Not so sweet nineteen. Or maybe it was sweet.

Finally, I'm back home for sem break and I have never felt so relieved yet anxious at the same time. I'm not expecting myself to do anything productive when I reach home cos, well, that's exactly what sem break is all about. Being as useless/lifeless as you can because once you get back in the game, there's no such thing as a day off anymore.

You know I've been meaning to update this blog for a very very very, immensely, long time. There were so many things I needed to share but I got caught up in my own feelings of distraught and unhappiness that I can't be bothered with anything else once I reach my room. But I knew I gotta update it sooner or later. Not because I think I have millions of readers no definitely not that. It's more of a self-satisfaction kinda thing. I haven't written anything only for sheer pleasure in a very long time that I got scared I might lose my writing skills altogether. Not that I have a lot to begin with but hey, at least I need to maintain what I can right?

This will be my first post of #whathappenduringthose7monthshiatus

Sooo. Here's the hard part. Where. do I begin?

Birthday Celebrations.

Ok well that was easy.

My nineteenth birthday. The suitable word to describe it would be doubleueeaiardi. weird. It was just weird and just ... ....  the whole birthday thing felt very awkward to me. I wasn't really looking forward to it since turning nineteen means I have one final year before I turn the big 2.0 and that means I only have a year left to complete my "things to do before I turn 20" list. Out of the nineteen things I listed I only managed to crossed out one. And it wasn't even how I wanted it to be but hey, it happened and  at least I got to cross out one. :)

Anyway all I can say it wasn't such a sweet nineteen but I had expected it anyway. The week before, there was just something in my guts that made me feel uneasy about my upcoming birthday. It just didn't feel like I should be anticipating. This is the first bday that I did not feel like celebrating. Seriously. And I'm  pretty sure it wouldn't be the last. Cos well, there's my 30th, 40th. InsyaAllah assuming I get to reach that age. I don't think I'd be anticipating those birthdays either.

I guess part of the reason is because I'm reaching the end of my teenage years and still, I can't find directions or paths that I want to take for the next part of my life. Others are already figuring out what they want to do and what they should do and the possibilities and opportunities they should take along the way. Granted they may not see everything through and through yet but they're getting there. And me. Well.

I'm still stuck at trying to accept that I'm living in this place called reality.

I was so scared of turning nineteen cos I started to realize how old I am. I can't ignore reality anymore and hide in my escapism. I need to wake up now. It sucks.

So yeah if you ask me how my birthday celebration was last year, I would probably say "It was fine" which translates to "It (insert some really bad words here) sucked"

But I wouldn't say it totally sucked. Thanks to a few people that made an effort for it not to.

Thank you to TESL D for wearing our class t-shirt.

Thank you to Haz, Ismah and Eva for that birthday surprise.

Thank you Farzana for the awesome wolf shirt.

Thank you Nuna for coming to Penang and gave me one of the best birthday gifts anyone has ever given me in my nineteen years of miserable life.

Thank you Bat for making that wonderful rainbow cake with my favourite korean male celebrities' bob heads. Truly, I am so touched by the effort and no words can express how grateful I am to have someone like you in my life.

In a way, though my birthday kinda sucked, these people actually made me want to remember this one because of the awesome things they've done for me. Ah crap.

After a 7 months hiatus.

So. 

It's been a long hiatus hasn't it. I don't wanna say the usual trust-me-i've-been-meaning-to-update-my-blog-for-so-long-but-got-held-up-by-life-and-stuffs thing cos I always do whenever I go on without blogging for more than a month or two. Because this time, I  really don't have an excuse. I didn't even bother to come up with one to justify-at least myself if not for anybody else- why I've been on such a long hiatus.

I had plenty of time to write and plenty of things to tell too. Thing is, there are so many things that I need to tell that I ended up not knowing where to begin. And then I started to wonder whether anyone out there could have enough interest in me to read about my daily rants. I mean does this blog even have readers? And you know, when you think too much it kinda gives you a whole new perspective on what you should and shouldn't do ergo procrastination. I decided a few days ago I can't hold it off any longer and that I need to wipe these dusty shelves of drafts. That I need to remind myself the original motive behind this blog. and soooo here I am.

The last time I updated my blog was a few days before my birthday so this officially makes it the longest hiatus I ever had. 7 months. Whoa. Never thought I could stop writing that long. I've always been quite obsessed with pouring my feelings out on my blog considering no one ever actually reads it. I think.

