Sensitivity at its peak.

I rarely get insecure with myself. And if I do, it's usually after midnight and I just take it as one of those after midnight bad habits. But lately, I don't know, everything feels so overwhelming and completely out of hand. Not sure if it's just me being dramatic again or I'm not doing anything to fix it or if it's just how it is.

I don't exactly know when it this depression/stress-for-no-reason thing began but I'm guessing it started on that final week before midsem break starts. Hell it was one panic week. Never have I had a more chaotic week than that one. Which seems like it's a long time ago but in actuality it was the previous week. -,-

Everyday for the first three days, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday just feels really frantic and everything and everyone is just waiting to burst and explode itself all over me. And well, after Wednesday, everything else was pretty mellow. The problem was trying to get through those three days. All I can conclude after I reached Thursday was that going through those three days felt like going through one year of hard labour. 

Ok a bit exaggerated but you guys know what I'm trying to send across here. And as the week progresses, with so many thing clouding my head and mind, I find myself disappearing behind all those workload. I don't feel happy nor excited nor good about everything and everyone around me anymore. I can't. And when I do feel something, it usually is a feeling of anger, sad, hurt, irritation, agitation, frustrated mauled into one big nameless emotion. And I just couldn't stand all the pressure. I didn't wanna tell anyone though, cos everyone I know is going through the same thing as I am and if they're not whining then why should I? 

Mentally and physically I was weak. Weak beyond repair. Only Leauran and Emmeliene knew that. And if they weren't trying to take over my body all the time, I might actually like having them inside of me. They can be very good listeners. Well what else can they do except hear me complain all day long. Bet it's the highlight of their day. *nods*

Okay enough crap talk,  basically, i thought after those three days are over, then this whole moaning-sad-all-the-time would also be over. And I felt okay for a while. But then it came again, that feeling of a rope pulling me down into nothingness. into sorrow like I've never felt before. And for once in my life. I was afraid of the incoming feelings. It just feels a whole lot different this time. 

But I tried to keep my mind positive. I told myself that the hols are coming and for this one week at home, I will replenish my energy and self-being. I'm going to meet my blood sisters and some kuantan peeps and boom. I'll be happy as a bunny again. 

Enigma. It didn't. I just feel a whole lot worse about myself as every single day passes and my tweets became so emo that I don't even know what the hell is wrong with my brain anymore. I keep saying hurtful things to people that I never meant or want to hurt. I can't help it. The cruel words just roll out of my tongue like it's been there the whole time, just waiting for the time to be released. 

I became tactless, spiteful and my sensitivity to every actions, every word uttered, and every type of environment just increase by tenfold. 

And insecurities? Oh don't even get me started on that. That is just another topic altogether. 

Even my blog dh emo. Congratulations Shamin, you are nothing but boring. 

Is there anything at all that could get me the hell out of here? Anything at all. Cos believe me I tried.