Over emotional.

Is what I've been feeling for the past few days and I hate it.

I know mostly it's just me feeling things that are not even there in the first place. And I wonder why do I do this to myself. Why I let myself be drowned in my own sick feelings. Even worse I won't let anyone pull me out because that would be too easy. Too wrong.

In the end, everybody has a person they can hold on to. To at least keep a finger on them so that they don't fall into the hands of insanity. I don't have one. I'm not sure I want one. And I'm still wondering why I'm not already falling into a madness.

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.

Maybe I'm living in it.

Abandoned. Be Abandoned. It makes no difference now and the only thing that matters is is there is going to be somebody opening the entrance open at the end of the cave.

I don't belong to anyone.

I'm used to it.

I've never been someone's. I've never been called "mine" by someone else. I've never been a bae.

Just cos I never really hold any valid significance in anybody's life. And that used to terrify me to no end. But I've gotten so used to it that it just feels weird for someone to actually want to make me his.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not smart.

I don't have any useful talent.

My personality sucks.

And I am a half eaten bread.


Still, I have the audacity to think someone would still find me worth taking . How shallow. How innocent. How naive.

After all you've done to yourself .

After all the damage I've done.


After all.

Relying on echoes.

Lately it's all I've been relying on.

Lately it's the only thing I am able to trust.

Your silent echoes are the only thing that keeps me sane. That keeps me above the water.

I hear your distant calling and I want nothing more than to run into your embrace.

But the fact of the matter is you're not here.


You will never be.


And the fact of the matter is.

You're not real

Been A While

Hard.

Letting go.

The most common advice given because it makes the most sense.

But when you're forced to do it for the third time. Can you do it?

F*cked up

I am.

I know.

I'm trying.

I know I always say that.

But there's nothing else for me to do really except to try and try again.

While my mom.

Normal people go to paris and collect postcards and all sorts of artsy fashionsy things.

My mom collects :

Free earphones and ponchos. 

She knows life's great neccesities 

Remind yourself

Video Assignment. 

Korean Culture poster.

Report PGT

Pertanding Pertolongan Cemas.

Min. 

You have a lot to do.

Please.

Remind yourself.

More.

More. 

I need more of this. 

A lot more. 

I need more time

Everytime we meet, 

Kinda feel like time is just green with envy, 

I'm Just Bad L-

No you're not min. Stop saying that. You're not bad luck.

So many people try to convince me that without even knowing the things that hit me ever since I was young. I'm not even asking them to pity me cos I go through shitty things all the time. Cos I know there are people who go through shittier things than me and don't even complain and come out glorious. I just need you to understand that being me means being bad luck and I would bring no benefit for you except bad luck. I am just waiting for everybody to realize that because once they do they can finally say,

"yeah. you are bad luck. Stop f*cking my life over" and I can atleast feel good that one life is saved from more bad things than they already have.

Maintain is goal

Cos I can't control my weight.

It goes up really quickly.

It goes down just as fast.

And it's frustrating cos it's tiring for the body. It's tiring for my mental health. It's tiring for me to figure out what stage I am in my diet and of course, it obviously shows, I'm doing it wrong.

I have never hated myself more.

And I'm still trying to figure out how majority of people can love themselves. For real how do you do that

can i say

you look absolutely divine today

Me.

dead.

Thank you.

Because one day they will say goodbye

One day everybody will.

When they find out what's wrong with me.

When they find out who I really am.

When they find out what I've become.

But until that day comes, let me just hold on to insanity for a little longer.

Before I eventually have to let the rope go.

Before they eventually see the monster that I am.

And then I woke up.

truthfully, I slept a lot today. 

Like a lot. 

And yes I still have a lot of things that needed done before Monday arrives. But my roommate wasn't around and I just felt so free after completing my cs6 that I decided to sleep. 

A lot. 

The one thing I love about sleep is that I tend to dream quite often. And while most people said that they don't even remember half the dreams that that dreamed about after they woke up, I tend to remember most of mine. 

For instance today, as I mentioned earlier I slept a lot today so I had more than one dream and both of these dreams I remember clearly till now. 

The first one felt like a movie where there is a beginning and end. Literally. 

It starts with my family moving in to a new house. It's been a while now but I'm staying in one of the upstairs bedroom. I don't exactly know why but my original bedroom which is downstairs is not to be used in the mean time. I was having some friends over for some kind of celebration but  I don't exactly know what we were celebrating. We were talking in my room when they started pestering me about my old room. requesting to see it. They knew that my room is always a mess, which makes them more curious of how my old room look like. I kept refusing at first because I KNOW how messy it is but I caved. I went down first just to see how messy it was but when I opened it was spotlessly clean. 

I knew my mom had cleaned the room and I was furious. I hate it when someone other than myself clean MY room honestly I hate it so much. I yelled for my mom and when she found me in the room i started shouting at her, furious at what she's done before stomping upstairs. My friends didn't hear the shouting so they were still hoping they could see the room. I sigh thinking what the hell the room is clean anyway. 

