Beginnings and Endings. They're Both Terrible

I mean. Seriously.

The middle part is always the best don't you agree? Not the beginning. Not the end. But in the midst of everything.

Beginnings are always tiring as you have to do everything all over again when you meet all these brand new faces and environments. The fact that you have to adjust to the environment and people around for only a fixed amount of time. I mean. It's absurd cos when it ends, you're going to start at the beginning again. With new faces. New surroundings. Sume bende baru la. ALL OVER AGAIN.

But then again., you can't really do anything about it kann?

I know for a fact that it's a part of life and it's somehow, a mandatory thing to do but I just get tired of it sometimes ya' know?

My foundation is ending in a month's time and though I can't wait for the assignments and exams to be complete and finished, never have the thought of wanting to end foundation cross my mind. well. Except at the beginning though.

The start of my foundation year was really horrible. I almost felt glad that foundation was only for a year. I had no friends, no cliques or whatever and everyone underestimated me. Thinking I was just some girl who got lucky to be able to enter TESL. And when Syasya moved to Intec, things felt harder to me as I no longer have my closest friend here.

But like I said. Beginnings are always the hardest. And so is the end.

As time goes by. I made friends. Friends that I can rely on, that I could go through everything together with, and at the end of the third month, I had wished for foundation to be much much longer. I was having too much fun.

Now, with just the blink of an eye, we're reaching the end of our journey. It's hard. To end something that you feel so good about. To end something that you wish with all your heart to go on longer.

Beginnings are the hardest.

But the endings.


They're the worst.

Silly Thoughts. Dumb Feelings. Ridiculous Actions.

I do this almost 23 hours everyday, and it just kills me to realize that I'm not that mature after all. I keep thinking I am mature enough for my age. But well, as always. Assumptions that went too far.

I realize I'm still as sensitive as I used to be. Tempered as I used to be. And everything else that I thought I had improvised over the last five years seems to be just a mere fantasy of my own.

In one way or another, yes, I have improved. But it seemed to be very little. Too little to compare to all the sacrifices I have made to change myself.

Always. To be a better person, I ignored a lot of things that greatly disturb my mind. I smiled away all those anger I've been boiling up inside. And if there's one thing I thought I had DEFINITELY change is the fact that I'm not as sensitive as I used to be.

How wrong I was!
Really wrong.

Can I not just be the better person? Can I just be who I want to be? Can I just do things the way I want them to?

Or does that mean I'm being arrogant?

...

...

Self-War

It's not just you. I think everybody has that feeling once in a while. 

Self-war. 

Having this battle inside of you that only you know of. And the fact that you can't tell anybody makes it immensely harder. 

Sometimes you wonder if it's just you and your head, or is it really happening and everybody is in on it.  Sometimes, you keep it inside for far too long that it kills you to even smile everyday. But you do anyway.

Everyone has a battle with themselves everyday I think.

I can't even begin to describe how extraordinarily painful this feeling is. Especially when you don't know if it's real, or just a fragment of your imagination. It's just one of those things that I think everyone would feel at least once in their life. The only difference would be the situation and the people involved.

But there's one thing you need to know.

Your presence is important. It doesn't matter who you are and what you're like. Allah puts you there for an important reason. He never makes mistakes and you just have to have faith that all His doings are for your own good.

If you feel neglected by your own bestfriends, or family even, then you know what? So be it. Be independent and live your life as you should. Cos that's the most important thing. And if everybody DO decide to neglect you one day. Ingat, ALLAH will NEVER neglect you. As long as you don't neglect Him.

My friend,
You have no idea how your important your presence are to us. Everything would be different if you weren't a part of us.The fact that you even feel neglected saddens me in so many ways. I would never expect you to feel that way and I would never want you to EVER.

And I have no idea why would you ever fell that way. Trust me, you are one of the most one of a kind person I know. Period.

The only reason you feel everybody is superior than you is because you can't see the progress you're making yourself. And the fact that you have very low self-esteem encourage that a lot too.

Having low self-esteem is not going to get you anywhere, in fact it will only hold you back. Like hell.

There's a difference between having low self-esteem and being humble. VERY big difference.

You already stand out from the millions of crowd. All you need now is the confidence to flaunt what you got.

Get out there. Get your confidence. Stand straight. And make the world proud. :)

Specially for,

Our biggest SNSD fan. :)

Some Poeple Just Don't Have It

And. Yeah.

Some people just don't have it I guess. And you have to work really hard to get what you want.

Words can't really explain how excruciatingly painful it is to watch someone with a natural talent for writing is only using it for leisure time purpose and they're out there doing greater things with what other talents they have within themselves.

It's even more painful to see the talent that you wish you have so much is pass down to your younger sister and not you. While you, try as hard as you can to excel in drawing, it never paid off. 

It is worse when a close friend of yours is better at writing than you are and she doesn't even need to try. While you're having a hard time just to remember all those vocabs you just read in a book. Let alone use them in your essays.

And then it gets even more depressing when your hard work only brings you so far. 

THEN, just when you're about to get back on your wobbly feet, you hear words like "there's always going to be someone better than you" 

And you know these words are for those who think that they'll always be the best. But what about you?! You're not even the best and you're just beginning to rise up to the challenge again! And then those words comes out and it just crushes you all over.

