Future Uncertainty.

 I've had uncertainties about my future before. But it was never to the extent of me being broke, homeless, and dead. 

Now? 

It's a possibility that I believe could beat other odds of how my future could turn out. 

It's also scary to think that I've gotten to this stage of my life. As I've always seen how others are affected by this, I have never thought I will experience it firsthand. Simply because I've always been careful in ensuring that I have enough to survive my days of unemployment should I ever decide to resign from my job. 

But a lot of things happen here and there and I found myself trapped in a situation that I can barely get out of and until today, I am quite unsure of how to get out of this miserable situation. I am embarrassed to face my friends, embarrassed to tell them what has been keeping me troubled. Embarrassed that I got myself in this situation in the first place and I don't think I'll be brave enough to tell them until I manage to get things to sort out. 

My current fear? 

How long will that take?

I've talked about this quite a number of times but it's still funny to think how different things have turned out from the way I imagined it when I was younger. 

I'm 28, I have no savings, no investment, no job, and no partner. 

And I wonder if this is a cycle that I will go through for the rest of my life. 

I wonder if I will keep begging and borrowing money from friends because I never have enough to sustain my lifestyle for longer than a month. 

I wonder if I'll be single till the day I die and I wonder who is going to take care of my funeral if I end up poor and homeless. 

With my parents gone and my siblings, god knows where, I wonder if I'll have anyone at the end of the day. 

A lot of these things are occupying my mind now that I'm reaching 30. 

It's my fault that I didn't prepare myself more for this. It's my fault that I take so much time to wallow in my own misery that I actually didn't do much about it. 

I wish I was different. I wish I was more independent and goal-oriented. I wish I was better.