it. At least that's how I wished it would be. 

But we live in reality now. And demons aren't merciful even  in the slightest. 

Let's Stay Silent

I could be harsh at times. I know that. But only because it's in my very

What A Sunday

Finally. 

It's time. 

I am about to tell the whole story. What went down on that fateful Sunday. Which was actually just... three days ago. -.-

So I went on a mini road trip to Melaka last weekend with Batrisyia, Shira, Shady, and Puteri. The main reason we went to Melaka was because Bat wanted to visit the cafe that her high school best friend, Diyanah is currently doing her practical at.The cafe's name is #LeQue and yes pronounced as LEKIU. I didn't know so I mispronounced it as in LEAK. Anyway so Diyanah was someone I knew Bat was very close to. Diyanah is to Bat what Blood Sisters is to me. I knew that and to finally meet her was a touching moment on its own. Since Bat is also a very important person to me it was great to meet people who are important to her. 

Bat didn't tell Diyanah that we were coming so it came as a complete surprise to her when we arrived at #LeQue. Short review of the food we had there, they were simply delicious. I tried their carbonara which tasted divine and their creme bulee is TO DIE FOR. So if you go to Melaka and looking for someplace new to eat #LeQue is quite a great place and MAKE SURE you try the creme bulee it's worth every penny. 

So yeah we met Diyanah and turned out Bat wasn't the only one with surprises. Diyanah dropped the news while she was sitting with all of us, waiting for our food to come. She's getting engaged! And of course we were ALL lost for words. I mean to me this is a priceless moment. Telling your best friend that you're getting engaged and possibly get married soon is a huge moment. And I was there to witness one happening right in front of my eyes. The look on Bat's face was just how I expected it. Speechless, shocked and just plain numb. For the first few seconds there wasn't even a hint of happiness or joy in Bat's face. It was just plain shock and disbelief. And really I can't blame her, her best friend, her other soul, long before meteoras came along, had just told her that she's going to get engaged which basically means I'm gonna be married soon.  Bat was trying to process everything that is happening before her and when everything had sunken in, that happiness and joy for her friend that I've been waiting finally showed on her face and it was just so amazing to see. Putting Bat aside we were all shocked too. I mean can you imagine meeting someone for the first time and they suddenly announced that they're getting hitched. 

So that was the first surprise of the day, 

#LeQue's interior to me honestly, is just very common. It looks like any typical indie hipster cafe and there was nothing particularly unique about the design. The walls were all painted blue. Too blue for me but that is not to say the cafe wasn't pretty. Just the same pretty you'd probably find in any hipster cafe tryna make it big these days. 

From left (front) : Batrisyia, Diyanah (with the glasses), Puteri (the pink tudung)

From Left (Back) : yours truly, Shira. Shady.

Some of the photos we managed to take at #LeQue in all the haste and unending chit-chats. It's a good place if you wanna take instagram-like photos and enjoy great food at the same time. Overall I give #LeQue a 8/10 and they should thank the creme bule for my generous rating ceeeeh. 

After filling our stomachs, we decided to stroll along Jonker Walk. We did come across that ice cream pasu bunga thing, quite a few times actually but we were too full to try any so yes I ended up going to Melaka without trying the pasu bunga ice cream though I didn't think it was a waste I didn't try. I mean it's just ice cream in a pasu bunga -,- . Anyway the girls wanted to try that coconut ice cream called sangkaya or something I forgot the name but I didn't take any cause I don't eat coconut. On our way back Shira bought this pink bag she had her eye on when we stumbled upon it on our way to the sangkaya place and she was debating whether she should buy it or not.

She did buy it. RM 60. I would've bought it if I had more than rm100 in my pocket but ah well.


Shady's mom wanted her to buy nyonya laksa before we make our way to her home and I ended up buying one myself despite my full tummy and let me tell you omg the nyonya laksa TASTED SOOOO GOOOOOOOOOD ughhhhhhhh.

