Trying.

One.

I've always been an unhappy person. 

Unhappy about everything in my life. Feeling ungrateful over everything I can't have. Complain constantly on the unfairness I have experienced throughout my life. 

But then again, everyone goes through same hardships too right? It just varies in terms of the type of hardships they go through and how difficult things could really be for a person. So what gives me the right to actually complain anything about my life or even feel ungrateful over things. If anything I should be grateful with everything I've achieved and gotten so far. Yet here I sit, as I'm typing down the thoughts currently brewing in my mind on a blog, still thinking that life hasn't been very fair to me.

What an insolent brat I am. I know that.

And believe me.

I'm trying.

Nobody's perfect and everybody knows that. But using inevitability of imperfection as an excuse for me being a brat is highly unacceptable.

Because being an ungrateful human being is not imperfection. It's a bad character that no one should be proud of.

But I'm trying,


Two.

I've never been able to be the ideal daughter. The daughter that calls her parents atleast once a month asking how they're doing. The daughter that smiles and make small talks with her parents when she comes home. The daughter that basically knew how to be a daughter should be.

Yet I can't say I'm a rebellious one either. Because despite how it looks like, I actually mean no harm. Despite all the so-called resistance, it never actually crossed my mind. But things just happened the way it did because of who I am.

But I'm trying.

I'm not one to express my feelings for people well. Regardless if it's friends or family.

But I'm trying.

I'm not one to notice all the little bad things I've done because to me, I was just being my usual self.

But I'm trying.

Sometimes the way I act may come across as rude and impolite to the elders that surrounds me. BUT BELIEVE ME. I never meant to.

And I'm trying.

Things cannot change in a day and I was raised in a way that I can't just easily be affectionate with everyone. And this. Even my friends know.

But I'm trying.


Three.

I'm not a good friend. I try to be. But because I have what I would like to call self-complexity and inferiority, I tend to not be a good friend. Most of the time.

But I'm trying.

I tend to be honest and whatever I feel is usually painted clearly on my face. Most people get annoyed. most people don't understand why I am the way I am. Why I can't control my feelings.

But I'm trying.

Most of my friends get annoyed with the fact that I can't say the word "love" or "Miss". But like I said I wasn't raised with those words rolling off my tongue so easily. I barely even say it to my family. And that's just how I am.


I know I can be a burden and I don't know why the friends I have now is still friends with me. I don't know why they put up with the an emotional yet heartless soul. I don't understand and I always have a feeling that they all are going to leave. Eventually.

But I'm trying.

Mentally. I'm ill.

I'm very ill.

And I'm trying to get better.

But I can't.


But I'm trying.


And you know what is the worst part?

Nothing's changed.

Bittersweet 20.

What a way to mark my 20.

So it's been weeeeeeeeks since my birthday.

You know I used to think birthdays were significant to everyone. No exemption. Little did I know I am actually one of the few who thinks it is. And it sucks.

I had an idea of what a perfect 20th celebration would be like since I was 15 and after waiting for 5 years for that idea-turned-dream to come true, you kinda wish it'll happen JUST the way you imagine it, no excuse.

Not Different

A word to describe me in one word if need be.

Almost everyone that I know thinks they're special in some way. That they're not your average girl. That there's something different about them that separates them from the rest of the crowd. And most of the time, that "different" element of themselves that they have, is just one of their many insecurities; training their brain to believe that it's actually a specialty rather than a big obvious flaw. Probably unrealized because we live in a self-absorbed community.

Or probably it's just me being my usual pessimistic self again.

But every time someone says they're different from others, I can't help but feel that I can never say the same thing.

What is "different" nowadays anyway?

Is it when what you own is not what everybody else owns?
Is it when you have something that only a number of people have too?
Or is it just different because you claim it to be?

Is it different if everybody IS "different"?

Because if everybody is different then what is normal suppose to be? What would be the definition of normal then?

What is normal?

Because if normal is almost non-existent then shouldn't normal be the actual different?

And what is so wrong with being perceived as normal?

