What have YOU done for the first month of 2015?

Honestly I can't say I wasted away my first month of the new year. In fact I think I did a lot for someone whose middle name is procrastination. I work, earn some money. Blog everyday without fail. Catch up with ma peeps. 

So all in all My january's been... 

Alright. 

And that's surprising considering I was expecting events or occurrences of great calamity. 

But all I got during in January was good food. good money. and sometimes great Sundays. 

Something bad is lurking I just know it but I ain't gon dwell on it till it happens. 

For my final day in this so weirdly good January, I got a chance to go eat at Murni. A place a few of my friends have recommended a couple of times. The food's good. The proportion is humongous so for big eaters it's definitely a place to check out. They have everything there you kinda get dizzy eyed just looking at the menu cos you feel like you wanna try everything but can't so you have a really hard time picking only ONE. and the drinks are good too. I ordered fruit cocktail and actually like it for once. 

Ceh tetiba bagi mini review of murni. 

But all in all January's been ok for me. 

Now let's see what February would have in store. 

Overweight.

Yes I am. I really am. 

Despite people telling me that I'm not actually fat cos I don't look that way to them. I am actually overweight. BMI says so. 

See I know that I'm not actually that fat. And I know I don't look that fat either. But even so I'm still overweight and it gets me wondering how thin I would look when I get my normal BMI. The thought alone was enough to fuel enough energy in me to continue on with my diet I've been no-so-diligently following for the past year.

I have to say though I'm currently having an unfathomable hunger to become thin. Some people give words of supports and encouragement. Some laugh. Some are just a little too outraged that I'm not proud of curves. Though I have to say that last one is kinda irrelevant. I mean just because you're thin it doesn't mean you can't have curves aite. 

True I've gotten a lot slimmer now than when I was back in Kuantan though I really have to thank USM for this. They gave me the highest and furthest college in the campus so most of the time, since the bus is either too late or just absent without reason, I have to walk a lot just to get my daily business done on time. But it's not enough. 

I need to be thinner. 

Slimmer. 

Healthier. 

The only thing standing between me and thin is this question. 

How badly do I want it? 

Inevitably Unpredictable Future.

So I was watching the move Click the other day, the one where Adam Sandler had a chance to see what his life would be like if he decided to continue with the path he chose right now and then relive it all again so that he can make everything all better.

Now there's a part that I'd like to highlight from the movie. It was the part where the remote had went on auto and it skipped to the really distant future. It had skipped to the year 2017 and there was this scene where Adam Sandler was driving up to his old house and the news that was on his car's radio could be heard. The news went a little something like this.

"It's almost the end of the year 2017. Britney Spears gave birth to her 23rd baby and Kevin Federline has finally considered getting a job."

We're currently in the year 2015. Britney still have only two sons and she's doing so great with both her career and personal life. And no one's heard from Kevin Federline for so long (well in Malaysia that is. haven't heard from him since his divorce from Britney.)

Point here is now matter how many times we predict the future it'll always be as unpredictable as though we haven't thought about it all. Hence the quote, we can only plan, the rest is up to Him.

And it's funny if you think about it, if we hear that line in the movie on the year it came out we would probably laugh and think it might actually just happen. But you watch it now and you realize just how impossible all of that is.

Azalea and I are probably one of the biggest example of that. We were arch enemies back in high school. And I never thought in a MILLION YEARS we'd be best friends. That she'd be one of those people who I know would support me no matter what. Because back then it just seemed impossible. Like I just can never see it happen and for a while I even told myself that I'd never let myself get close and be friends with her, I will not let it happen. But see? Unpredictable future.

And since then I've always been thinking how my future would mold. And it got me to stop SEEING or IMAGINING how it would look like. I can't even visualize anything anymore due to the inevitably unpredictable. At times it gives jitters all over my body, at times it gives me goosebumps. Things might turn out for the worst, which is what I have always expected, I just don't know what form it would take. Or things might turn out good in totally most unexpected ways. All I know now is that it's coming. Whatever's coming with it is ineluctable.

And I won't be prepared for it.


Exciting in its horrificness.

...

Will ever be forgiven?

more than that.

Will ever not repeat it again?

I get it.

I'm trash. And you're the gem the world is dying to preserve and please.

Doesn't mean you have to throw it in my face.

Happy 30th Birthday Kim Jaejoong. Sincerely, Min

Yup. 

It's this pak cik's 30th birthday. Gosh he grows old fast. Just when I thought I finally caught up to his age. =.="

So as you all might have already guessed. Today, the 26th of January marks the 30th year a man named Kim Jaejoong roam the earth and being the devoted and responsible fangirl that I am, I will  of course dedicate a birthday post for this man (seeing as this is the only birthday gift I could give and actually afford). A man I've been inevitably in love with for the past 8/9 years. 

Jaejoong. 

Haih where do I start with this man of so many quirks and flaws. 

People always asked my why I am so in love with him. Why I'm a fan of such man. And I always get silent because honestly, 

where do I even begin? 