Anyway the second surprise that day came when we finally got tired of walking and decided to walk back to the car to move to our next place of visit. We were almost reaching the car park when Bat got a call from Diyanah asking us to wait for her cos she wanted to join us. And I was thinking to myself, can she just get off work like that?

Here comes the second surprise of the day, well I can't tell you exactly what it is because it does involve people's personal matters that I know they rather not let people online know but let me just put it this way. If someone is taken. If someone is engaged and getting married. Then it's time for you as the other person to back off. To admit defeat and not force the person you love to still try and feel something for you. And if that person you happen to love is your colleague and she rejected you, please have a sense of professionalism as a working man. Never. EVER. mix your personal feelings with business or work. EVER. I'll stop here.

Anyway after what happen at her work place, Diyanah joined us for the rest of our melaka rendezvous, We went straight to Shady's house after that and I met with her mom and her little brother Ali. Got to chat with her mom while I was DEVOURING my nyonya laksa. Honestly I'm not really good in communicating with my friends' parents. I find them very intimidating and one wrong move from me could make them hate me forever. As I always do make the wrong moves and create misunderstandings, I always end up being extra quiet among friends' parents. But Shady's mom turned out to be a very relaxing person and it even took me by surprise when I easily opened up to her. Shady got dark chocolates from Kazakhstan which was just DIVINE.


Anyway while waiting for Asar prayers we all got to lepak at Shady's room and finally let Diyanah tell us her full story of what happened. Now comes the third surprise. Due to the recent conflict that occurred at Diyanah's workplace she was thinking of doing her practical somewhere else (Till this day idk if she decided to stay with LeQue or she had transferred to another place to do her practical in peace). The surprise this time came in the form of a text telling Diyanah that now she holds the executive position in making all the decisions regarding the cafe now. Out. of. the. blue. She's only been there a month. Anyway that is an entire problem in itself and I don't feel like I have the right to explain or elaborate this matter any further. I actually feel like I've told too much already.

We went to Klebang around six. Shady's lil bro tagged along. People who know me well know that I'm quite awkward around kids. And Ali was no exception. And the fact that he was one of those kids who isn't shy to strangers did not help either. I tried my best to at least respond when he speaks to me but it just made it clear that I need more practice. Though I was quite flattered when he said I was the most beautiful lady there among all the other ladies. And to be called most beautiful when gorgeous women like Shira and Bat are just beside you is just something. Ali is the first boy that I ever got a sincere compliment from. Like literally the first from his gender. So it felt nice.

We didn't take much pictures here as well. Lost track of time enjoying ourselves we forgot to capture moments. A shame really.

The fourth surprise came when we were all settled in at one of the food stalls for our dinner and this time the surprise was on me.

I decided to open SNS after a whole day of ignoring it because I was afraid something on it might just ruined my whole escapism mood today.

I should've waited a little longer.

I should've stick to my original instinct and open it when I'm at home and safe in the confine of my own room and I can cry and bawl my eyes out without needing to hold anything in.

I was scrolling lazily through my twitter when I came across the first photos of kris and luhan together at the event everyone was talking about. The event that possibly would reunite Luhan and Kris. And I just broke down right there. Crying my eyes out. I will blog about this one of these days because this news deserve a post of its own and this one has already gotten too long/

Anyway I was feeling soooo upset and confused and my emotions were at unstable rate again. I just need to make it stable again. I needed to do something that would distract me from my unexplained sad emotions. I needed something to make me happy. So I did the only thing I knew that could bring a little bit of happiness in my currently tired life. I quit my job.

Surprise number five.

It wasn't just a surprise to the rest of the girls, it was a shock to me too because I really thought I was gonna hold it out another week before I quit for good. But I just can't imagine myself dealing with the stress at work when all I could think about is how to calm myself and get back to my normal self for the next few weeks. So I quit.

And gawd it felt good,

Due to the overwhelming happiness I was feeling I was able to get my emotional state back to normal and put Diyanah's worry to rest lol. Cos she was so worried when she saw me broke down after I saw the news about Kris and Luhan.

What a Sunday everybody, what a Sunday. How I told it might not seem that dramatic as I have made it to be but trust me it was.