#3

I finally got my phone and internet privileges. But I decided to stick with internet only and only check my phone on sundays out of basic necessity. 

Ever since I was allowed to use the internet about a week ago, the only thing I wanted to do was to go on my blog and rant  like a normal person. It feels like the only normal thing I'm capable of doing on my own these days. Things have been rocky. Up and down. But that's, I guess, normal too. 

I'm tired of taking pills everyday though. Back then when I wasn't on tight supervision I could cheat and not take it for days. But now that I have a nurse watching me everytime I down my pills there's no way for me to cheat on myself anymore. Which is good I guess. Again. It's always just a guess. Never affirmation. 

I mentioned earlier how I was finally given permission to use my phone last week. And as soon as I open the thousands of text messages awaiting me, I felt the regret almost immediately. I felt this huge pain on my chest. And I just did not feel like wanting to go any further. The anxiety to reply and to inform people of my presence was worse than when I was working at that call centre. It took me a whole day to calm myself down just enough for me to read the messages and reply. Being away from society for so long has its ups and downs. I guess. 

Friends getting married. Bachelorette plans. Other friends contacting and asking where I was. All of it just became overwhelming. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back into the real world in 4 months. Or worse, earlier than that. But that would mean I'm finally healthy again right? That would mean I don't need to worry about things like social anxiety and panic attacks. Right? That would mean I will be fine. Right?

Lol I've been trying since I was thirteen, idk why now this programme will make any difference at all.