Not so sweet nineteen. Or maybe it was sweet.

Finally, I'm back home for sem break and I have never felt so relieved yet anxious at the same time. I'm not expecting myself to do anything productive when I reach home cos, well, that's exactly what sem break is all about. Being as useless/lifeless as you can because once you get back in the game, there's no such thing as a day off anymore.

You know I've been meaning to update this blog for a very very very, immensely, long time. There were so many things I needed to share but I got caught up in my own feelings of distraught and unhappiness that I can't be bothered with anything else once I reach my room. But I knew I gotta update it sooner or later. Not because I think I have millions of readers no definitely not that. It's more of a self-satisfaction kinda thing. I haven't written anything only for sheer pleasure in a very long time that I got scared I might lose my writing skills altogether. Not that I have a lot to begin with but hey, at least I need to maintain what I can right?

This will be my first post of #whathappenduringthose7monthshiatus

Sooo. Here's the hard part. Where. do I begin?

Birthday Celebrations.

Ok well that was easy.

My nineteenth birthday. The suitable word to describe it would be doubleueeaiardi. weird. It was just weird and just ... ....  the whole birthday thing felt very awkward to me. I wasn't really looking forward to it since turning nineteen means I have one final year before I turn the big 2.0 and that means I only have a year left to complete my "things to do before I turn 20" list. Out of the nineteen things I listed I only managed to crossed out one. And it wasn't even how I wanted it to be but hey, it happened and  at least I got to cross out one. :)

Anyway all I can say it wasn't such a sweet nineteen but I had expected it anyway. The week before, there was just something in my guts that made me feel uneasy about my upcoming birthday. It just didn't feel like I should be anticipating. This is the first bday that I did not feel like celebrating. Seriously. And I'm  pretty sure it wouldn't be the last. Cos well, there's my 30th, 40th. InsyaAllah assuming I get to reach that age. I don't think I'd be anticipating those birthdays either.

I guess part of the reason is because I'm reaching the end of my teenage years and still, I can't find directions or paths that I want to take for the next part of my life. Others are already figuring out what they want to do and what they should do and the possibilities and opportunities they should take along the way. Granted they may not see everything through and through yet but they're getting there. And me. Well.

I'm still stuck at trying to accept that I'm living in this place called reality.

I was so scared of turning nineteen cos I started to realize how old I am. I can't ignore reality anymore and hide in my escapism. I need to wake up now. It sucks.

So yeah if you ask me how my birthday celebration was last year, I would probably say "It was fine" which translates to "It (insert some really bad words here) sucked"

But I wouldn't say it totally sucked. Thanks to a few people that made an effort for it not to.

Thank you to TESL D for wearing our class t-shirt.

Thank you to Haz, Ismah and Eva for that birthday surprise.

Thank you Farzana for the awesome wolf shirt.

Thank you Nuna for coming to Penang and gave me one of the best birthday gifts anyone has ever given me in my nineteen years of miserable life.

Thank you Bat for making that wonderful rainbow cake with my favourite korean male celebrities' bob heads. Truly, I am so touched by the effort and no words can express how grateful I am to have someone like you in my life.

In a way, though my birthday kinda sucked, these people actually made me want to remember this one because of the awesome things they've done for me. Ah crap.

After a 7 months hiatus.

So. 

It's been a long hiatus hasn't it. I don't wanna say the usual trust-me-i've-been-meaning-to-update-my-blog-for-so-long-but-got-held-up-by-life-and-stuffs thing cos I always do whenever I go on without blogging for more than a month or two. Because this time, I  really don't have an excuse. I didn't even bother to come up with one to justify-at least myself if not for anybody else- why I've been on such a long hiatus.

I had plenty of time to write and plenty of things to tell too. Thing is, there are so many things that I need to tell that I ended up not knowing where to begin. And then I started to wonder whether anyone out there could have enough interest in me to read about my daily rants. I mean does this blog even have readers? And you know, when you think too much it kinda gives you a whole new perspective on what you should and shouldn't do ergo procrastination. I decided a few days ago I can't hold it off any longer and that I need to wipe these dusty shelves of drafts. That I need to remind myself the original motive behind this blog. and soooo here I am.

The last time I updated my blog was a few days before my birthday so this officially makes it the longest hiatus I ever had. 7 months. Whoa. Never thought I could stop writing that long. I've always been quite obsessed with pouring my feelings out on my blog considering no one ever actually reads it. I think.

Ok so now the hardest part. Deciding where to begin. Thought of just jumping in but I don't even know how to do that. It kinda feels like you're going to start cleaning your room which has now taken the splitting image of an aftermath of a nuclear bomb explosion, but you don't know where to begin. Do you start with the pile of clothes on your bed, or do you start with the cluster of shoes right beside your wardrobe. Or maybe take care of the jumble of books and papers and files on your desk? And ughh, don't even start on the makeup table it is horrendous.  =.=.

While I was trying to find ideas on what to write for the blog this time, I couldn't help but go down memory lane and look at some of the previous blog posts I have posted and whoaaaaaa, I always thought my grammar was impeccable. Man I was wrong. There were so many grammar mistakes my eyes couldn't help but twinge at some of it like how could I have possibly done that kind of mistake? And I have the nerve to call myself a grammar nazi? Shame on you min shame on you. And I haven't even mentioned the redundant sentences, poor use of vocabs and obnoxiously conceited, cheesy ending lines oh god. I mean I knew my english wasn't great but I didn't think it was THAT bad. Hmmph. Apparently it was. I bet there're so many in this one too I just haven't realized it yet. I bet my 30-year old self would though. Assuming I still use this blog 10 years from now.

And there you go, before you know it I have already blogged about my seven months hiatus. Not knowing what to write can be idea generators sometimes.

I still have a lot to say and a lot more to complain(like a lot) and a lot more questions that I need the readers to answer and give their opinion on but that would  take time since I need to organize my thoughts before anything else. But we have time.

Till next time then?