Hi Dal,

By the time you read this, you're probably already in Hertfordshire, awaiting. preparing for your next journey. 

Being an avid language enthusiast, I can't help but use dramatic adjectives so as you continue on reading, if you find things a little bit too cheesy, cringy or dramatic, do ignore my dramatic ass lol. 

This, is my personal blog. Only a few people know about its existence and those who don't are only able to find it through accident searches or if they really want to stalk me. 

I don't usually tell people about my blog because it is a personal space. A personal space where my deepest thoughts can roam free and those who read it are usually people who are free of judgmental opinions. A personal space that lets me say the silliest reflections without the getting the side-eyes from society's norm rules. A place that lets me experience the irony of being personal yet putting it in a space where the public's eye can constantly watch.

But I guess you've become important enough to me that I feel comfortable enough to share my most important space. I know you enough to know that you will never judge what has been written here. (Which takda apa sangat pun lol but well, you never know) 

You know, I used to think that the affection I give to people has to be equally reciprocated by the other person and if I don't receive as much as I give then that person isn't worth fighting for. That person deserve neither attention nor my time. And I've always been hurt by the fact that I always trust people too easily or give more than what I'm supposed to. And due to my possessive and twisted definition of love, I almost lost all of my friends. 

Which is why for a long time, I have always guarded my heart. Keep people at a distance. Make sure nobody knows that they can hurt me eventhough they already did. 

Took months of therapy and self reflection to finally realise that love is selfless. and if I expect to receive when I give. Then that is not love, it is just a barter system. When you do something out of genuine feelings, then there shouldn't be any feelings of needing that person to give back the same amount. That was the first time I realize that maybe my parents love me after all. Always giving without really expecting me to repay all the things they have done for me. 

I finally learn to do that with my friends. To give without expecting anything back. It was hard and still is and I still find myself reluctant to do things for people I KNOW in my heart do not cherish me as much as I cherish them. But I'm trying. I'm trying to be selfless as I can be. 

I know we haven't known each other for very long. But during the short time that I've gotten to know you, I don't know why, how, or what this is, but I've always felt that I could be open to you about things. Like something that tells me she'd listen to what I have to say, and she wouldn't judge. Something that tells me we were supposed to find each other and be friends. Maybe because I know a person who could be with Bangtan since the beginning, a group that special, is probably special too.

And whatever I may or may not have done for you, it was the first time I never felt like I need to be reciprocated back. I just did it because I want to. It was the first time I didn't have to try. And because of that you're sort of special. 

Back then, when I was stanning bangtan, it was hard because I had no one to talk to about them. I had no one to talk to about the meaning of their lyrics and what it means to millions of others who listen to them. And when I met you, it was like stanning them for the first time all over again. It was like I finally found someone who understands I guess.  

And as we cry through the fact that we weren't able to see them during Wings tour and Speak Yourself.  As we cry when we listen to Young Forever being sung at Wembley, as we made a promise to one day, go to their concert together. I have never felt more determined to keep a promise. I have never felt the need to actually make a dream come true. Us in the concert stadium, waving our army bombs, crying while fanchanting our hearts out and going home with our wrecked souls content and happy.

Maybe our friendship is a temporary fate. And maybe it could also be a long-lasting friendship that neither of us could've foreseen. But I just need you to know that I value you a lot and having you around as a friend and a fellow army has been one of the best blessings in my life. (see? dramatic . -.-)

I just would like to apologize if during the course of our short time together, I have hurt you with my actions, or words or anything at all regardless of it being unintentional.  These words somehow are hard to form on my dry chapped lips, and I know the only way I will be brave enough to say all of this to you is through the one place I have always been brave enough to say things that are usually stuck in my throat. 

I  don't know where the future will take me and I don't know whether I will be in yours. But I intend to work hard to make sure you will still be there in mine :) 

Have fun in UK. Stay safe. Be happy. Find yourself and make sure you speak yourself. I will always be just a call or text away if you need anything and support you from afar. 