1. I love how unbelievably sickly pale your skin is yet it works on you. I have always been a fan of men with darker skin. But you made yourself an exception. I love those lusciously natural looking lips of yours. And I love those big eyes that seemed to melt me everytime though it's been nine effing years. I love that time has no effect on you and you still look as beautiful as you were nine years ago. 

2. I love that playfulness you have in your eyes once you're off stage and off your cold-rocker-guy image you usually have on stage. I love seeing it. Because it gives me the comfort that you're the same Jaejoong I know no matter how many years have gone by. Because it shows that you're not consumed by life's torturous waves. Because it shows that you haven't been drowned by darkness that life may have inflict upon you throughout your harsh idol life. 

And of course there's THAT. Your weird fetish of dressing up like girls and looking prettier than half of the girls in the continent. Acting shy as if You actually hate dressing up as a girl. Pfft please Jae I know you too well not to know when you're doing self-denying. But I love it all the same. I accept every part of you and no matter how quirky some of your sides may be I still find it in me to love each and every single one of it because it makes you YOU. And it's been with you since before I knew you anyway. Because it's what makes me feel like there's still so much interesting stuff to know about you and there's still so many things about you I have yet to understand. And a man who can keep me intrigued for a quite fair amount of time is definitely a keeper. 

3. Gosh the way you look when you're working. It gets me everytime. Honestly you're attractive regardless the time and day. But the image of you when you're working is just so breathtaking. The way you're poured over those music sheets, holding a pencil in one hand. Your face, quite expressionless yet I've never seen it filled with so much emotions and feeling. Your lips moving, mumbling words silently to yourself, trying to see if the words would sound right as a lyric. Your hair falling over your eyes, successfully covering half of it yet still unable to hide the concentration you have in them. Showing that you're seeing nothing but words and rhythm splayed out all over the papers in front of you. How can anyone not fall for such a  beautiful view. 

4. The emotion and effort you put in your singing. If the image of you working is breathtakingly beautiful, then the way you look when you're singing is just surreally bewitching. Those intense eyes penetrating to my very broken soul like no one has ever. It doesn't matter that I don't understand what you're singing about half of the time. Music is a universal language and the fact that you were able to make me feel things I never thought I could just by singing and interpreting the song so damn well without the need for me to look at translations. For making me feel what you feel. Now that's a talent that is gifted ever so rarely. A gift where you literally communicate through the language of music. When you hit the high notes so effortlessly and still able to maintain the consistent emotion that needs to be brought out from the song. I wonder how can anyone ever question my love for you. Can they not see it. Can they not see what I am observing. admiring. falling in.

5. Your dark rocker side. The part of you that I most connect with. The part of you that finally made me go "See I knew you were my type". The part of you that I feel most in sync with me. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I've always enjoyed wrecked sorrowful souls and you. When you're in your dark rocker mode, it just made me even more sure that I made the right choice loving you. That I fell in love with the right person and that I have always known deep inside something strong connects me to you. 

6. Haih. Your worst habit. Honestly I had such a hard time accepting the fact that you're a smoker and I can only thank merlin for not making you a chain one. I even went through a phase of doubting my love for you. Because back then I hated smokers, not that I like them now but I don't hate them. I never loved the fact that you smoke and I don't think I ever will. But I love the fact that it reminds me that you're just human too. A human with flaws, A human with bad habits. And that only makes me fall for you even more. 

7. Your tattoos.  You have lots of em. And I'm pretty sure you'll be adding more in the future. But the one I love the most will always be you TVXQ tattoo. and the names of all the members. To have their names and the name TVXQ forever ingrained on your skin shows your undying love for them. Shows that you want them in your life permanently. It shows that when you love, you love deeply. And you never let go. Even during JYJ concerts when you sing the old TVXQ songs, and you'll start crying, they're tattoos as well. Memory tattoos. Uninked but forever there. Just like my love for you.

The next two would be the two major reasons why this man is so hard for me not to love. Not to give my everything to.  

8. Yes I love you for all your personality and characters including all physical and emotional attributions. But one of the biggest reasons why I love you, why I admire you, why I fell for you in the first place even, lies in the friendship or rather, the brotherhood you've built with the four other men. Yunho. Yoochun. Junsu. And Changmin. I wasn't one to believe in everlasting friendship or even love for that matter. I never thought love such as what you guys were able to portray exist. I never believed that you could love another soul more than you love yourself. And you, all of you proved me wrong. The bond you have between the five of you is so beautiful I've never seen such intense love for one another. Even when you split up, I always knew that you guys still love and care for each other deeply. Because you're brothers. Because you've gone through so much together and grow up to be the men you all are today together, that it's impossible for you not to love each other so easily. It's been years since the lawsuit, since all the tears I've shed, since all the heartbreak I felt almost everyday, but I have never lose faith in your friendship. I have never, and will never lose faith in seeing all five of you reunite again. Because your bond is that strong. You are bound to meet each other again. I've waited patiently for six years, what's another six more kan?

Always Keep The Faith. 

