For the ones that matter

I've been feeling out of place lately. Out of place. Out of touch. Out of feelings.

I didn't realize how overwhelming those feelings were until just recently.

You see, I've been told by a few friends of mine that my condition is no excuse for my radical and sometimes unexplained behaviour. That whether I'm in control of my own mind or not, I am not allowed to treat people a certain way. Or else I would be considered a toxic friend.

And maybe they're right.

So I'm trying to change that. Trying to be a better person. Or better for the people around me I guess.

But along the way, I lost myself. To be more specific, I lost the ability to feel. To express my inner thoughts.

I became numb. I couldn't smile. I couldn't frown. I couldn't be angry. I couldn't even cry out of frustration. It's like somebody just took away my ability to feel and all I end up feeling is not feeling anything.

It terrified me. It concerned me. But even then, I wasn't sure whether what I was feeling was terrified or concern because it definitely didn't seem to be that, yet I didn't know what else I could be feeling.

For a month or two, I went through my daily routine in complete absence of mind and presence. The only thing that reminded me that I was alive and moving were the hint of annoyances that surged through me whenever I was teaching. And I have never been more thankful for that feeling.

And then a week ago, YATIM happened.

A 6-day English camp for SPM Leavers under the YATIM organization. A camp which I have joined for 2 years in a row as a facilitator which would make this year as my third and final year. A camp that I willingly join every year so that i could meet up with Hakim and Farid to be completely honest. A camp that I would be willing to join for more years if that means I get to spend 6 days with people who actually cherish my presence. Which unfortunately I don't get a lot of these days.

And it happened. I felt.

I felt all of it. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Surprised. Contentment. Happy.

Whenever I laugh, I knew it was genuine. Whenever I got angry or irritated, I felt the burn and the heart surge through me. When I felt content, I actually knew  that I was feeling it. And for a moment I believed I was normal again. I was okay again. And I didn't realize it until I talked to Farid that one particular night.

It  was after we all brought the kids out and about in the morning and we were all winding down at the hall before calling it a night. Farid created an impromptu karaoke session after all the kids had gone back to their room. Hakim and Irfan hogged the microphones in the end though lol. Malu my ass. I was sitting at the back with Farid and we started opening up on things that we've gone through and what YATIM means to us. To the four (Farid, Hakim, Me, Irfan) of us actually. Apart from the first year Yatim organized the camp with UM, I have joined all the camps after that and so has Hakim, Farid and Irfan.

We only meet each other during the camp ( aside from Hakim ) but everytime we do, there was never any awkwardness that linger above our heads. We just clicked. And I've always felt nothing but genuine feeling of acceptance whenever I'm around them. I believe it is mainly due to the fact that each of us has gone through so much in our lives. We all faced different difficult situations and issues and at the end of the day we understand better than anyone what it feels to be misunderstood everywhere.

I didn't know what got us into this one particular conversation, but after a while my tears started flowing and what I ended up saying to Farid was something I didn't even remember doing.

I told Farid that I haven't felt this happy in such a long long time. And the tears that fell was my surprise as how to true that statement was.

After that night, it was just hard for me to contain any feelings I have tried so hard to keep hidden. I opened up. I say whatever  is on my mind and that include my feelings. Which I rarely do. Ever.


So far and few in between do I ever get the chance to feel that it's ok to express how I feel. But when I do I realize how overwhelming it could be and maybe that's the reason I'm so terrified of it.

It was then that I realize the significance of those important to me. Those who are able to accept me for all that is me. I realize that if it's for the one that matter, if it's needed to make sure they stay, then it's alright for me to feel. And tell them about it.


It has been almost a month now since YATIM, and I'm back at work with more burden than I'd anticipated. I'm back to feeling nothing and feeling out of touch with the world, but not as bad as it was a few months ago. I'm still not on instagram and twitter but I think it's better that way. Maybe I'll come back after raya. As of now though, I feel that I'm far much better without it. I don't know how long I'll stay this way. I don't know how long it will take me this time to be okay but I believe it will be. It's just a matter of sooner or later.