Maybe I'm being too sentimental.Maybe I'm saying too much. Maybe you don't even feel as much as I do lol. But if there's anything I learn from rehabilitation sessions, it's that don't ever regret not saying things that you should have. 

Plus I'm a Sagittarius I can't help but be an emotional sap -.-

Sincerely, 

Min

What a relief.

Min Yoongi once said this. 

"What a relief, that we are seven. 

What a relief, that we are together."

And at that time I shed tears because of what it meant to him and the rest of the group. 

And a few days ago, I shed tears because of what it meant to me personally. 

I went out with meteoras a couple of days ago. It's been a while since we hang out with all six of us. The last time we did it wasn't for a very pleasant reason lol. The original reason why we wanted for everyone to meet was because Jibs will be going to Japan next month as a part of her exchange program, but Bat had something bigger in mind. 

She finally gave us our Bridesmaid invitations. And the long impending wedding date. I knew she had already started on wedding preparations, I just didn't expect it to be this year and this soon too. 

19.10.19.  The perfect date for a wedding. 

And as we ate and chat and share stories to celebrate our friend's good news, I leaned back and realize what a relief that we are still the six of us. What a relief that we could still be together. 

Because I don't know what I would've done if we weren't.

nine to five

Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes

Roads that tirelessly greet me every morning,
Engine angrily grumbles as it wakes up.
Distorted faces hidden by the same tasteless coffees.
And the piles of papers demanding to be sorted.

Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes
Alarm, tootbrush, name tag, shoes

Roads that have now become annoyed with the same mundane presence
Engine threatening to explode by the frequent disrupt awakenings.
Distorted faces that disappear among hollowed corridors.
And the piles of papers demanding to be killed.

Shoes, nightgown, pillows, contentment.

-Vise Leau

Romeo And Juliet

Falling in love at 13 and people call it puppy love.
That it doesn't matter.
It will never matter.
And they are the same spirits that romanticize Romeo and Juliet.

Falling in love at 20 but people can no longer have trust.
He loves her, but he loves her too.
She loves him, but not as much as she loves him.
And they are the same spirits that believe love comes with honesty and maturity.

Falling in love at 30 and people rush towards it because time is now a fiend.
He's good enough, I guess.
She'll do.
Beggars can't be choosers.
And they are the same souls that believes a soul is specially made for another.

Falling in love at 40 are for people who have nothing to lose.
A second chance at love they say.
Or it could be a moment of that long awaited "finally"
And they are the few lucky souls that truly understand romeo and juliet..

- Vise Leau

Only Means of Communication.

It's been two weeks since I first entered and the longing to connect with the outside world fades as the days grew longer. Thank goodness. I never thought I could live without a phone for two weeks but here I am.

I found some good friends here and I have made some good progress since my first day.

It feels good because the friends I made here actually understand what I'm going through as they are going through things themselves. We don't judge and we don't try to give each other advices. And we never say "Yeah we all go through the same thing" because we know despite the fact that we are all going through treatments, depending on one's circumstances and situations, none of us are going through the exact same journey. And saying that we do is an offense to everybody's unique, individual journey here. This is by far the best realization I have made here.

I'm still alive.

I'm struggling here but I'm alive.

That's all you need to know for now.


Till next time outside world.


p.s ramadhan's here btw.

90 KG

I weigh 90 kg. Nine. TY. NINE ZERO.

The heaviest weight I have ever been and it feels terrible. You start to wonder when did it even happen. When did eating becomes a burden. 

I'm starting my diet again. I don't have this obsession with being super skinny anymore and I don't really mind being thicc but 90 kg is just.. 

My clothes don't fit anymore. I find it much harder to do physical things. I start binging on so many sugary treats. It all makes sense and yet it doesn't. I haven't been eating more. I haven't changed my eating habits. Not since I stopped dieting a few years ago. But why do I keep on putting more and more weight?