9. The way you know your fans just as good as we know you. When this article came out and I read what you wrote about us I couldn't help but tear down. Because it felt like you actually find the time to find out what we feel about you. How can I not fall for you? How can I not be in love with someone whose sacrificial values are only set for his beloved fans. Who cares so much for the people that's been supporting him for so long that if he were to compromise it would only be for them?Through thick and thin we've been there for you and you've been there for just by preserving, by pushing yourself forward, by marching forward bravely and I would ask for nothing more than your happiness and well being. 

Kim Jaejoong. If anyone ever ask me why do I love you I know exactly what to answer now. And that would be "just because". I could write a list of reasons but at the end of the day I know I love you just because. People always tell me that love doesn't need a reason. Love doesn't need justifications. And while writing this post I finally understand what it means now.

Jae happy 30th. I think I have expressed enough of my love for you. I've never regretted becoming your fan, if anything I'm proud beyond compare. You've always tried your hardest to be your best, to connect with your fans, to protect your bond with the other four and I can't imagine myself being an ultimate fan of another. I love you.

It's been a while.

So far it's been a good Sunday. In fact I can't remember the last time I had such a good Sunday. 

Woke up with the weather not being too hot and sunny thankfully. It's been too hot for my liking for the past couple of days. I had churros for breakfast, which I just realized could be listed in one of my all time favourite foods. Spaghetti for lunch. I managed to finish three of the many hundred fanfictions I've got opened up in chrome. And I even managed to fold half of my still-unpacked clothes from Penang. 

What's even more of a miracle, I got to catch up with some of my favourite shows on telly; something I haven't been able to do no matter how many times I get back home(which is also a rarity so it can't really be count as a valid excuse) . I watched an episode of Kpop Star Season 4. A show I diligently followed during season 1 and had been meaning to keep on following but degree happened so I haven't been able to follow since the start of the second season. And I'm the type that once I'm not able to follow I kinda stop watching it altogether, hoping to catch up with it someday when I have time from where I've left off. But today the show just happened to be on while I was browsing through the channels and it reminded me why I loved the show so much. I mean it did produce some of the best rookie talents we have today during season 1. Lee Ha Yi, Baek Ah Yeon, Park Jimin and Lee Seunghoon just to name a few. Superman Returns and Music Bank are some of the tv programmes that I got to catch up to as well. I dare say I achieved quite a bit today. 

A relaxed day without any concerns or issues to worry about is a rarity in my daily life. A day where I am not emotionally drained, confused, or tired is so rare that when such day comes, it's the the only thing I think about throughout the day. Anticipating even, that something would knock at my door of serenity and make me say, I knew this day was too good to be true. Too good. 

To my disbelief, nothing did knock. Day turns to night and my day went on without a single hitch. Honestly it scares me because it makes me let my guard down and that's never a good thing. It scares me of what's waiting for me the next day because a thunderstorm usually occurs the day after. But that would be tomorrow's page huh? A story to be told on another day, another night. 

The M Word.

It's the other M word. 

Mother. 

Since I started working, my surrounding peers only consist of mothers. Even my two colleagues, who seemed young enough to just be normal students looking for a little bit of income just like me are married. 

And ALL they ever talk about are their kids. Like  24/7. It's like they wanna share every single detail of their kids' life to their friends. All the little slip ups and accomplishments. Even what they eat and how they woke up. Just everything lah. And me being the only person with no child to brag about (or a boyfriend, let alone a husband for that matter), well you know it can get a little frustrating. 

Well first there's that. The frustrating part cause work can be tiring at times and sometimes the only way to endure it all a little better is to have a friend or a colleague that you can talk mindless stuff about. Just so that the days can feel a little shorter and a little burdensome. So I ended up not talking at all during work hours, only opening my mouth when it's necessary to say something which got me to do a lot of thinking and a lot of depressing. I realize I do that when I don't talk for a long time. Get more depressed that I already am. 

And then comes the other part. I mentioned nano seconds ago that while those annoying conversations about their kids got me to shut up most of the time, I also ended up doing a lot of thinking. About being a mother. Becoming one. True I'm only 21 (ONLY though?) and most people would say I still have a long way to go before I'll become a parent but is it though. Just a few years ago I was living life and content with the fact that I just turned 18. Young and free. The word reckless resonating with the age 18. 

In 10 blinks, I'm already in the year I'll turn 21 and force to think of responsibilities I'll be carrying and the consequences of each decisions I take. So I don't think I'm far off the year where I have to concern myself with being a mother.  To say I'm terrified would be an understatement and to say I want to be a mother would be a lie. Because if I'm being truly honest with myself here, I don't want to. I don't even see myself being someone who can take care of another soul. Let alone a little fragile one. I can barely even take care of myself. And the more I hear them talking about their kids, the more I watch reality shows with mothers doting on their children no matter how much hardships they're going through, It kinda brings confirmation to my mind that I am not cut out for this. Of course if mothers read this they'd smile knowingly and think "You're still young child. You won't know what you're capable of till you become one. You'll surprise yourself even. I mean look at me-" and they'll go on and on and on. 