Ok so now the hardest part. Deciding where to begin. Thought of just jumping in but I don't even know how to do that. It kinda feels like you're going to start cleaning your room which has now taken the splitting image of an aftermath of a nuclear bomb explosion, but you don't know where to begin. Do you start with the pile of clothes on your bed, or do you start with the cluster of shoes right beside your wardrobe. Or maybe take care of the jumble of books and papers and files on your desk? And ughh, don't even start on the makeup table it is horrendous.  =.=.

While I was trying to find ideas on what to write for the blog this time, I couldn't help but go down memory lane and look at some of the previous blog posts I have posted and whoaaaaaa, I always thought my grammar was impeccable. Man I was wrong. There were so many grammar mistakes my eyes couldn't help but twinge at some of it like how could I have possibly done that kind of mistake? And I have the nerve to call myself a grammar nazi? Shame on you min shame on you. And I haven't even mentioned the redundant sentences, poor use of vocabs and obnoxiously conceited, cheesy ending lines oh god. I mean I knew my english wasn't great but I didn't think it was THAT bad. Hmmph. Apparently it was. I bet there're so many in this one too I just haven't realized it yet. I bet my 30-year old self would though. Assuming I still use this blog 10 years from now.

And there you go, before you know it I have already blogged about my seven months hiatus. Not knowing what to write can be idea generators sometimes.

I still have a lot to say and a lot more to complain(like a lot) and a lot more questions that I need the readers to answer and give their opinion on but that would  take time since I need to organize my thoughts before anything else. But we have time.

Till next time then?

Nineteenth's Wishlist

Well. Kalau nak ikutkan I nak Samsung Note 3 but well. That's out of the question already in the first place. I had a big birthday celebration last year. With the coming of age week and all. So this year I was thinking of taking it down a notch..

No birthday cake.
No gifts.
No wishes.
In fact no celebration at all.

I just don't feel like I want any of these this year. Suddenly the feeling of wanting a quiet peaceful birthday is all that I crave for.

I know it may sound weird. Or maybe not to those of you who's been preferring quiet birthdays. But not me. A quiet birthday is actually something very new to me. Haven't had one for such a long time.

Scratch that. The right word would be never. I've always treated all my birthdays as grand celebrations. Each one has its own significant memory that I can remember. I mean cmon. It's the day I was born. How can I not celebrate the fact that I've reached another age?

Last year was the my biggest celebration cos it was my 18th bday. It needed to be grand. I had a coming of age week just for that. And maybe I'll have another one when I turn 21 with the rest of MTAK and whatnot.

But for now. For this insignificant 19. I just wanna rest. I wanna celebrate it on my own. Go out with myself. Eat dinner with myself. And watch a movie with myself. Sooo probably, I'm not quite sure of myself either what I'm trying to say, but maybe what I want is

To celebrate my 19th bday with myself. To celebrate me because I've never celebrated for myself. Like you know. I've celebrated my birthdays for me and myself. But when have me celebrate for myself?

Man. *sounds of breaking glasses*

Of course I'd celebrate with others as well. I mean I can't just ignore them completely. But on THAT day itself. The 26th of November in 2013, i want to do whatever I want. And celebrate by myself. Other days, it doesnt matter what people wanna do to celebrate my bday anymore.

Ceeh macam bajet ade org nk celebrate bday kau ye insyirah.

Soo yeah. There's no wish list really. I mean there's a wish but there's no list considering I only have one wish. That's pretty amazing if I think back to my sixteen's wishlist. Birthday wishes from 50 people la, new camera la. Man I was a brat. But reaching nineteen. I only have one. And that is to celebrate my bday on THE day by myself. I want to be able to completely immerse myself in me. Hope that doesn't sound too narcissistic.

If there's a place I wish I could go for my bday though it would be here.

I've always fe;t like I belong in the ocean or the City Of Atlantis if it ever existed.

All of my most vivid dreams involves me being in a lost ocean or lake somewhere with nothing  in sight for miles on end/

I wish I could just be a mermaid

 and live in a far off ocean where the sun never rises. 

Like that picture up there.

Sensitivity at its peak.

I rarely get insecure with myself. And if I do, it's usually after midnight and I just take it as one of those after midnight bad habits. But lately, I don't know, everything feels so overwhelming and completely out of hand. Not sure if it's just me being dramatic again or I'm not doing anything to fix it or if it's just how it is.