Dieting and exercising is probably one of the hardest things I try to commit myself to. Which is why I quit halfway through my diet project a few years ago. How I wish I hadn't but I guess even then I wasn't strong enough to go through anything till the end. But it wasn't on purpose. I didn't quit on purpose nor did I want to. It just happened.

I guess it's time for me to realize I'm not 16 anymore. I can't just eat anything and everything and expect myself to stay skinny like all my other friends. It just doesn't work for me that way. 

Late Night Thoughts.

The night air tickles your neck and you baby hairs dance in a whimsy. And then you realize it's two in the morning and a switch in your mind is turned on, waking up the after midnight thoughts that are commonly associated with self-loathing and a more than dire need to reevaluate your self-worth. If you have any at all. 

My biological clock has been turned upside down due to recent events which is no event at all therefore allowing my brain and my inner self to believe that I can sleep and wake up whenever I want hence making after midnight as awake hours. 

I'm in a self dilemma where I don't know whether I like being awake in the middle of the night or if it's much preferable to be awake at these troubling hours. 

Old.

The only thing new about a new year is THE YEAR. YOU get older. The earth gets older and that goes for everything in it as well. Nothing is new and we forget that everything is dying and desperately need our attention because we're too focused on the fact that it's a new year hence it comes with the obligation that we are to create new memories, new adventures, events, memes, challenges, trends. buildings, campaigns and while we compete with one another on who can be the NEWEST original. 

The world dies a little more inside. And that kinda terrifies me. It feels like a cancer patient who wouldn't or couldn't tell her family about her condition because she's afraid the effect it might have on them but they themselves should have noticed the symptoms, the signs and pay more attention to her yet they are too absorbed in their own achievements, problems, goals to notice what the lack of attention is doing to her well being and when it's all too late-

well. it's all too late. 

SO happy new year folks. 

Random Things About Me

Just cause I read one of my friend's blog and I feel like doing it myself. 

1. When I said I believe in the existence of mermaids, I truly mean it. 

2. There's only one person I would sacrifice anything for and he doesn't exist in this world.

3. I love rain. Like L.O.V.E. The heavier the better.

4. I believe that when I finally meet someone who truly loves me back he would run away once I reveal every part of me. And I will because I don't want him to stay under any illusion

5. Birthdays are very important to me. Like super. If I had all the money in the world I would probably spend a fortune on it on all of my best people. 

6. Anyone who knows me well knows that I love dark coloured lipsticks, From the darkest green to the hollowest black. 

7. I prefer ketchup over chilli sauce because it simply tastes better. But most of the time I don't prefer both of the sauce in any of my food. 

8. Evanescence is my music soulmate and Amy Lee is my familiar. 

9. Misanthropic since '00

10. I am a 3 in 1. If you know what I mean. 

11. I don't believe in positivity and survive on negativity because life works better when you anticipate the worst. 

12. I look up to Bellatrix Lestrange. She is the ultimate master. 

13. And of course Helena Bonham Carter is my all time favourite actress. 

14. Harry Potter is life. It was the beginning of my memories and it will forever be the one thing I go back to when I need to feel a sense of belonging.  

15. Slytherin all the way. 

16. The fact that I may never go abroad. That I may never get the chance to live and work there terrifies me. It terrifies me greatly. 

17. Most of my closest friends may have gone through this mandatory phase of mine. At one point, as I get real close to a person I would then have a phase where I feel suffocated by their presence and I would do anything to avoid them at all cost. This will usually last for about two or three weeks. idk why but it's something I cannot help and I will go through it with every person that I'm close to. And within that phase, they either stay or leave me permanently. I don't really mind either since it is my own fault.

18. I'm allergic to skinship. I try not to be and sometimes when people do skinship I try to let it be but only merlin knows how every hair on my body was standing up.

19. I have trouble expressing my gratitude, fondness or love for someone because I can't and probably will never because I was never used to it and I did not grow up with it. So I don't go around and throw words like 'love' and 'best friends' at simply anyone. In fact I hardly ever say those words to anyone.

