There is one Dua Lipa song called "No Goodbyes". It was one those songs in her self-titled album that I could relate to in so many different levels. Mainly because it was somehow reflecting what I was feeling towards a certain someone. Or rather what I feel about the situation surrounding us.
The lyric goes "Maybe one day I can see you, We can smile and wave and it'll be okay. Maybe one day it'll be cool and we could just be friends without the complication that it brings when we start saying things. " And I held on to those particular lyrics for so long hoping it would come true.
I guess it's no news to anyone that I had been in love with the same dude since my high school days. And for a long time, I had a hard time of actually moving on. It took me so long, to numb down the feelings I had for this guy and it took me longer to realize, after 5 years, that maybe all I was in love with is just the feeling and not him anymore. Even then, I still wasn't so sure of myself. I still wasn't sure that I have completely moved on. Even if it's been 7 years.
Earlier this year, a friend of mine told me about his engagement and out of nowhere I just cried. I was in the office and the tears couldn't help but flow. The funny thing was in the beginning, I didn't even know why I cried. I wasn't sad but I was definitely not happy either because I knew in my heart then, that I wasn't in love with this man anymore. So why the hell did the tears form?
It wasn't until later that I realize I was upset. Upset that he found happiness before me. Upset that he found someone who he can call a soulmate before I did. Call me petty but I suffered more. I suffered hell of a lot more because of all the moving on that I had to do. I carried around this heartache for so many years before it decided to heal. And he didn't need to go through all that because he was never in love with me as I was with him. I don't blame him. I don't hate him. But I couldn't help but feel a little bit of resentment and frustration that he found someone to love before I do. And he did that in the span of years it took me to move on.
Thank goodness that feeling only lasted for a few days because I would feel like an utter sore loser if it lasted till now. And then a week ago happened. Exactly a week ago.
I was at the mall when I saw him. He was coming from the opposite direction, and at first glance I immediately recognized him. He looked different, a lot more filled and slightly fairer and for a second there I almost thought I got the wrong person. But I kept looking at him and there was no way it wasn't him. I guess, within those 7 years I changed a lot too because the whole time our path crossed he didn't even look at me once. It was like I was just another face in the crowd that he couldn't care less about. Like always. Like it always had been.
I called his name. After 7 years, I called his name because I was calling him. And it didn't hurt one bit. Strange.
He turned around, saw me and we both smiled and said hi. We asked each other what the other is up to and it was surprising to hear that he was actually residing in cyberjaya while I in sepang. What are the odds huh. I noticed he was with his sister and parents. That was the first time I've ever met his family. Who would've thought that the first time I met his parents was after all that happened between us has long gone and disappeared.
I congratulated him on his engagement and to my surprise it was genuine. He said thank you and smiled sheepishly. He looked so happy and I was glad.
After that we said our goodbyes and went out separate ways. I saw him, we smiled and wave and we were okay. It was cool that we could just be friends, or rather acquaintances without any complications.
I realized the whole time that I was talking to him, I didn't feel hurt, sad, or even angry. I just felt excited that I finally saw him again after all these years and I was able to talk to him without my feelings getting in the way. My heart felt so lighthearted and the adrenaline that came with it was because of how unexpected our meeting was.
As soon as I got back home, I texted hazreeni and told her what happened. I called Jibah reliving the entire moment. I realized through retelling the story, I have completely moved on. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, heck even physically. It may have took me 7 years but I'm finally there. I moved on. And that without falling in love for someone else, which is what I stood behind for so many years. That you can't completely move on until you found someone else to be in love with. That fateful meeting with him proved that wrong.
For the first time in, ever. I was able to say "I'm fine." and mean it.
No comments:
Post a Comment