I'll give them credit though cos they are strong enough to be moms but that doesn't mean everyone is cut out for such a heavy responsibility. And if my religion hasn't told me the wonders of being a mother I probably wouldn't consider becoming one at all. I mean I know it's not all bad and if my observations are correct, mothers everywhere would probably say their children is probably the best thing that has ever happened in their life.The best gift bestowed upon them. 

But the thought of the things, hours and pleasures you have to sacrifice in order for the child to grow up well; I mean first of all I don't even have any pleasures to sacrifice, I can barely think and decide for myself and I am still very uncertain about my future. Like I-Could-Be-Homeless uncertain. And yes I'm only twenty one, I know I know I know. But I won't be able to say the same thing five years from now and I'm still in the state I am right now can I?

Because you see, my life has a habit of standing still for a very, very long time.

And we haven't even gotten to the part of the husband yet! Like how I'll probably never find one, possible ever because I'm just that messed up. Add that to a non-pretty face and you got yourself a female who has the possibility of being single for the rest of her life so don't concern yourself with having a child Shamin Insyirah you probably won't even find a male that likes you romantically.

Like ever. 

Blank.

I have a lot of stuff to write actually. Things that I've drafted in my mind for blogging. But when the time comes for me to sit down and start typing down, it just wouldn't come. My fingers would freeze on the keyboard and my mind would stand still. All the things I thought of writing and posting earlier in the day forgotten, 

And that's exactly how it is today. 

Everyone But Me

It sucks. 

To be the only one among your circles of friends that hasn't traveled anywhere for pure bliss. For pure personal enjoyment. 

Ok. So I stayed on this page for 15 minutes and just stared at the blank post, wondering how I'm going to write out the next sentence. I was thinking about writing how it sucks to be me cause I've never had the chance to go on a vacation but I suddenly had this realization that it isn't always about me. Also which tells me I should change the title of this post so as not to sound so self-absorbed but I find it so fitting in an ironic and not-so-ironic-actually way but I'll talk all about that self realization at the end of the post. I should write about what I wanted to in the first place shan't I. 

See, I went back from work today with a calmed feeling in my heart. Work was ok except for the rushed morning which is basically how it is every morning. And I even brought myself three very delicious mini pavlovas and an egg tart and I had nasi kukus for lunch so all's good in Shamin Insyirah's daily mundane life. 

But I got home and I slept due to fatigue and when I woke up, I found whatsapps by my meteoras and not horny sluts and it was at that moment I realize that I've never actually been on a trip. or a vacation. among all my closest friends. 

And tonight. 

I don't know why of all night. 

It upsets me so bad I cried. 

The more I put my thoughts on it, the more tears came spilling out. And I know it seems like a stupid reason to cry about but when you become the only person who's been stuck on a mindless same routine for such a long time, it just feels. 

that. 

Like you're stuck. Everyone's been on escapism but you. 

Nothing. 

Among my blood sisters, Alea went to Paris. Ama is studying in UK and went to vacay at Krabi during her semester break. Ammera went to China I think? And Hajar studied in Sarawak so she's visited lots of places that differs so much from home. 

Among my meteoras, Bat went to Jakarta last year, Jibs went to Johor a couple of times to meet up with her high school friends, Haz went to Langkawi and Pangkor with her navy friends, And Shady went to Kazakhstan and got the best time of her life. 

With Not Horny Sluts, Well, Hakim is going to Sabah Mid-Feb. And Nuna's going to Korea again in April. Farzana went to Sarawak this past week. 

My mother and my sister are going to paris and venice sometime in April. And if you're wondering why I'm not going it's because I don't have the money. My mom is going on all expense-paid trip cos she's presenting her PhD thesis there and my sister has jpa so obviously she has the money.

And then there's me. 

At some point you just get frustrated. And my frustration is equivalent to a small girl in a small town who has no way out of it or has been waiting too long to just get out of town for a couple of weeks.

And the worst part of it all is that I'm upset with myself. Upset that I hadn't exactly been saving from all the jobs I've done over the years. Upset that I was reckless back then. Upset that I envy my sister because she's had jpa scholarship her whole college life and has never had to work just to earn a lil bit money while I have to work my ass of everytime sem break rolls around just earn some. And it's not like I have scholarship for my studies either. I'm upset. Really really upset. 

Devastated in fact. 

And like always, I know this is such a petty thing to be complaining about and I'm trying not to. But then I thought better blog cos no one's ever going to care rather than telling people and annoy the hell out of them. Might as well let it all out kan? 

I'm uncertain about my future. In fact I don't see it so bright anymore. 

I'm not pretty enough to attract anyone.

I don't have a boyfriend. 

In fact I might not even get married. 

And I absolutely do not have anything going on for me right now. 

And to top all that off, I don't even have the chance to go on a freaking vacation that I WANT. 

Then again it's not always about me is it? And I've been trying to remember that. Trying not to wallow in self-pity. Yeah I haven't been on a vacation but I've had a good life kan? Compared to other who's having it worse than me? 

I'm sorry again. To think that it's always about me. I get emo on a daily basis so I can't help but whine a little too much. I only kept thinking of my bad fortunes I forget to be grateful at times. 