I don't exactly know when it this depression/stress-for-no-reason thing began but I'm guessing it started on that final week before midsem break starts. Hell it was one panic week. Never have I had a more chaotic week than that one. Which seems like it's a long time ago but in actuality it was the previous week. -,-

Everyday for the first three days, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday just feels really frantic and everything and everyone is just waiting to burst and explode itself all over me. And well, after Wednesday, everything else was pretty mellow. The problem was trying to get through those three days. All I can conclude after I reached Thursday was that going through those three days felt like going through one year of hard labour. 

Ok a bit exaggerated but you guys know what I'm trying to send across here. And as the week progresses, with so many thing clouding my head and mind, I find myself disappearing behind all those workload. I don't feel happy nor excited nor good about everything and everyone around me anymore. I can't. And when I do feel something, it usually is a feeling of anger, sad, hurt, irritation, agitation, frustrated mauled into one big nameless emotion. And I just couldn't stand all the pressure. I didn't wanna tell anyone though, cos everyone I know is going through the same thing as I am and if they're not whining then why should I? 

Mentally and physically I was weak. Weak beyond repair. Only Leauran and Emmeliene knew that. And if they weren't trying to take over my body all the time, I might actually like having them inside of me. They can be very good listeners. Well what else can they do except hear me complain all day long. Bet it's the highlight of their day. *nods*

Okay enough crap talk,  basically, i thought after those three days are over, then this whole moaning-sad-all-the-time would also be over. And I felt okay for a while. But then it came again, that feeling of a rope pulling me down into nothingness. into sorrow like I've never felt before. And for once in my life. I was afraid of the incoming feelings. It just feels a whole lot different this time. 

But I tried to keep my mind positive. I told myself that the hols are coming and for this one week at home, I will replenish my energy and self-being. I'm going to meet my blood sisters and some kuantan peeps and boom. I'll be happy as a bunny again. 

Enigma. It didn't. I just feel a whole lot worse about myself as every single day passes and my tweets became so emo that I don't even know what the hell is wrong with my brain anymore. I keep saying hurtful things to people that I never meant or want to hurt. I can't help it. The cruel words just roll out of my tongue like it's been there the whole time, just waiting for the time to be released. 

I became tactless, spiteful and my sensitivity to every actions, every word uttered, and every type of environment just increase by tenfold. 

And insecurities? Oh don't even get me started on that. That is just another topic altogether. 

Even my blog dh emo. Congratulations Shamin, you are nothing but boring. 

Is there anything at all that could get me the hell out of here? Anything at all. Cos believe me I tried.

Gatherings and Sem Break. :)

Say whaaat? Dah midsem? dang. Didn't know time could fly that fast. Seriously. Feels like only two weeks ago I just reached Penang and going through orientation week at USM. Now it's like I'm already halfway through the semester. It's quite unbelievable actually. 

Things have been oddly hectic yet mellow for the past month. Assignments have been more demanding than ever and my social life has taken a toll on itself. I'm starting to realize that, probably, it's not USM that I hate, but degree life itself. I may need some more time to adjust myself to it. Like hey, what do you expect from a freshman who's only two months into her degree?

So now I'm back at home enjoying my short-lived midsem break. One week of holiday feels like two eye blinks now. And a week of class feels like a long drought. Seriously. Or maybe because I enjoy it, it seems short, and the fact that I'm not particularly enthusiastic about classes makes it feel like it's going to drag forever.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, I went back home for Infinite's One Great Step concert(Woohoo!). It was on the 19th of October on a Saturday. So I thought I'd go back a little earlier and use the chance to meet up with my Kuantan peeps as well. Tapi kalau nk jumpa sume mmg x sempat la kan. I mean, they're practically scattered all over Selangor.

Jibah, Shira, Hakim, Afiq, Yas in UM.

Nuna, Bat, Lutfil, Balong in UPM

Shady in UKM

Napi, Puteri, L, and MANY MANY MORE is in UiTM.

I know I couldn't possibly go visit all of them with the little time I had so I had to pick one. And I decided to pick the one I miss and want to see the most which was Jib and Shira. UM it is then.

I was planning to meet them at UM at first, but few things changed and we ended up meeting at Mid Valley and I did not expect that many to turn out. Nuna and Shady joined us, so in a way I x payah pegi UKM dah. LOL. The only person that wasn't there was Bat or else it would've been complete. :(

So cam biasala mula2, pegi makan. talk bout how our different uni lives are progressing and shits. And then suddenly everyone nak overnight pulaaak. We went to KLCC and met with Iqbal and Farid. UM peeps' friends. LOL. Ijul, Shira's boyfriend came along as well. So bole bayang tak how many of us were all together.

