It's the effort that matters?

I tried my hardest to keep the resolution I made at the beginning of the year. Believe me. I tried. So very hard. 

Due to forces of certain circumstances though, I wasn't able to keep my resolution. I am trying though. Although I might not blog on the day itself I'd try my best to make sure that each day has an entry. Even if I have to blog about it a day or two after said day. 

I mean it's the effort that matters right? 

So I'm still keeping my resolution right? 

RIGHT?

To Do List

• PET 225
• Group Video Assignment (Syud, Shamin, Caca, Auni, Lijah)

• QMT 222 
• One minute animation (with Moli)
• Have to include motion tween, classic tween, shape tween, bone tool and sound element
• Due 26th May 2015

• HXE 229
• Report Assignment (with Olivia)

• LAK 100
• Oral Dialogue Test

• QMT 213E
• Interview Video (Serena, Shamin, Mira)
• 15 minutes
• Persuasive Video (Serena, Shamin, Mira)
• 30 minutes

• Stop Procrastinating
• Hell that ain't gon happen but please make an effort at least min. 

The End Game

No one knows. And that's what terrifies me the most. Because my end games never ended well. And I was forced to live with what is left.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days honestly but I will blog about each day right after this one. Things have been too hectic and exhaustion took me to the point that I would fall asleep in seconds after I lay down.

Today though.

S just got back to USM. Her brother passed away last week. And I was worried for when gets back as I am not known for being a great comfort to friends. I suck at comforting people and I wonder if she needs it from me. Usually when I go through a hard time, I would prefer it if people leave me be. If they just give me space because honestly that's all I need. And my fault is that everyone else would be the same too. So when a close friend of mine is going through a hard time, I would usually give her space. I won't ask her anything about the matter. I won't try to comfort her. I would just treat her like I would any other day and thinks that she'd appreciate that.

There were just so many deaths happening to the people closest to me nowadays, it made me think how my own end game would be. And would anyone be there to weep for me. And though I already know the answer to that. Though I know no one would. I can't help but ponder upon it. I can't help but sink into a dark realm and stay there. Because it is definitely safer. familiar.

I have lost all desire to be one half of a soul. For my soul was ripped apart as soon as I was born and what's left is this hollowed body.

I have lost all desire to escape. For everywhere I turn there is no window. no door. not even a hole that would allow me to. For every place I venture allows me no escape and the only thing I can do is endure. For that is what I have been doing for a long time.

Some may doubt my words. Some may believe. Some may outright laugh.

And so from there I know I have no one but myself. And that is the one place I wish to escape from the most.

Georgetown. paper balls. and a killer game.

And here I thought St. John couldn't be any more demanding. 

It is the second day of KKI and I know I say this a lot, but I have never been so exhausted in my life. It was a day packed with walking and exploring and more walking, and more and more. 

And more. 

The day started with us going to Georgetown. We were given missions to accomplish while walking around Georgetown. So that is already half a day of walking.

When we got back we only had an hour of rest before continuing with explorace around USM. 

And then that night it was a killer game they call it. A game where you have to find the killer among a family whose all the sons and daughters are trying to inherit the Mother's inheritance for their own selfish benefit. 

Then the excos had a meeting until late at night. I was only able to go back after 1.30 in the morning. 

Tired would be an understatement. 

And so it begins.

The first day of St. John's Kem Kemahiran Insaniah is today. And one of our final projects before St. John officially comes to an end for me.

The worst thing is that it's only the first day and already I feel like they've drained all energy from my already exhausted body.

Selinkruiner

If someone told me two years ago that a man named Selinker could ruin my entire day just by making the task of understanding his definition of fossilization in second language acquisition so hard I would've laugh my ass off because it would be impossible for any linguistic expert to get anything out of me except the utmost respect for their contribution in language development.

But Selinker proved me wrong. 

Cos I'm not mentally ready,

These upcoming weeks will be hell.

And I'm denying to myself that I am ready.


When in actual fact.

I can break down in seconds.

She lost a dear one.

And I hope she's doing alright.

I hope she stays strong.

I hope she's alright

My condolences to the whole family.

And my heart goes out to you especially.

Already?

May.

We are already entering what I call "the middle months". The most hardcore months throughout the whole year.

I've always felt that the hardest months to go through are the months of June, July, and August. And the fact that we've already reached May and it only takes another four weeks before June comes is incredibly daunting.

My emotional state is on the brink of losing control and currently I am just waiting for it to combust. Everything is just double the sensitivity, double the offense and double the hurt. And there's nothing I can really do about it as I wasn't programmed to be ice cold no matter how much I wish I were. 

My financial status is at its worse (though I don't know how it could actually get any worse than last year's. Apparently it is possible.)

Don't even talk about my work progress. I tried to erase procrastination as my middle name but all efforts seemed useless. 

It's just another May. 

Missing.