20. If I had to show my gratitude and appreciation, it will usually come in the form of actions or gifts.

21. I believe everyone will leave if they ever find out the real truth about me so I try to keep them all at a distance.

22. My parents gave pretty harsh treatments as I was growing up but it made me the person that I am today and I'm always conflicted on whether to feel thankful or resentful. I guess the former is a better way to look at things.

23. I feel like I'm independent enough and I aspire to be a full independent woman but I would then realize how much I'm still relying on everyone around me and that sucks big time.

24. I like dark chocolate best.

25. I want to be so skinny people would whisper how skinny I am behind my back.

26. Materialistic and I'm not ashamed of it.

27. Amazingly horrible at lying.

28. Sarcasm is not a defense mechanism, it's an involuntary habit of mine. Well it used to be and it has dialed down a lot since then but I'm trying very hard to make it a habit again.

29. Believe it or not, my arch enemies in high school are now some of the people I can't live without.

30. My biggest and I MEAN BIGGEST pet peeve is people who love to give spoilers. Like I would literally give them the silent treatment if they ever do it on purpose.

31. I used to be an indoor kinda girl but as I grow older I develop a fascination for outdoor activities. That being said doesn't mean I don't love to stay indoor for a whole month and read fanfiction because of course I do.

32. I think I'm only pretty in photos because anyone can look good in photos.

33. Selfies. Lots of em.

34. I had maids until I was fourteen and I was closer to them than I was with my own my family.

35. Once you really get to know you'll figure out how dull my personality really is.

36. My favourite meal at McDonald's is the quarter pounder and I will forever hold a grudge against McDonald till they bring that burger back.

37. If anyone asks me of my closeness with my siblings I will say that the extent of our relationship is simply a biological one.

38. The one consistency in my life is my existence. And so that will forever be my first priority.

39. Sometimes I think people are too judgmental over music and I find such people big phonies.

40. Out of all the people I've met in my entire life, there was only one that truly understood me even without me telling how I really felt and it used to scare me sometimes how she easily decipher my hidden feelings and if there is one person I regret not keeping in touch with after boarding school ended it would be this person.

41. I have a thing for vintage items and pin-up fashion.

42. My shoe size is 10 or 11 and though I have an undying love for stilettos and pretty footwear, they probably hate the way my feet looks cos it's so hard to find a size that truly fits my feet.

43. Studying and living abroad is not something I figured I'd wanna do in my adolescent years and also not because I think my country is at a horrible state or anything(even though it is). I want to do it since I knew it was possible (which was at the age 12) because I was never happy here. Not even as a kid.

44. If my religion had allowed it, I probably would've ventured into performing arts and singing rather than language.

45. I believe a huge part of my self esteem issue comes from the fact that my sisters were skinnier and prettier while I was the bridget jones in the family,

46. My anger has three stages. The first level is when I scream and shout. The second level becomes a silent treatment. The third level is full ignorance and cutting you off from my life because I don't get that angry too often.

47. My favourite part of my body is my hair. I cherish them above every other body parts.

48. I've always loved long hair. I hated my childhood years cos my mom would force us to all get the same short ear length haircut. It was ok for my sisters cos they had straight hair but I was curly and so looked extra ugly with that hair. I despised short hair since then.

49. I need at least three or four pillows to sleep comfortably.

50. Second child syndrome. 

Something To Offer

When I used to ponder over what a blog is, I used to think that it's a place that one owns and the purpose of it is to make it whatever one wants it to be. A personal space that gives one every right to write and do anything one's heart wishes to do. And it still is. 

That being said, I once read a blog that discussed about the main purpose of blogging. It pissed me off when the blogger said what's the purpose of blogging if you're only going to share your daily mishaps and routines? Like do you think people are really that interested? 

My counterattack to this statement is that you never know when you can be an inspiration to someone. Or indirectly helped someone in need when he or she reads your blog. Humans are mysterious beings and like many things, they work in mysterious ways. Often in ways we never understand. 

