#3

I finally got my phone and internet privileges. But I decided to stick with internet only and only check my phone on sundays out of basic necessity. 

Ever since I was allowed to use the internet about a week ago, the only thing I wanted to do was to go on my blog and rant  like a normal person. It feels like the only normal thing I'm capable of doing on my own these days. Things have been rocky. Up and down. But that's, I guess, normal too. 

I'm tired of taking pills everyday though. Back then when I wasn't on tight supervision I could cheat and not take it for days. But now that I have a nurse watching me everytime I down my pills there's no way for me to cheat on myself anymore. Which is good I guess. Again. It's always just a guess. Never affirmation. 

I mentioned earlier how I was finally given permission to use my phone last week. And as soon as I open the thousands of text messages awaiting me, I felt the regret almost immediately. I felt this huge pain on my chest. And I just did not feel like wanting to go any further. The anxiety to reply and to inform people of my presence was worse than when I was working at that call centre. It took me a whole day to calm myself down just enough for me to read the messages and reply. Being away from society for so long has its ups and downs. I guess. 

Friends getting married. Bachelorette plans. Other friends contacting and asking where I was. All of it just became overwhelming. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back into the real world in 4 months. Or worse, earlier than that. But that would mean I'm finally healthy again right? That would mean I don't need to worry about things like social anxiety and panic attacks. Right? That would mean I will be fine. Right?

Lol I've been trying since I was thirteen, idk why now this programme will make any difference at all. 

Only Means of Communication.

It's been two weeks since I first entered and the longing to connect with the outside world fades as the days grew longer. Thank goodness. I never thought I could live without a phone for two weeks but here I am.

I found some good friends here and I have made some good progress since my first day.

It feels good because the friends I made here actually understand what I'm going through as they are going through things themselves. We don't judge and we don't try to give each other advices. And we never say "Yeah we all go through the same thing" because we know despite the fact that we are all going through treatments, depending on one's circumstances and situations, none of us are going through the exact same journey. And saying that we do is an offense to everybody's unique, individual journey here. This is by far the best realization I have made here.

I'm still alive.

I'm struggling here but I'm alive.

That's all you need to know for now.


Till next time outside world.


p.s ramadhan's here btw.