It doesn't matter if you're trying to fit in or trying to stand out, you'll think you're different either way. Different cos you blend in and observe the world. Different cos you're born to stand out but can't you see it's the same thing if both admit that they are different?

We Can't Start From Zero Again. Ever.

If there's one thing I know about time is that we can never get it back. Ever. And that's what makes life so terrifying.

Your zero starts when you are born and no matter how much you'd like to go from zero again, you can't. People keep fooling themselves that it's possible. Because that's what we do. Because that's only way to solve problems.

I know most people would argue that I'm still too young to decide this for myself and maybe they're right. 20 years on earth is not enough to determine what is what just yet. 20 years is not enough to say you've seen what needs to be seen, heard what needs to be heard, and experience what needs to be experience. And it's definitely not enough to make you conclude that a person can never start from zero again.

But until that day comes, hear me out.

A higher level of uncertainties and strangulation of heart, mind and soul.

It's the fifth week of the semester.

Maybe it's because I've gotten used to how things work around here.

Maybe it's because I've gotten used to that suffocating feeling of never being able to rise to the surface again and the pain of it has become numb over the holidays.

Maybe it's because it hasn't kicked in yet that I'm about to go through another  4 brutal months before sem break comes and be my ticket to discharge from this asylum.

Or maybe.

Just maybe.

It's because the person inside me isn't the same person I entered with when I first stepped foot on USM grounds.

Maybe, the demon part of me is taking over more than I usually let them.

When I first started the second year, the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I may get that Yayasan Selangor Pinjaman soon and I won't have to bother my parents anymore about university fees or financial support. I would have enough money then and maybe, life wouldn't seem as bad.

But the result just came out last week and I guess I wasn't qualified enough to get money from my own state too. Devastated, crushed, frustrated would be underestimations. I've tried. And tried again, Digging every holes I can to find a scholarship. To make life a little easier. To release my parents' from the burden of having to support me and give that extra money to my younger siblings who probably need it more than I do. To have that certainty that I would have enough money every month to eat two meals a day and still have some for other stuffs.


Putting money problems aside, things have started to become really stressful and the pressure around me . It feels as though the air that surrounds me is begging me to stop breathing. Like I'm not worthy enough as a human being to take another lungful of air. But then again, maybe it's my usual exaggeration tendencies. idk.

I just can't shake this feeling aside though. This feeling of being trapped. This feeling of numbness I feel throughout my body every time I step out of my room. What, why, where. It all seemed to not matter so much anymore because

what's the point of finding a purpose when I'm walking down an endless path of uncertainties anyway.

What's the point of trying to keep intact if my mind, heart and soul have been lost causes since the beginning?

What's the point of fighting to keep myself above the surface and survive.

I don't even know if the person who is writing this is my true self. Or the egg shell I've produced to show every unwretched soul that have the misfortune opportunity to cross path with someone like me.

And just like how all that is written above has no ends or beginnings. Or if it even makes any sense. I guess my state of mind is no different.

It's Raya?

I've been aching to write my raya post but I decided to restrain myself and write it at the end of the raya month so I could compile all the events in one single post knowing that it is going to be a lengthy one and no one would probably read it but it is more convenient aaanndd stop babbling. 

1. This Year's Theme Colour 

Forgive le plump face. I just have naturally really chubby cheeks. Yes you guessed it(even if you didn't you know just by looking -.-), this year's theme colour is black.

Every year the theme colour decider(?) rotates from the oldest which is le dad to the youngest and this year it was my brother's choice and well, he really wanted black. No it wasn't because he was a dude and he doesn't know what colour to pick. But honestly I can't complain. I'm a huge fan of the colour myself and I was more than happy to be donning such a beautiful colour on the first day of eid. 

As I scrolled through my instagram throughout the day, blue seems to be the theme colour of the year. More than half of the instagram photos of different friends and families in my instagram were wearing blue and I couldn't help but feel VERY VERY happy that we went for a colour that rarely make an appearance on eid.  