The past few weeks of leisure time however has got me re-thinking about my own blog. When I first started blogging, fourteen and still in my I-know-everything phase, I did it because I was a teenage girl who seeks approval from the society and I thought I was interesting enough that people would actually care about my pathetic teenage indecisive life. This, went on for the next three years. It was horrible. If you trace back my old blog posts you will judge this soul so hard you'd click the close tab in no second. And don't even talk about all the grammar errors I made. Yet at that time I had the audacity to think I was a genius prodigy in the English Language just because I always score a tad bit higher than everybody else in exams. What a load of bull fourteen year old self. 

I grew up, thank goodness, corrected what needs to be corrected and learnt from things that I can't undo. Honestly, I'm glad I went through my very stupid puberty phase cos if I didn't I would probably go through it NOW, at this age. I've seen someone gone through puberty at a later age, specifically a person by the name Britney Spears and it is not pretty. No one is going to take bullshits from you anymore and you either get kicked by someone or thrown into the dumpster cos you have too much bull so the dumpster is the only place anyone would allow you to be until you sort things out. 

With growing up comes responsibilities, maturity(yeah that comes in pieces tho), and a lot of time spent on re-evaluating life and the path you're walking on. People say your 20s are your best years and it is best to use it wisely because you only have 10 of them. I didn't think much of it back then cause I was 19 and my 20s were just about to start. But entering 22 had gotten me to think back on a few things. I started to worry about the limited time I have left. I got terrified thinking that I might not do anything worthwhile in my 20s and the one thing that live to tell the tale would be this blog. It's a black and white evidence that I've wasted three years of my twenties away. And I only have Six left! 

I want this blog to be a place I described my adventures. The things I see, the people I meet, the unexpected misfortunes I stumble upon (cause let's face it I'm a bad luck charm and there's no way to go around it). I want my own adventures to give me inspirations to write beautiful article pieces. Something that is actually worth reading and be spread to others who need a good read. I talk about changing my fate, sharing the world with how I see it should be, and discuss the possibilities of millions of different opinions and solutions we face in our youth with other brilliant minds scattered throughout the world because that is what the internet is originally for. To connect people when it seemed impossible back in the ages where life was simpler and clothes were prettier. 

And because personally, I want it for myself. As evidence in the future that I've done some amazing things in my 20s. That why this blog is here. That's why I keep its existence. But three years have past and all that talk about wanting to write about book and movie reviews and what it taught me, about the cultures I find fascinating and how it compares to our own, about feminism and why I take my stand in it, about society's liberality and how far it should and should not have gone. All that talk and the only thing the past three years has shown me that it was just that. talk. It's all for naught. 

Hell I don't even look at the morning newspaper, and my idea of checking the news in the morning is my kpop timeline on twitter. I should probably start with that first. And I expect myself to excel in job interviews with the little general knowledge I have in my brain? Yeah.  I should probably drill that in my head too in case I ever want to drift away again and think life is good enough when you have a bed and an education, which honestly is nothing much these days because everybody has an education. It's a matter of how you plan to do what when your education is not going to cut it. 

So here I am. Writing this because I refuse to let the years I have left proved me right. That I'm good for nothing and I've not done anything with my life accept complain about how miserable everything is and I am getting nowhere while my friends are. Let this post be a reminder of how much more I intend to achieve in my twenties. And let my blog be a reminder that I have to go out there and experience the world because there's a blog waiting for me to share my stories. That I need new stories. 

Long-Term Success Does Not Come Easy.

Haih losing weight is so hard. Especially when you're staying at your parents' house and all food are at your disposal YET the only healthy food they have are eggs and wholemeal bread. And you being the broke student do not have any money to buy healthy non-fattening food to go with your calorie and metabolism diet. So you see, I had to work with what I've got and it's Di-ffi-cult. 