I am trying though. I do hope that counts for something at least? 

Losing everything but

Weight.

Even Better.

Last time I mentioned how good fridays were because I could see men in Baju Melayu.

But hell.

Mondays are even better.

Suits. Suits everywhere.


But of course. No one can beat this man right here. Permanent of resident of my heart for nearly nine years.

Hellooo hotness. 

Sure you're turning 30 this year?

Discontinued Stories.

So I was cleaning out my room yesterday( Which I would write a full blogpost on cos believe me you're gonna wanna hear what I've found and what I've done) and I found an old book with all my stories I've written and discontinued. 

And well, I mean I knew my English wasn't exactly the best back then but I didn't think it was that bad. 

Apparently it was. 

Hm. 

When I did a read through of all the stories I've written and cringe at the bad choices of words and the bad writing in general, I realize how arrogant I was back then to think that what I wrote was good enough to be published as a book (If I ever did finish it back then) and become a best seller. 

Well it was either arrogance or adolescent's naivety. One thing for sure I would have embarrassed myself if I ever did bring my work to any publishing house at that time. It was just that bad. 

I was beyond embarrassed over what I wrote and how I've written it, but I never thought the idea or the plot line I have for my stories were bad. And I even dared to think, right at this moment, if I just polish my writing skills I could actually enhance and expand the concepts even further. When I look back at all the stories I was intrigued to know what happens next despite the tacky and oh-so-obvious-written-by-a-teenager paragraphs.

All of this made me realize a thing about talent and hard work. That they work side by side and sometimes talent isn't even needed if you work hard enough. If you want it bad enough. And I guess I didn't. That's why I gave up halfway through all my stories. That's why I can't write brilliantly like all the authors I've admired. Because I didn't give enough effort. Because I thought if I don't have the talent to write why bother. And that in itself proves that I don't have enough passion to be a writer. Heck I don't even deserve to say that I like writing. 

Because I was lazy. 

And that my dear friend, is the worst talent anybody could have, 

...

Due to internet connection difficulties, I have no choice but to blog about each day a day late okaay it's not that I've forgotten my resolution or the promise I made to myself but because of unavoidable circumstances I can't do anything but wait and hope that the internet connection at my house will be okay again soon so I can blog peacefully again. Haih. 

Dayum.

Do you know what's the best thing about Fridays?

Boys in Baju Melayu. 

On the bright side

Ughh I hate working. The long hours. The fussy customers. The waking up early in the morning. I hate it the fact that I have to work EVERYTIME sem break rolls around just so I'd have money to go out with friends or to buy anything for myself. 

But as always, let's try and look at the bright side so that I won't feel as suckish and emo everytime I have to wake up at 6 just so I have enough time to do my prayers and get ready for work. 

You get money. 

I mean that should be enough perk to make you get a job during your sem break. Unless your parents give you an allowance of RM1500 per month and you can go out with your friends without any worries of your wallet becoming empty  after just one outing. 

I MOVE. 

As in "At least I'm doing something and moving and walking instead of just sitting at home doing nothing but increasing the roundness of my belly" See I'm trying REALLY HARD to feel better about working here. Cos seriously I would love to do nothing. 

The eye candies. 

See I'm not saying USM doesn't have any eye candy, *cough* Daffodil *cough*. But it is deprived of good looking men. Really deprived. 

And so seeing SO MANY GOOD LOOKING BOYS FOR six straight hours is just the kind of motivation I need to get through everyday. Maybe not enough, but atleast they make the long hours bearable. DO NOT FRET (though i'm not sure why you would) I'm not even trying to look for a potential soulmate, just a view that brings sparkles to the eyes and a smile to the lips. 

The free breakfast, 

Yes I get free breakfast. I don't think I need to elaborate further. 

AND the best part is that I only need to work from 7 a.m until 1 pm which to me is just awesome since my previous jobs usually require me to at least work until 6 p.m. and the pay is still somewhat the same. Though I have to admit, though it's only untill one, time seems to be going at A VERY SLOW PACE when I'm working. Like incredible slow. Snail slow. 

Truthfully though, the reason I even agreed to the job when my mom told me about it is because I'm trying to save up money to go to Korea next year. I've been waiting for nearly ten years to set foot on that land. Waaaaaay way before kpop got popular. I mean dude I was a fan of the korean music even before it got famous. 2006 was the exact year in fact, 

And I realize that I haven't exactly done anything or put any effort to achieve my dreams and if only I realize this sooner I wouldn't have wasted the money I got from my jobs on useless petty things. I could've start saving up sooner and I could've gone this year with all the money I accumulated. But ah well, I was a teenager, and I was just itching to spend. Not thinking at all about the long term sequences. 

But you knows, what's past is past. 

The future is yet to be determined and if back then all I did was dream about going, this time I should actually give all my effort to make it happen. 

I  actually have a list of places I'd like to go if I have the money. Korea would be number 1 of course, UK would be second. and the whole Europe continent. before exploring US. Only then I can conquer Asia's countries. 

I'll make it happen. 

I will. 

I Got A Job.

So I got a job. At UiTM Puncak Alam.

