Some Poeple Just Don't Have It

And. Yeah.

Some people just don't have it I guess. And you have to work really hard to get what you want.

Words can't really explain how excruciatingly painful it is to watch someone with a natural talent for writing is only using it for leisure time purpose and they're out there doing greater things with what other talents they have within themselves.

It's even more painful to see the talent that you wish you have so much is pass down to your younger sister and not you. While you, try as hard as you can to excel in drawing, it never paid off. 

It is worse when a close friend of yours is better at writing than you are and she doesn't even need to try. While you're having a hard time just to remember all those vocabs you just read in a book. Let alone use them in your essays.

And then it gets even more depressing when your hard work only brings you so far. 

THEN, just when you're about to get back on your wobbly feet, you hear words like "there's always going to be someone better than you" 

And you know these words are for those who think that they'll always be the best. But what about you?! You're not even the best and you're just beginning to rise up to the challenge again! And then those words comes out and it just crushes you all over.

AGAIN.

Yes. You believe in hard work. And giving up is not an option. 

A talent is a talent.

A gift is a gift.

But hard work.

It pays off hell of a lot more.

So damn you people with gifts. 

Dear My Rainbow

Sigh...

So this guy I've been crushing on for two years.

Well not so much of a crush..

More like someone I've admired for so long.

Admire, Love and Cared about.

It started off as a crush on another guy.
I nicknamed him MUFFIN.
I liked muffin a lot...like seriously....a lot...
Till it got to the point where I thought he might have found out about it.

They say the only way to get over a guy is to like another guy.
So in order for me to get over muffin
I focused on my other crush...whom also i really like.
I nicknamed him,
"Rainbow"


At first, it was merely a crush...
But as time goes on...he just takes my breath everytime I saw him.
i was so hypnotize by him
that my little crush turned into something much much bigger.

Lemme just show how in love i was with Rainbow

I HAVE NEVER

1. bAke cupcakes for a human being. let alone a guy
2.  Buy a T-shirt that I carefully picked with my dearest bestfriend Ammera Hadi
3. Secretly gave a guy a keychain with the meaning of his name on it
4. and last but not least...confess to the guy that I like right infront of his face.

I have never done these things before...and I did it...Just because it was him. Just because it was Rainbow.
JUST BECAUSE IT WAS HIM.

I swallowed my ego and my pride and told him that i like him just because it was him

It's amazing what love can do to people huh??

You knw what the only problem was??
He didn't have any feelings for me.

And that's ok.
When I got into this...i knew the risk i have to face,
and one of the biggest is tht he wouldn't have any feelings for me.
And i have to accept that.

though he never reciprocated my feelings
I was still irrevocably in love with him.
everytime we chatted on facebook, or text on the phone..
My heart beats like crazy that i wish he could hear how fast it was beating.

i like being friends with him...i really do...
That's why i never jeopardize our friendship by pushing him further into something tht he doesn't want
i didn't want to lose the friendship because of something this silly.

Probably my text messages means nothing to him.
he never knew how much i value HIS text messges.
whether it's a wish for raya, my bday, or a new year's wish...i value it all...
cos it shows...yes...we do have a friendship.
yes he knows I like him...and yes I know he doesn't like me back....
but we still are very good friends.
And that's enough to make me feel ok.
Not happy or content but satisfied enough.

When I text him...i never compliment him..
instead i always highlights his imperfections,
i always insult him and never actually say nice things about him to him
because i don't want him to think i worship him.
i don't want him to think that I admire him that much.
The fact is I do.
 I did it because I was trying to hide those feelings from him.

Some may say I'm crazy...and maybe even he thinks I'm crazy..
But hey..
this is me...and I can't change what i am or what i feel for someone....

I never told him that I was in love with him.
he knew that I like him. But he didn't know it was more than that.
I didn't wanna ruin our friendship so I kept it shut.
I'm scared he'd think he's giving me hopes if he keeps contacting me so tht's why i never told him i was in love with him.
When the fact is...it doesn't matter if he gave me hope or not...
i was in love and nothing could change that. i know there was no hope.
none at all...

Yes I know...you guys will say...aww don worry shamin...you'll find someone much better than this jerk...
the fact is...i don't know that...none of us knows that..
what i know is that...even though he doesn't return my feelings..
he's still a very good guy...
and he's anything but a jerk....
so any girl would be lucky to have him.
the luckiest girl in the world in fact.

he told me that he reconnects with his old love.
and he asked me if it's ok if he tells me this.
and i said i was ok.
though inside my heart was burnt with fury.
but i knew...
If i wanted to get over him...i have to hear this...
so that when i know he is with someone else..
then i can let go of him a little easier.
I cried the night he told me this..
but i know...
If I love him...i'd just want to see him happy. (:


So to Rainbow, If you're reading this,
First of all, Congrats and best of luck at UIA. I know you'll do great. You always do anyway. ^^
I know that you know that it is you i'm talking about. lol.
There's so much I want to tell you
But when I get the chance..my tongue gets tongue tied.
Everytime.

Everytime I bumped into you at school...
there's so much things I'd like to say, to joke about.
But again...tongue tied.
cos you just mean that much to me.
I'd like to joke around with you, talk to you like how I do with Muzek, Shah and all my other guy friends..
But I can't.
Cos you're tht special.
and also because you wouldn't talk to me when we see each other.
But thanks...
Thanks for still not ignoring me like all the other jerks when they knew that I like them
Thanks for still being my friend.
thanks for not feeling embarassed because of the fact that I like you.
Thanks.
I may insult you a lot and say a lot of bad things to you and never actually complimented you and always say that you lack in so many things.
but trust me...i do that to every person i love just to hide the fact that I love them.
you are very imperfect...yet you try to make everything work,
That's what got me hooked to you in the very first place.
Thanks for a splendid two years...
And now I will securely locked you in my memory box.

Good luck in UIA
and hope we meet again in the future. ^^

Yeah rainbow??
If you're seeing this...please don't be scared...lol,