AGAIN.

Yes. You believe in hard work. And giving up is not an option. 

A talent is a talent.

A gift is a gift.

But hard work.

It pays off hell of a lot more.

So damn you people with gifts. 

Dear My Rainbow

Sigh...

So this guy I've been crushing on for two years.

Well not so much of a crush..

More like someone I've admired for so long.

Admire, Love and Cared about.

It started off as a crush on another guy.
I nicknamed him MUFFIN.
I liked muffin a lot...like seriously....a lot...
Till it got to the point where I thought he might have found out about it.

They say the only way to get over a guy is to like another guy.
So in order for me to get over muffin
I focused on my other crush...whom also i really like.
I nicknamed him,
"Rainbow"


At first, it was merely a crush...
But as time goes on...he just takes my breath everytime I saw him.
i was so hypnotize by him
that my little crush turned into something much much bigger.

Lemme just show how in love i was with Rainbow

I HAVE NEVER

1. bAke cupcakes for a human being. let alone a guy
2.  Buy a T-shirt that I carefully picked with my dearest bestfriend Ammera Hadi
3. Secretly gave a guy a keychain with the meaning of his name on it
4. and last but not least...confess to the guy that I like right infront of his face.

I have never done these things before...and I did it...Just because it was him. Just because it was Rainbow.
JUST BECAUSE IT WAS HIM.

I swallowed my ego and my pride and told him that i like him just because it was him

It's amazing what love can do to people huh??

You knw what the only problem was??
He didn't have any feelings for me.

And that's ok.
When I got into this...i knew the risk i have to face,
and one of the biggest is tht he wouldn't have any feelings for me.
And i have to accept that.

though he never reciprocated my feelings
I was still irrevocably in love with him.
everytime we chatted on facebook, or text on the phone..
My heart beats like crazy that i wish he could hear how fast it was beating.

i like being friends with him...i really do...
That's why i never jeopardize our friendship by pushing him further into something tht he doesn't want
i didn't want to lose the friendship because of something this silly.

Probably my text messages means nothing to him.
he never knew how much i value HIS text messges.
whether it's a wish for raya, my bday, or a new year's wish...i value it all...
cos it shows...yes...we do have a friendship.
yes he knows I like him...and yes I know he doesn't like me back....
but we still are very good friends.
And that's enough to make me feel ok.
Not happy or content but satisfied enough.

When I text him...i never compliment him..
instead i always highlights his imperfections,
i always insult him and never actually say nice things about him to him
because i don't want him to think i worship him.
i don't want him to think that I admire him that much.
The fact is I do.
 I did it because I was trying to hide those feelings from him.

Some may say I'm crazy...and maybe even he thinks I'm crazy..
But hey..
this is me...and I can't change what i am or what i feel for someone....

I never told him that I was in love with him.
he knew that I like him. But he didn't know it was more than that.
I didn't wanna ruin our friendship so I kept it shut.
I'm scared he'd think he's giving me hopes if he keeps contacting me so tht's why i never told him i was in love with him.
When the fact is...it doesn't matter if he gave me hope or not...
i was in love and nothing could change that. i know there was no hope.
none at all...

Yes I know...you guys will say...aww don worry shamin...you'll find someone much better than this jerk...
the fact is...i don't know that...none of us knows that..
what i know is that...even though he doesn't return my feelings..
he's still a very good guy...
and he's anything but a jerk....
so any girl would be lucky to have him.
the luckiest girl in the world in fact.

he told me that he reconnects with his old love.
and he asked me if it's ok if he tells me this.
and i said i was ok.
though inside my heart was burnt with fury.
but i knew...
If i wanted to get over him...i have to hear this...
so that when i know he is with someone else..
then i can let go of him a little easier.
I cried the night he told me this..
but i know...
If I love him...i'd just want to see him happy. (:


So to Rainbow, If you're reading this,
First of all, Congrats and best of luck at UIA. I know you'll do great. You always do anyway. ^^
I know that you know that it is you i'm talking about. lol.
There's so much I want to tell you
But when I get the chance..my tongue gets tongue tied.
Everytime.

Everytime I bumped into you at school...
there's so much things I'd like to say, to joke about.
But again...tongue tied.
cos you just mean that much to me.
I'd like to joke around with you, talk to you like how I do with Muzek, Shah and all my other guy friends..
But I can't.
Cos you're tht special.
and also because you wouldn't talk to me when we see each other.
But thanks...
Thanks for still not ignoring me like all the other jerks when they knew that I like them
Thanks for still being my friend.
thanks for not feeling embarassed because of the fact that I like you.
Thanks.
I may insult you a lot and say a lot of bad things to you and never actually complimented you and always say that you lack in so many things.
but trust me...i do that to every person i love just to hide the fact that I love them.
you are very imperfect...yet you try to make everything work,
That's what got me hooked to you in the very first place.
Thanks for a splendid two years...
And now I will securely locked you in my memory box.

Good luck in UIA
and hope we meet again in the future. ^^

Yeah rainbow??
If you're seeing this...please don't be scared...lol,