It's just a small job at a food kiosk. 

But I really need the money and the working hours and pay is good so I have to just close one eye on my previous dream of having one month sem break doing nothing but eat ice cream and get fat at home. 

B1A4 Malaysia Fanmeet 2015 Scandal : A View From A Veteran Fangirl

So there's been a lot of talk going around about this particular issue. Especially from Malaysia's local press and call me ignorant, going against my own religion, whatever you want, but I'll still say this issue has gone out of hand and out of proportion. People are making such a big deal over such a small and unimportant issue.

One thing about Malaysians is that they like to accuse and blame sides without assessing the situations first. Without knowing what truly happened and without having any solid proof and prior knowledge that relates to the occurences. And when the pictures and videos of those girls being kissed on the cheek backhugged by B1A4 members were made public, the public was quick to blame it on the ENTIRE KPOP COMMUNITY saying they're spreading evil, and badmouthed the girls. Again, without assessing the situation.

One local press even used the word molesting and sexual harassment, further stating that the girls were so infatuated by kpop that they lost all sense of dignity and self preservation. That they have forgotten the limits set by religion. I don't know how this statement actually supports the word "molest" here so I'm just going to assume that they don't know the real definition behind said word because this is what happens when you don't try to assess the situation first and get your bloody facts straight.

First of all, the members of B1A4 had ASKED for permission from the girls themselves beore they touch the girls. And the girls had given them their permission. So I don't think it's considered sexual harassment if both sides are willing participants. But then again, the context of sexual harassment in this country has always been quite vague if you know what I mean.

Second of all, B1A4 are just celebrities that are doing what they thought as fanservice. A way to interact and please and appreciate their fans. THIS IS A NORMAL THING in THEIR CULTURE and they have no prior knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate in context of Islam. Even if they did know a little bit, if the girls themselves had given their consents, who are they to reject the humble wishes of their owns fans? I feel sorry for B1A4 mostly because they are getting such bad press about this when all they did was just fanservice. When all they were trying to do was give the fans good memories.

Now I'm going to talk about the investigation that Jakim has set on this particular incident saying that the organiser did not follow the set of rules that has been laid out for such events, further supporting the claim that this has been an act of sexual harassment. The organiser is an organisation mostly run by women, do you really think they want to see these girls get sexually harassed? Again, accusing without assessing.

And the public isn't helping either, bashing the girls at every social media corner they can find. Bashing kpop because they bring everything evil to the country and honestly I was starting to lose my patience on everyone. Never had I rant about a certain issue on twitter as bad as this one just because everything that everyone is saying is wrong. It's so so wrong. And this time, I just can't be on the neutral side.

I was ready to let go of the issue after 24 hours of giving my own two cents on twitter, but then Jawi came out with a statement that the girls have to step out and admit who they are to help with "further investigations" and they have to pay a fine of RM 1, 000 or be sentenced to jail for 6 months.

After that I lost my shit.

I completely lost it.

Ok fine, what the girls did was wrong and it is right for the public to say that they went overboard but to give them such punishment for an issue like this is just plain excessive and unnecessary I think. They're doing it under the akta of obscene acts in public. To give them such punishment because of a mere back hug or a kiss on the cheek when the local's own entertainment industry has done much worse things in the name of entertainment is just absurd and unfair. If you really want to punish people for obscene acts in public then I suggest you start with Malaysian artists first because they're the ones who know the halal haram in Islam. Have ilmu in Islam but still do all those things in the name of work. Yet I don't see Jakim giving any attention to them, as if it's ok because they're malaysians and local? Tell me then what's the difference between the skinships of these girls and B1A4 with the skinship shown on tv? Tell. Me. Putting girls behind bars for what seemed to be an honest mistake and can be solved through a discussion is equivalent to north koreans giving death sentence to their own people for watching south korean entertainment. and yes it happened.

Honestly what's happening here is just plain hatred. Hatred towards everything in the name of korean entertainment because it brings obsession. A hatred that has turned people blind over the real issue here.

And the fact that they're hashtagging #MenentangKejahatanKpop on twitter like that mere incident represents the entire kpop community is showing how hypocritical Malaysians can be. They get so mad when the rest of the world label ALL Muslims as terrorist due to a small group of them. But don't you see that you're doing the exact same thing? Taking a small group of something so large to represent the entire community. And it's just not right. You wonder why people all around the world stereotype muslims. You wonder and get mad when there are people accused all those who wear hijabs are terrorists. But they're just assuming based on what the media has fed them. Based on what they've seen without further assessment. And you malaysians, are doing the exact same thing. I'm not saying all Malaysians but you know yourself la kan.

If you want to justify why a certain act is wrong is alright, but to have it cloud your judgment over everything and talking about things that are completely out of context, now that I can't tolerate.

To conclude I think what the girls did was wrong, but I think how Jawi and the public are handling it is unprofessional and unjust as well.