Shira, Ijul, Iqbal, Balong, Ajim, Afiq, Farid, Shady, Hakim, Haz, Nuna, Jibah, and me. 13 altogether. Same amount of Super Junior. lol. Sorry. I just had to relate to kpop didn't I.

We went to all sorts of places that night I tell you. Like I don't even know where we went, cos there were many places that we stopped by and it was all just very blurrish to me.

But hell it was fun. Never had that much fun since I entered USM. Then I truly realized how much I miss Jib and Shira.

One thing though that got me thinking that night, I wonder how different my life would be if I entered UM. If I chose UM instead USM. And I can't deny there was that tiny bit feeling of regret that I chose USM over UM.

I was thinking of all the what ifs and it just sadden me to the amount I can't describe anymore.

But I know, I know everything happens for a reason and I know there was a reason why Allah put me in USM instead of UM. That's the only thing I'm holding onto as of now. The only thing I can truly trust.

These are the pic I got from Nuna and Haz's phone. I wish I could get the pics from the others sbb xde gmbar jibah and afiq and the rest. Dayummnn.

Infinite's OGS for next post. Wait for it. :)

First Weekend Back Home.

Things Are Looking Up I Guess.

So it's been a month over since I started my degree here at USM and Alhamdullilah things are finally getting better. I feel the love for this place coming little by little each day and I am hoping to the heavens that the love will continue on growing and not just stop halfway. Please. 

Degree life is hectic. That's all I can say. There's just so many things that needs to be done in a certain amount of time and though it seems like you have all the time in the world with you, before you know it, you're walking on a thread trying to catch up with everyone else. Definitely a 360 degrees change from foundation. Not that I didn't expect it. Just probably. 

Well.

I wasn't prepared for it. 

But the seniors said that your busiest year would be your first and second year so just bear with it for a while. And I wish nothing but for it to be the truth. I honestly don't know how long I'm going to keep up with everything for the next two years. Endurance has never been one of my stronger abilities.

And I don't think I'd survive another day here if MTAK isn't around. They literally make everything at least bearable.

I am constantly stressed out or panic for the time being. There's just so many things that needs my attention that I ended up losing focus in everything I do. And when I do decide to focus, I don't know where to even start. Oh and don't even start on assignments and tutorials, i mean they literally take up ninety percent of my time and St.John meetings every saturday mornings is just making everything worse. No one wants their Saturdays disturbed and certainly no one wants to wake up early on a saturday. But I have to wake up at 6 every saturday morning just to be in time for St. John. I mean, no sleep in after Subuh prayer on Saturdays is just something I'm not used to yet. I guess I will in a few weeks time. I have to I guess.

*Deep Breaths*

But but but but but. Despite everything, I still love my Uni life right now. I mean now it really feels like I'm in another phase of my life. Another era. There are still some things that I need some adjusting to but hey, when have I ever not been able to adjust myself to anything right?

Acceptance Is Needed.

Hello my beautiful imagination readers! Been a while since I last updated and I can proudly say it is due to pure laziness that has been building and spreading itself inside of me for the last few weeks. Well, months I should say.

And everytime I find myself in the mood to update, my laptop wouldn't be there for me to realize my dreams. Sobs Sobs. Ok drama min. Drama.

So i guess the first question is, how have you guys been? Everyone I know is starting a new journey. A new path. A new adventure. Including yours truly. :)

So MONTHS ago. back when I was still fat and hopeless and useless at home, UPU results came out and Alhamdullilah, I was offered a spot in UM and USM as well. Both offered similar courses as well. TESL in UM or TESOL in USM. I had the most difficult time in picking between them actually whereas everyone around me could see the obvious choice I should make. Which is UM. I wondered myself. Why. Why was I having second thoughts on picking either of them. Why couldn't I make my decision in a heartbeat and be done with it?

Because it wasn't that simple as people thought it'd be. I'm going to be spending the most important four years of my life in one of these universities, of course I can't just simply pick. I can't rule USM out just because UM was the other choice, that would be judgemental. I needed to really pull out all the pros and cons.

Most people suggested UM because it was closer to home and it's in KL. And they say that like it's a good thing whereas I like being far from home. Or studying somewhere far. I like far. It gives me this sense of independence that I feel I can control with my own hands. So if it's distance I wanted, then the obvious choice would USM. But UM is like THE uni to go to. And I, Shamin Insyirah Roslan was offered a spot. Is it right for me to decline it?

Shortening the story, I chose USM for reasons that now seemed vague and unimportant to me. But oh well, I've made my decision and now I'm here.

