7 years later

There is one Dua Lipa song called "No Goodbyes". It was one those songs in her self-titled album that I could relate to in so many different levels. Mainly because it was somehow reflecting what I was feeling towards a certain someone. Or rather what I feel about the situation surrounding us. 

The lyric goes "Maybe one day I can see you, We can smile and wave and it'll be okay. Maybe one day it'll be cool and we could just be friends without the complication that it brings when we start saying things. " And I held on to those particular lyrics for so long hoping it would come true. 

I guess it's no news to anyone that I had been in love with the same dude since my high school days. And for a long time, I had a hard time of actually moving on. It took me so long, to numb down the feelings I had for this guy and it took me longer to realize, after 5 years, that maybe all I was in love with is just the feeling and not him anymore.  Even then, I still wasn't so sure of myself. I still wasn't sure that I have completely moved on. Even if it's been 7 years. 

Earlier this year, a friend of mine told me about his engagement and out of nowhere I just cried.  I was in the office and the tears couldn't help but flow. The funny thing was in the beginning, I didn't even know why I cried. I wasn't sad but I was definitely not happy either because I knew in my heart then, that I wasn't in love with this man anymore. So why the hell did the tears form? 

It wasn't until later that I realize I was upset. Upset that he found happiness before me. Upset that he found someone who he can call a soulmate before I did. Call me petty but I suffered more. I suffered hell of a lot more because of all the moving on that I had to do. I carried around this heartache for so many years before it decided to heal. And he didn't need to go through all that because he was never in love with me as I was with him. I don't blame him. I don't hate him. But I couldn't help but feel a little bit of resentment and frustration that he found someone to love before I do. And he did that in the span of years it took me to move on.

Thank goodness that feeling only lasted for a few days because I would feel like an utter sore loser if it lasted till now.  And then a week ago happened. Exactly a week ago. 

I was at the mall when I saw him. He was coming from the opposite direction, and at first glance I immediately recognized him. He looked different, a lot more filled and slightly fairer and for a second there I almost thought I got the wrong person. But I kept looking at him and there was no way it wasn't him. I guess, within those 7 years I changed a lot too because the whole time our path crossed he didn't even look at me once. It was like I was just another face in the crowd that he couldn't care less about. Like always. Like it always had been. 

I called his name. After 7 years, I called his name because I was calling him. And it didn't hurt one bit. Strange. 

He turned around, saw me and we both smiled and said hi. We asked each other what the other is up to and it was surprising to hear that he was actually residing in cyberjaya while I in sepang. What are the odds huh. I noticed he was with his sister and parents. That was the first time I've ever met his family. Who would've thought that the first time I met his parents was after all that happened between us has long gone and disappeared. 

I congratulated him on his engagement and to my surprise it was genuine. He said thank you and smiled sheepishly. He looked so happy and I was glad. 

After that we said our goodbyes and went out separate ways. I saw him, we smiled and wave and we were okay. It was cool that we could just be friends, or rather acquaintances without any complications. 

I realized the whole time that I was talking to him, I didn't feel hurt, sad, or even angry. I just felt excited that I finally saw him again after all these years and I was able to talk to him without my feelings getting in the way. My heart felt so lighthearted and the adrenaline that came with it was because of how unexpected our meeting was.  

As soon as I got back home, I texted hazreeni and told her what happened. I called Jibah reliving the entire moment. I realized through retelling the story, I have completely moved on. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, heck even physically. It may have took me 7 years but I'm finally there. I moved on. And that without falling in love for someone else, which is what I stood behind for so many years. That you can't completely move on until you found someone else to be in love with. That fateful meeting with him proved that wrong. 

For the first time in, ever. I was able to say "I'm fine." and mean it. 

Only Means of Communication.

It's been two weeks since I first entered and the longing to connect with the outside world fades as the days grew longer. Thank goodness. I never thought I could live without a phone for two weeks but here I am.

I found some good friends here and I have made some good progress since my first day.

It feels good because the friends I made here actually understand what I'm going through as they are going through things themselves. We don't judge and we don't try to give each other advices. And we never say "Yeah we all go through the same thing" because we know despite the fact that we are all going through treatments, depending on one's circumstances and situations, none of us are going through the exact same journey. And saying that we do is an offense to everybody's unique, individual journey here. This is by far the best realization I have made here.

I'm still alive.

I'm struggling here but I'm alive.

That's all you need to know for now.


Till next time outside world.


p.s ramadhan's here btw.

It's the effort that matters?

I tried my hardest to keep the resolution I made at the beginning of the year. Believe me. I tried. So very hard. 