Especially because the staple food in this house is WHITE RICE WHICH IS A BIG NO IN THE DIET AND HEALTHY WORLD. And because I usually take my rice enough for two skinny ladies, now that I'm cutting my calorie, I have to cut down the proportion to half of what I usually take. And I can't eat dinner later than 9 if I can help it because I need 4 hours of not eating anything before I go to bed. And whatever protein that is available is either usually oily, or fattening. But I have no other choice. Either that or I starve which is WORSE because that would just ruin my metabolism rate. 

So you see, a healthy diet is hard when you're poor. Not impossible. 

But hard. 

Cos all the healthy foods are expensive af. If I had money I could easily but lotsa lotsa of protein for breakfast and lunch and eat two big grilled salmon instead of rice and a fish cos I have to share the protein with the rest of the house as well. Grr. And then for dinner I could easily pop some fruits in my mouth cos those things are very fulfilling. I once ate a whole apple for dinner and I was full for the rest of the night. 

But because there's so many great food in the house and I can't really tell what my mom is going to cook the next day, I would slip through the cracks and eat too much and regret it for my whole life an hour later. (I gobbled down four plates of nasi lemak today guilty af) And I can't get any exercising done cos my daily exercise used to involve me cleaning my room and now my room has no more mess to clean up.

I get frustrated at times cos I see no progress and I know that I just started this thing so I can't expect to see any results in at least another three months. Which frustrates me in another way. But I know long term success do not come easy and if it does, it won't last. Experienced it first hand. 

I get tired. Frustrated. And the teasing that comes from my friends when we go out to eat is not helping at all. But I have to pull through . I have to prove to myself that I can do this. That I am more than just my own words and I can do anything if I set my mind to it. And I need to do this.

 I believe that this could help me in achieving another step to love myself. Particularly because loving one self is not one that comes easily when you've spent your whole life resenting your own existence.

A Bad Luck Charm's Dream (Part 1)

I hope when you finally meet me you would be captivated by the beauty I solely possess. You would get cold feet and stumble on all your words because somehow the stare that I exude from my eyes locked your throat and turned off your coherence. ,

I'd like to assume you will find it adorable that my laugh comes out shaky and my eyes wander to weird place because you know I am just nervous as you are. And you let out a quiet breathe of relief because at least you're not the only one feeling very much out of place. At least you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling the present chemistry between the two people currently standing there. 

Our first date would be more awkward than a mermaid learning how to walk for the first time on her new legs but when the moon announces its presence and the wind of the night clouds above us signals the inevitable end to our date, you would still say you enjoyed it and cannot wait for our next date. Surprising yourself at how true those words are. And I'd smile and bid goodnight without being able to say anything else because how do I tell you that it was the best night of my life?  

When You Can't Afford To Be Lazy Anymore.

I'm 22. Graduating my degree next year and I have absolutely no savings. I blame no one but myself and if I had started saving much earlier I would probably don't need to worry about not having enough money to travel. Or to just survive in college in general.

But I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it now.

But to do nothing about it is no longer an option and if I don't start now I would forever be living under the mercy of my parents and friends and I just can't let that happen. Ever. Especially when I always think of myself as someone who can be independent when she wants to be.

These few months of semester break have given me time to reflect on myself and think about my current condition. I realize I'm nowhere near the place I wish I'd be at this age. The result of dreaming too much till you didn't get anything done to realize that dream.

Staying sane.

It's difficult. When you live among a community that does not believe mental illness is real. And it is not treated easily.

It is even harder when you have to explain it to the ones closest to you because it's a part of the treatment and see the shift in their eyes and though they said they believe you, the subtle hint of scepticism in their words and their display smiles of "Hey I believe you" are louder than all the screams you freed during you treatment sessions with the doctor.

And you can't do anything except bring your eyes to rest on the view outside the car window and hoped that they forget whatever you told them because it would be easier that way. You know they think you're exaggerating and nothing can't be fixed with a few good night rest.

Then the cycle starts again. You hide yourself. You show the fine side of you whenever you're in their presence and you pretend the medications are helping you and the illness is long gone because you know if you exhibit even the slightest sign of emotional disrupt they would judge you.