As a kpop fan more than nine years, I would like to apologize to all other fans out there for all the commotions that my country has created, and I would like to personally apologize to B1A4 for all misunderstandings. Just know you guys did nothing wrong as you did ask for permission and you were just doing your job as an artist. As idols who want to show their appreciation to their fans. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I'm not saying you can't advise the girls or say that what the girls did are wrong but there are ways to do it and showing their faults in public is not how Islam has taught us. 

I hope the people who spread the pictures with intentions of shaming the girls are happy because I guess you got what you wanted.

Seriously if they do have to pay a fine of one thousand ringgit or be put behind bars over this issue then don't ever talk to me about justice again Malaysia because you're not doing a very good example of it.

This and That.

Because Penang doesn't have Carls. Jr so naturally this was the first thing I looked for when I touch KL soil. I miss my favourite fast food joint.

I was suppose to blog about this particular post about two days ago cos this is about my first day of sem break, but priorities changed you know how it is.

First day of sem break... was not boring to say the least. I got my carls jr.

And omg the best part was that I finally got my own tub of green tea ice cream which I just couldn't get enough of  for the past few months. Weird thing though, I don't know if I've suddenly got a green tea fetish or something but when I got home I realize everything that I bough was green tea flavored.

I only bought three things at the supermarket.

A shampoo : Follow Me Green Tea

Tea : Green Tea

Ice Cream : Green Tea.


Ntah la maybe it's like that time I WAS SO head over heels for dark chocolate after I tasted it for the first time I ended up eating at least once in three days for a few months jugak.


And I don't know if I've mentioned in my previous posts about me wanting to do nothing for the whole one month of this sem break, but yeah, it ain't gon happen unfortunately. Just got a job at UiTM P. Alam jaga kiosk. But hey look at the bright side, at least I'm getting money kan?

Serious talk though I kinda need to restrain myself from using my salary at all cos I have a mission man. Mission of going to Korea next year. And I want it to happen so bad.

Ughh hari ni ramblings macam kepala x tentu because yes my head is currently a mess right now.

Later. 

Tired

First day of Sem Break?

One word.

Green Tea.

And Carls. Jr.

Ahaks.

Tired beyond.

Will update tomorrow.

Cos It's almost midnight and I need to post this up before the next day comes I ain't making the same mistake *take one long deep breath*

One Month Of Nothingness Please.

So finals just ended. 

And ok technically it's already the tenth but you can't  blame me. I had a paper from nine to eleven and then I had to go settle some St. John business and by three my mom has already arrived on campus and I HAVEN'T PACKED A THING. So I didn't even have time to switch on my laptop and blog. And I planned to get to it once I reached home, it's pass midnight now so yeah. Unavoidable circumstances. But I did have a resolution of blogging for each day and I am not going to break it now. 

So again,

Finals just ended. And again I feel nothing. Nada. Zeros. Maybe because I haven't celebrated yet so I'm not really feeling the mood of sem break yet which is only a month by the way so nothing to get overly excited about anyway. 

I honestly thought that my mom would arrive at night and we'd go back on the tenth in the morning. So it came as a surprise to me when she told me that she was already in Penang that morning. And well, I was kinda bummed cos I was planning to go out right after the final paper. First party people ajak keluar makan seoul garden and Syud whatsapped me about going out as well. And it's been a while since I lepak with Syud anyways so macam ok cool bole lepak before going back. So I felt really sorry for her when I had to tell her that I can't go cos I'm going back as soon as I'm done packing. Haih.

Honestly,

I want to do nothing for this one month break. Mainly because I've been working my ass off during my first semester at USM and I haven't had a proper break since. But my mom has already given me contacts of people that I can call to ask for a job. Of course, I mean I thought it was ridiculous cos

I mean

A MONTH JE KOT. 

Then I figured if  I sit at home for a month I'd just gain back all the weight I've shed. And the extra income definitely wouldn't hurt. I have plans to go to Korea next year so I really need the money. Plus I need a new phone. The artifact I'm using right now is just not working anymore. I mean thanks for the past four years but I'm ready to move on. Ahah. 

Ok enough rambling for a night. 

We'll see how the first day of my sem break goes tomorrow. 

I Don't Know Anymore

I trust no one but you to heal my undeserved demon heart.

Even if if we have never met. 

A Long List Of Apologies

The word sorry isn't easy to say. And yet everytime I say it to someone, I feel liberated. I feel like a burden is taken off my shoulder and now I can at least cross another name off my list.

But at times. I sometimes wonder why I keep repeating my mistakes when I myself don't like to apologize over and over again. Apologies repeated are worthless ones. Because it means you're never really sorry. You're doing it out of mere obligations.

So is that it then.

Am I doing it just because it's my obligation to do so. Just because I don't wanna rot in hell.

Is my soul so condemn that there is no turning back for me.

Either way,

I'm sorry. 

Habits to change.

Like for one, I know I like to complain about almost everything. So maybe not STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING cos hell everybody knows I'm incapable of that but MAYBE  J U S T MAYBE stop a few bits here and there. I know people can get tired of hearing me whine about petty stuff at all times, they're probably just too kind to tell me to shut up and get a life.