Due to forces of certain circumstances though, I wasn't able to keep my resolution. I am trying though. Although I might not blog on the day itself I'd try my best to make sure that each day has an entry. Even if I have to blog about it a day or two after said day. 

I mean it's the effort that matters right? 

So I'm still keeping my resolution right? 

RIGHT?

To Do List

• PET 225
• Group Video Assignment (Syud, Shamin, Caca, Auni, Lijah)

• QMT 222 
• One minute animation (with Moli)
• Have to include motion tween, classic tween, shape tween, bone tool and sound element
• Due 26th May 2015

• HXE 229
• Report Assignment (with Olivia)

• LAK 100
• Oral Dialogue Test

• QMT 213E
• Interview Video (Serena, Shamin, Mira)
• 15 minutes
• Persuasive Video (Serena, Shamin, Mira)
• 30 minutes

• Stop Procrastinating
• Hell that ain't gon happen but please make an effort at least min. 

The End Game

No one knows. And that's what terrifies me the most. Because my end games never ended well. And I was forced to live with what is left.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days honestly but I will blog about each day right after this one. Things have been too hectic and exhaustion took me to the point that I would fall asleep in seconds after I lay down.

Today though.

S just got back to USM. Her brother passed away last week. And I was worried for when gets back as I am not known for being a great comfort to friends. I suck at comforting people and I wonder if she needs it from me. Usually when I go through a hard time, I would prefer it if people leave me be. If they just give me space because honestly that's all I need. And my fault is that everyone else would be the same too. So when a close friend of mine is going through a hard time, I would usually give her space. I won't ask her anything about the matter. I won't try to comfort her. I would just treat her like I would any other day and thinks that she'd appreciate that.

There were just so many deaths happening to the people closest to me nowadays, it made me think how my own end game would be. And would anyone be there to weep for me. And though I already know the answer to that. Though I know no one would. I can't help but ponder upon it. I can't help but sink into a dark realm and stay there. Because it is definitely safer. familiar.

I have lost all desire to be one half of a soul. For my soul was ripped apart as soon as I was born and what's left is this hollowed body.

I have lost all desire to escape. For everywhere I turn there is no window. no door. not even a hole that would allow me to. For every place I venture allows me no escape and the only thing I can do is endure. For that is what I have been doing for a long time.

Some may doubt my words. Some may believe. Some may outright laugh.

And so from there I know I have no one but myself. And that is the one place I wish to escape from the most.

Georgetown. paper balls. and a killer game.

And here I thought St. John couldn't be any more demanding. 

It is the second day of KKI and I know I say this a lot, but I have never been so exhausted in my life. It was a day packed with walking and exploring and more walking, and more and more. 

And more. 

The day started with us going to Georgetown. We were given missions to accomplish while walking around Georgetown. So that is already half a day of walking.

When we got back we only had an hour of rest before continuing with explorace around USM. 

And then that night it was a killer game they call it. A game where you have to find the killer among a family whose all the sons and daughters are trying to inherit the Mother's inheritance for their own selfish benefit. 

Then the excos had a meeting until late at night. I was only able to go back after 1.30 in the morning. 

Tired would be an understatement. 

And so it begins.

The first day of St. John's Kem Kemahiran Insaniah is today. And one of our final projects before St. John officially comes to an end for me.

The worst thing is that it's only the first day and already I feel like they've drained all energy from my already exhausted body.

Selinkruiner

If someone told me two years ago that a man named Selinker could ruin my entire day just by making the task of understanding his definition of fossilization in second language acquisition so hard I would've laugh my ass off because it would be impossible for any linguistic expert to get anything out of me except the utmost respect for their contribution in language development.

But Selinker proved me wrong. 

Cos I'm not mentally ready,

These upcoming weeks will be hell.

And I'm denying to myself that I am ready.


When in actual fact.

I can break down in seconds.

She lost a dear one.

And I hope she's doing alright.

I hope she stays strong.

I hope she's alright

My condolences to the whole family.

And my heart goes out to you especially.

Already?

May.

We are already entering what I call "the middle months". The most hardcore months throughout the whole year.

I've always felt that the hardest months to go through are the months of June, July, and August. And the fact that we've already reached May and it only takes another four weeks before June comes is incredibly daunting.

My emotional state is on the brink of losing control and currently I am just waiting for it to combust. Everything is just double the sensitivity, double the offense and double the hurt. And there's nothing I can really do about it as I wasn't programmed to be ice cold no matter how much I wish I were. 

My financial status is at its worse (though I don't know how it could actually get any worse than last year's. Apparently it is possible.)

Don't even talk about my work progress. I tried to erase procrastination as my middle name but all efforts seemed useless. 

It's just another May. 

Missing.