"Ugh here we go again. Attention Seeker. " "Is She even real" "She's stupid if she thinks we believe her act"

And the reassurance that they will comfort you because the treatment requires it-it was the main reason you told them, treatment that needs the support of loved ones-is gone. You knew that you won't get the support you wanted but what else could you do? It was what the doctor asked of you and you need every help you can get in getting better. Because if you don't.

You're not sure how you can play the part of staying sane anymore. 

an emotional week.

First week of class hasn't even ended and I'm already so ready to finish the semester. 

ANYWAY, last week had been so emotional it was surreal. It was even worse than the week I found out DBSK split, the week I found out Kris left exo, same goes to the week that Luhan and Tao left exo. 

yes.

it was that bad. 

And the worst part was I didn't even know why. Ok maybe because of THAT THING, but I refuse to believe it was the sole reason that made me soulless and empty for the whole week. It just seemed too pathetic to be affected by it that bad. I need there to be more explanation on why I'm stuck in this numb state. 

I listen to break up songs when I'm not even in a relationship and I got super emotional when I listened to more. Which I did. For 24 hours. Then I would cry my eyes out cos everything feels too much. Then I eat. Then I sleep. I wake up. And repeat the cycle. 

Gawd I was a mess. And I didn't even know why. The aftershock of finding out the news about THAT THING was long gone. And I didn't even feel as sad as I was when I first found out. BUt for some reason, I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop being so emotional and it sucks, 

I feel much better while I'm writing this cos I've been listening to avril lavigne non stop and you know how she is very unapologetic about everything in her songs so yeah it made me feel ten times better again. 

hopefully I never be that weak again. that defeated. I won't and don't want to. It's more than I can take honestly. 

even my post is a mess.

merlin. 

To have a little change

New semester is starting in a few days and I'm not ready for it. 

Well I was never ready for any semesters but it doesn't mean I'm used to it. Especially for this next semester. Honestly I don't think I'll ever be ready for a new semester but I sure would like to. For once I'd like to feel ready for a semester, for anything that will be coming my way.

Ever since I got back from my semester break, I realized how much I've changed for the past few months. Just in terms of how I look at people. And the way I look at my life every single day. And it hit me how different I've become.

And the worst part was, it isn't a good different.

Being around people that really matters to woke me up. How I've become the person I so very much love to condemn once upon a time ago. I want to be the person I used to be. And more. I want to be the person who walk the talk.

And so I wish nothing more for this semester, Except for a little change. in me. even if it as a change to my old self again. 

Keep increasing that word count.

I'm not good at writing. In fact I suck. Big Time. And I hate it. 

I mean the least I could have is natural raw talent that only requires honing. But no I don't even have that. 

I spend all my life, aside from admiring, feeling envy of all the Malaysian authors who are good enough to publish their own work. I envy those who produce such good reading materials that publishing houses feel the need to share it with the world. 

And here I am still stuck with a blog with 2 or 3 readers per year. 

I've thought of quitting many times I lost count. What's the point of continuing if I won't get any better at it? Writing is not a skill you get just by working hard after all. It requires tact, wits, and a whole lot of inner artistry. Which is the one thing I lack most. 

But there is one thing that all  my favourite authors say that stopped me from quitting altogether. 

Most of the authors I have come to admire have always said this when each of them was asked this similar question. 

"How did you get so good at writing? How are you able to produce such work?"

And they always say 

"I didn't stop writing. Even when I had writer's block I never stop. Even when my words seemed rubbish. Even when sentences didn't make sense. Even when everything I wrote felt like it could come out of a middle schooler's book. I never. stop. writing. And that should go for all aspiring writers too. Never stop writing."

That led me to the decisions I made regarding writing. And that is to never stop. No matter if I will never be great at it, or even get any better. But if they, my favourite authors, are able to go so far because they live by those words, 

then why not me.

right?

Meteora's First Birthday Bash : Photos

And last but not least, the short video Bat made for us.