Trying.

One.

I've always been an unhappy person. 

Unhappy about everything in my life. Feeling ungrateful over everything I can't have. Complain constantly on the unfairness I have experienced throughout my life. 

But then again, everyone goes through same hardships too right? It just varies in terms of the type of hardships they go through and how difficult things could really be for a person. So what gives me the right to actually complain anything about my life or even feel ungrateful over things. If anything I should be grateful with everything I've achieved and gotten so far. Yet here I sit, as I'm typing down the thoughts currently brewing in my mind on a blog, still thinking that life hasn't been very fair to me.

What an insolent brat I am. I know that.

And believe me.

I'm trying.

Nobody's perfect and everybody knows that. But using inevitability of imperfection as an excuse for me being a brat is highly unacceptable.

Because being an ungrateful human being is not imperfection. It's a bad character that no one should be proud of.

But I'm trying,


Two.

I've never been able to be the ideal daughter. The daughter that calls her parents atleast once a month asking how they're doing. The daughter that smiles and make small talks with her parents when she comes home. The daughter that basically knew how to be a daughter should be.

Yet I can't say I'm a rebellious one either. Because despite how it looks like, I actually mean no harm. Despite all the so-called resistance, it never actually crossed my mind. But things just happened the way it did because of who I am.

But I'm trying.

I'm not one to express my feelings for people well. Regardless if it's friends or family.

But I'm trying.

I'm not one to notice all the little bad things I've done because to me, I was just being my usual self.

But I'm trying.

Sometimes the way I act may come across as rude and impolite to the elders that surrounds me. BUT BELIEVE ME. I never meant to.

And I'm trying.

Things cannot change in a day and I was raised in a way that I can't just easily be affectionate with everyone. And this. Even my friends know.

But I'm trying.


Three.

I'm not a good friend. I try to be. But because I have what I would like to call self-complexity and inferiority, I tend to not be a good friend. Most of the time.

But I'm trying.

I tend to be honest and whatever I feel is usually painted clearly on my face. Most people get annoyed. most people don't understand why I am the way I am. Why I can't control my feelings.

But I'm trying.

Most of my friends get annoyed with the fact that I can't say the word "love" or "Miss". But like I said I wasn't raised with those words rolling off my tongue so easily. I barely even say it to my family. And that's just how I am.


I know I can be a burden and I don't know why the friends I have now is still friends with me. I don't know why they put up with the an emotional yet heartless soul. I don't understand and I always have a feeling that they all are going to leave. Eventually.

But I'm trying.

Mentally. I'm ill.

I'm very ill.

And I'm trying to get better.

But I can't.


But I'm trying.


And you know what is the worst part?

Nothing's changed.

Bittersweet 20.

What a way to mark my 20.

So it's been weeeeeeeeks since my birthday.

You know I used to think birthdays were significant to everyone. No exemption. Little did I know I am actually one of the few who thinks it is. And it sucks.

I had an idea of what a perfect 20th celebration would be like since I was 15 and after waiting for 5 years for that idea-turned-dream to come true, you kinda wish it'll happen JUST the way you imagine it, no excuse.