2. Alea's Birthday/Blood Sisters' Raya 2014

I better give the explanation before the photos for this one. So Alea's birthday coincidentally fell on the 5th of Syawal so we thought why not just do a 2 in 1 and celebrate all at once. Blood Sister's Raya celebration AND Alea's 20th. Since it is raya and we still need a theme for Alea's bday, we decided to go with traditional batik. 

Honestly this has been the best part of my raya, celebrating with them. Ever since I entered USM I've forgotten when's the last time I laughed that much, talked about things of no actual importance and bitch about people who used to do us wrong back in high school and ya know, feel like how I was before I enrolled in USM. Whole and content. 

Bday Girl's most delicious mud cake. 

Have a great 20 chika. Let's have a great celebration next year too.

3. Ayah's Birthday

Forgive me if I may seem like a bad daughter, but I don't exactly remember how old my dad is turning into this year. 50 maybe? 51? Hmm. Anyway, we celebrated his birthday by bringing him to Concorde Hotel Shah Alam for all you can eat lunch buffet. And seriously, I've forgotten the last time I was given sooo many delicious food choices. And devour EVERYTHING. They have noodle, raw salmon, bread/butter stuff, lamb, roasted chicken oh and the dessert section is just oh god so yummy. Chocolate fountain, ice cream, marshmallows, chocolate crumbles. AMAZING. Ceh dah lama x makan best, camni la excited dia. -.-

Happy birthday dad. Hoping you had a great one.

4. Meteoras' Raya Celebration

Probably my final big event for this year's raya but one of my most anticipated one as well since I rarely meet this beauties. So we gathered at Bat's open house and later that day we went to Ismah's open house. Unfortunately Shades couldn't come and I came too late so I wasn't able to meet Jibah. All's good though. Still had a great time.

At Bat's

At Ismah's

And that wraps up my raya folks!

God such a lame ending

To Express. But I can't.

Expressing feelings have always been a confusing issue for me.

I used to ponder a lot about this. About whether I'm the type of person who easily expresses her feelings. or the type who has difficulty in showing emotions even in times of need. I used to be so confident I was the latter, until certain situations showed that maybe I'm the former too.

Years passed and still I couldn't decide which category I truly belonged in. 

Not so sweet nineteen. Or maybe it was sweet.

Finally, I'm back home for sem break and I have never felt so relieved yet anxious at the same time. I'm not expecting myself to do anything productive when I reach home cos, well, that's exactly what sem break is all about. Being as useless/lifeless as you can because once you get back in the game, there's no such thing as a day off anymore.

You know I've been meaning to update this blog for a very very very, immensely, long time. There were so many things I needed to share but I got caught up in my own feelings of distraught and unhappiness that I can't be bothered with anything else once I reach my room. But I knew I gotta update it sooner or later. Not because I think I have millions of readers no definitely not that. It's more of a self-satisfaction kinda thing. I haven't written anything only for sheer pleasure in a very long time that I got scared I might lose my writing skills altogether. Not that I have a lot to begin with but hey, at least I need to maintain what I can right?

This will be my first post of #whathappenduringthose7monthshiatus

Sooo. Here's the hard part. Where. do I begin?

Birthday Celebrations.

Ok well that was easy.

My nineteenth birthday. The suitable word to describe it would be doubleueeaiardi. weird. It was just weird and just ... ....  the whole birthday thing felt very awkward to me. I wasn't really looking forward to it since turning nineteen means I have one final year before I turn the big 2.0 and that means I only have a year left to complete my "things to do before I turn 20" list. Out of the nineteen things I listed I only managed to crossed out one. And it wasn't even how I wanted it to be but hey, it happened and  at least I got to cross out one. :)

Anyway all I can say it wasn't such a sweet nineteen but I had expected it anyway. The week before, there was just something in my guts that made me feel uneasy about my upcoming birthday. It just didn't feel like I should be anticipating. This is the first bday that I did not feel like celebrating. Seriously. And I'm  pretty sure it wouldn't be the last. Cos well, there's my 30th, 40th. InsyaAllah assuming I get to reach that age. I don't think I'd be anticipating those birthdays either.