When we went into my room though, my dad suddenly brought in the dining table and then suddenly all the guests started pouring in and we ended up having dinner in my old bedroom/

which is weird i know. 

we were eating when we suddenly heard like an explosion outside the house and i caught a glimpse of two policemen. there was no way they're coming to get me are they? I don know how but in the dream i knew that i was arrested once for drug possession. 

but they did walk to our house, walk into my old bedroom and handcuffed me saying that they found the package that i had in my bag while going through security airport earlier in the day had traces of drug. I was half crying and half screaming claiming my innoncence and apologizing to my mom for yelling at her when i was dragged out. at one point i kinda thought it was punishment for being mean to my mom. 

we were walking under a huge tent that was holding some kind of event i believe because there was so many people there. but just as we were to get at the end of the tent somebody stop the police, a friend of mine i suppose, shouting to prove my innocence. the police wouldnt believe her and killed her by throwing a blade that cuts off her head. 

They were on to me next so I pick the person in front of me and try to block their blades from hitting me. it hit the man instead. and at that moment i cant believe i just killed an innocent man in exchange for my life. The man was dead so i had to put him away but when i looked up front the police were still hot on my heels and i saw the blade flying towards me, i was waiting for the slice on my head but it never came. someone had gone infront of me and hit him instead. i opened my eyes

and it was voldemort, 

i know. 

weird. 

the last thing he said to me before he died was "atleast i got to do something good with my life" another blade was thrown and it sliced my hand. 

But before anything else could happen I was already in a different setting. it felt like it's been several years since that incident happen and i was walking in the mall with a friend. she said she wanted to go to the restroom so i waited for her outside. 

she was taking too long so i went inside to check on her. one of the cube doors were thrown open and my friend came flying out all bloody and dead. i looked inside the cube and saw him. 

voldemort evil-er version 2.0

and then I woke up. -,-

Impending darkness.

I try to stay upright.

I try to hold still.

I try to stay insane. 

But I'm known to be too weak to hold on for too long. 

I made myself weak. 

And I'm paying the price. 

Maybe next time?

It doesn't look like it right now but I have a lot of work that needs to be done and be submitted. 

And I have next to nil motivation to do any of it. Which is probably the case almost every semester. unlike all of my other coursemates I don't have a 3.5 cgpa and so I either have to pick up the slack or be in danger of getting left behind. all alone. 

That thought alone terrifies me. 

Talking about workload and assignment burdens, it has also become the cause for me not being able to go back home at all until this semester ends, seeing as how we do not have semester break as well. Which sucks real bad cos Ama is coming back from UK in a few days and blood sisters are planning to meet up next weekend. Alea is having it rough this past few months. Hajar is having a tough time adjusting to degree life in Seremban. And Ama is coming back. It's the perfect time to gather actually, and rant about everything that is wrong in each of our lives. 

But alas, USM has a knack for keeping me here as long as she can. Now going as far as destroying every chance I might have to go back and meet my blood sisters. 

Honestly though I have never gone through a sem where I don't go back home and meet blood sisters. It's what keeps me going for the rest of the sem. Going back and meeting them is like rehabilitation. You refresh your memory. rejuvenate your mind. before you need to go to back to war and survive because there are people rooting for you to get out alive. 

And the fact that I am not going to see them at all until the semester finishes. It's kind of a new challenge for me. 

Though I have to say it's not as bad here as it used to be. I used to be a zombie. Going out of my mind just because I realize I have another 3 years here. Now though it's getting better. I'm adjusting and USM doesn't seem so bad anymore. Plus the fact that this is going be the last semester for St. John activities helps IMMENSELY. 

And also I have a few friends here that keeps me sane from day to day thank god. 

Actually they keep me more than sane. And for once I realize why I never regretted coming to USM. I wouldn't have met them if I had decided UM and that would be a waste of great friends I never got the chance to know and cherish(eww)

Honestly though, thanks for being here. in USM. with me. You're going to have a lot of bad luck so tell me when you're done. But in the mean time.

Thank you. 

I am not fooled by April

No I am not.

First off Happy April Fools day everybody. Seems like this year all the fansites are going crazy over april's special day as well. I saw a rapmon fansite become bobby's. One of minseok's become the manager's. lol that one was funny.

Anyway the first day of April brought challenges of themselves. For one thing I was suppose to have the meal of a lifetime today after a while. But due to unavoidable circumstances it was postponed. Really like someone did an april fools on me when it had nothing to do with april fools in the first day. ironic really.

And the GST thing starts today which is also ironic because everyone's been dreading it and it just has to start on the first of April. Feel like the government just wants to play with people's feelings like "oh why not we start on April Fool's day? HAHAHAHHAHA. ISN"T THAT FUNNY"

haha.

It's also the second day Jae's in the army. I wonder if he's doing fine. I worry for him a lot really. especially after knowing what division he was assigned to.

haih.

what a fool. I am.