Two. I can be a bitch sometimes. Saying things that I mean when I know I should have just kept it at the back of my head. But hey whoever said that truth was beautiful? And I'd like to believe people appreciate the ugly truth once in a while. But alas, times have changed and humans would rather feed on unrealistic illusions then open their eyes to sullied images. So maybe I'll cut down on the sarcasm and honesty just a little bit so that humans around me don't feel like strangling me half the time.

Three. Due to my inner hatred towards mankind, it's only natural that I have dissatisfaction over everyone. But it doesn't really give me the right to tell my dissastisfactions to anybody else does it? I mean it's like kira I macam mengaibkan orang jugak  la kan no I'm not particularly bad mouthing. Just expressing my dissatisfaction towards certain people IT AINT THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.I don't like it when people talk about my bad sides either so I'll try to lessen doing it too then. You know what they say, what goes around comes around.

Finally, have a good night everyone. May tomorrow bring better rains. 

Worst Stomach Ache

Seriously today, I experienced the worst stomach ache. I couldn't walk without feeling like my feet would give away any moment. I can't stand. sit. lie down. because every action increases the pain no matter what I do. And I have a won't-be-difficult-if-I-study-the-materials-given paper tomorrow. But I can't concentrate when I'm distracted by the excruciating pain at the pit of my stomach. 

And it's rare because I've experience this kind of pain before. Only it never last more than four to five seconds and it usually goes away after I let out some gas. So it's very odd that it has prolonged to an unbearable state and I don't know what to do because it's not the usual pain I always feel when I'm down with stomach pains. 

It started when I woke up from my afternoon nap and went on for about a couple of hours. I went to lunch despite the pain because I know eventually it'll go away. All my stomach pains always did. And it was ok for a while. But then I slept again around 6 in the evening and when I woke at 9 the pain came again, worse than ever and I'm starting to wonder something could've gone wrong inside me. Like maybe I salah tido ke and now all my intestines are tangled. =.=

Anyway, the pain has subsided a bit as I'm blogging this but I'm just terrified to go back to sleep, in fear that the pain will come again tomorrow morning and I won't be strong enough to walk myself to the exam hall so I have a stupid plan of maybe sleeping after the paper ends cos then kalau nk sakit pun sakit la I can just stay in my bed. But ughh, kalau x dpt any sleep, what if I end up sleeping while taking the paper. 

I don't know what's wrong and I don't have the time to find out if this could be anything serious. I just hope it goes away eventually (PREFERABLY BY TOMORROW) and I could go back to leading a normal fat life; 

The Paper That Kills.

So I have a really difficult paper tomorrow. 

Her name is Linguistics. 

And I am nowhere near ready for the battle that's about to come. 

Honestly I think if I have put a little effort in studying and revise whatever that was taught in class at least once in a month I probably would have no problem in acing this final paper which takes up 60% OF THE GRADE BTW ughh. 

But me and studying, we're not friends. And no matter how hard I try to make it work, she just doesn't seem to want the same thing that I do.

Please. 

Pray for a miracle. =.=

Proving You Wrong

It's day two of 2015. 

Page 2 out 365. 

And I'm still here. Aher. 😊

So when I told a few of my close friends that one of my new resolutions for this year is to blog every day without failure, they all gave me a reaction that I had expected all long. And really who can blame them, considering how "active" I was last year. 

"Right, like you'd actually do it"

"Min, *gives a stop-with-the-jokes look"

"Eleeh boleh ke"

"Hahahaha yeah right I wanna see you try"

"I give you two weeks top"

Are just some of the reactions I got when they heard about my blog-for-365-days. And that's why I really want to prove them all wrong. And more importantly I want to prove MYSELF wrong. I really want to be able to complete at least one resolution. And the more susceptibility is thrown at me, the more driven I become to complete this seemingly impossible task

On another note, as you can see my blog underwent a makeover, It's not much but I like it that way, 

p.s pardon my bad blogging skills. It's gotten a little bit rusty and it'll be a while before I get back my usual writing hoo-haa

Page one.

So it's officially 2015. 

Hah. 

Honestly I've never felt more terrified about entering a new year. Considering how brutal 2014 had been to me. And I'm just not ready to engage in another year-long battle. 

I almost lost in the previous one. 

My instinct often plays a part on how I look on certain things. And the fact that I have NO PARTICULAR INSTINCTS for 2015

It scares me. 

Because I don't know what should I be aware of.  I don't know how I'll brace myself for unexpected situations. And honestly I'm no stranger to unfortunate fortunes. 

And what kind of a new year post would this be without a new year resolution kan. 

I don't have much this year. Nor did I have much for any of the previous years. 

Well actually this is the first year that I am actually having new year resolutions. And one of them was to blog everyday for the next 365 days. You know how they have those pictures "page 1 out of 365" 

Yeah well I kinda wanna make it a reality and blog everyday without fail.

Seeing as how I basically just left this blog abandoned last year. Like I said, I was going through a year long battle and blogging just couldn't be a top priority. 

But I'll promise I'll try to stick my resolution this time and stick to it till the end. 

aaaaannddd well, 

Welcome to 2015 everyone.