I guess part of the reason is because I'm reaching the end of my teenage years and still, I can't find directions or paths that I want to take for the next part of my life. Others are already figuring out what they want to do and what they should do and the possibilities and opportunities they should take along the way. Granted they may not see everything through and through yet but they're getting there. And me. Well.

I'm still stuck at trying to accept that I'm living in this place called reality.

I was so scared of turning nineteen cos I started to realize how old I am. I can't ignore reality anymore and hide in my escapism. I need to wake up now. It sucks.

So yeah if you ask me how my birthday celebration was last year, I would probably say "It was fine" which translates to "It (insert some really bad words here) sucked"

But I wouldn't say it totally sucked. Thanks to a few people that made an effort for it not to.

Thank you to TESL D for wearing our class t-shirt.

Thank you to Haz, Ismah and Eva for that birthday surprise.

Thank you Farzana for the awesome wolf shirt.

Thank you Nuna for coming to Penang and gave me one of the best birthday gifts anyone has ever given me in my nineteen years of miserable life.

Thank you Bat for making that wonderful rainbow cake with my favourite korean male celebrities' bob heads. Truly, I am so touched by the effort and no words can express how grateful I am to have someone like you in my life.

In a way, though my birthday kinda sucked, these people actually made me want to remember this one because of the awesome things they've done for me. Ah crap.

After a 7 months hiatus.

So. 

It's been a long hiatus hasn't it. I don't wanna say the usual trust-me-i've-been-meaning-to-update-my-blog-for-so-long-but-got-held-up-by-life-and-stuffs thing cos I always do whenever I go on without blogging for more than a month or two. Because this time, I  really don't have an excuse. I didn't even bother to come up with one to justify-at least myself if not for anybody else- why I've been on such a long hiatus.

I had plenty of time to write and plenty of things to tell too. Thing is, there are so many things that I need to tell that I ended up not knowing where to begin. And then I started to wonder whether anyone out there could have enough interest in me to read about my daily rants. I mean does this blog even have readers? And you know, when you think too much it kinda gives you a whole new perspective on what you should and shouldn't do ergo procrastination. I decided a few days ago I can't hold it off any longer and that I need to wipe these dusty shelves of drafts. That I need to remind myself the original motive behind this blog. and soooo here I am.

The last time I updated my blog was a few days before my birthday so this officially makes it the longest hiatus I ever had. 7 months. Whoa. Never thought I could stop writing that long. I've always been quite obsessed with pouring my feelings out on my blog considering no one ever actually reads it. I think.

Ok so now the hardest part. Deciding where to begin. Thought of just jumping in but I don't even know how to do that. It kinda feels like you're going to start cleaning your room which has now taken the splitting image of an aftermath of a nuclear bomb explosion, but you don't know where to begin. Do you start with the pile of clothes on your bed, or do you start with the cluster of shoes right beside your wardrobe. Or maybe take care of the jumble of books and papers and files on your desk? And ughh, don't even start on the makeup table it is horrendous.  =.=.

While I was trying to find ideas on what to write for the blog this time, I couldn't help but go down memory lane and look at some of the previous blog posts I have posted and whoaaaaaa, I always thought my grammar was impeccable. Man I was wrong. There were so many grammar mistakes my eyes couldn't help but twinge at some of it like how could I have possibly done that kind of mistake? And I have the nerve to call myself a grammar nazi? Shame on you min shame on you. And I haven't even mentioned the redundant sentences, poor use of vocabs and obnoxiously conceited, cheesy ending lines oh god. I mean I knew my english wasn't great but I didn't think it was THAT bad. Hmmph. Apparently it was. I bet there're so many in this one too I just haven't realized it yet. I bet my 30-year old self would though. Assuming I still use this blog 10 years from now.

And there you go, before you know it I have already blogged about my seven months hiatus. Not knowing what to write can be idea generators sometimes.

I still have a lot to say and a lot more to complain(like a lot) and a lot more questions that I need the readers to answer and give their opinion on but that would  take time since I need to organize my thoughts before anything else. But we have time.

Till next time then?