I didn't really like USM at first.

No.


Not even one tiny bit. Just everything about it wreaks of "academic". That was when I started to wonder if I've made the wrong decision by choosing USM. Orientation was hell of course. It was even worse than the MDS i experienced in Jengka.


But it's been one month since I got here, and slowly I'm adjusting to everything. Slowly, I'm starting to love my life here. It's all about being positive people.

There's tons of things I'd still love to share but my writing have gone a little rusty and well, xde mood nak blog.

Ni pun sbb x nk kasi blog berhabuk je.

Till next time peeps.

According To One's Preferences.

I think.

I can boldly say I am a mess right now. Well, when am I ever not.

But for the past week, it was as if something has possessed me inside and has been pushing all the wrong buttons in my body.

I mean, I have acknowledge the fact that I'm an over thinker a long time ago. But nowadays, I may have given the word "over think" a brand new definition. You have no idea how even the slightest things could make me go through an emotional breakdown due to over thinking.

There is one thing that's been bothering me quite a lot lately though and I don't know if it's the result of over thinking or if it's just that feeling I always get once in a while.. I've always trained myself to not bother with these kinds of things cos it's not worth to be bothered with anyway.

But I know I'm human. There are just times where my shield of force weakens and there is nothing else I could do except wait for it to strengthen itself again.

For one, I think my English has gotten worse or maybe I was never really good at it anyway. Just enough for me to speak and communicate efficiently. And maybe get a course in it.

I've always wanted to be a TV Presenter, or a newscaster. Anything that involves in having me in front of the camera and talk till I have nothing to say anymore. But how can I do that when I don't even have the power of amazing vocabs in my hand? The fluency of talking? And with the level of English I am at right now, no one in their right mind would want to hire me.

But hey, I'm nineteen, the world of possibilities is still wide open for me. And to so many others. 

Indecisive.

Everything in my life now seems to be very indecisive. 

Helloooo~ and Assalamualaikum.

It's been a while huh? I didn't realize how dusty this blog has gotten till I decided to log in today.

It's not like I didn't have anything to write about. In fact there are so many I don't even know how or where to begin. And everytime I found the time to sit down and start on a new entry, my mind always got distracted by, well,

all the things that was happening simultaneously in my life.

I still had everything under control. I WAS in control.

Until June came along.

It was as if an unexpected thunderstorm of emotional events bombarded my life. 

The first week of June was coming and that means MDS was around the corner too. I didn't know if I should feel excited or stressed that I'm going back to Jengka for MDS. Sure, I'd be one of the committee now instead of going through the actual MDS itself, but anything that reminds of the MDS that I went through last year would probably just traumatized me.

The only thing I was happy about was the fact that I get to go back to Kuantan and meet my peeps again. And I get two weeks off from work, so all in all, everything was still in a jolly good mood.

MDS, was -in one way to put it- unexpected. It really was. When I first saw UiTM Jengka again I thought I was going crazy. The fact that this place only held bad memories for me and the fact that I am here on my own will, nothing makes sense to me anymore.

But being the organizer of MDS with all the other committee from Jengka and going through MDS with them was different than when I was going through MDS as a new student.

After a week or so, MDS ended and I never thought I'd wanted MDS to be longer. I wished MDS could go on for two more weeks. I didn't wanna leave Jengka and everyone behind. I really did not want to.The new bonds I've made, all the new experiences I'd never be able to forget.

Well, as soon as MDS ended, it was back to work and to my ordinary boring life.

I don't exactly know what happen to me after MDS. Emotionally. It was like my mind and my heart was still in Jengka and my soulless body was here going through my everyday routines like it was asked to. I was so depressed that at one point I thought I lost myself completely. I didn't know who I was and what I was doing anymore. I just feel like crying half of the day.

I stayed in Jengka for one WEEK and it affected me this bad. I wondered the whole time what triggered my emotions to be fairly unstable for the next three weeks.

My hearts always feel uneasy and somehow I just knew that something bad was coming.

I was shocked by a news a few days later that a schoolmate of mine from MRSM Kuala Terengganu has just passed away. Izzat or better known as Pok Jak passed away due to a road accident. My mind went blank. It took me quite a while to process everything in my mind. To accept the fact that he was truly gone, back to his Creator.

I can't say that I was a close friend of Pok Jak but we were friends in a way. I first started to get to know him when we both joined PRS in school and I started to get to know him when he became the president and I became the vice president. And after school ended we hung out a few times. A friend.

Things started to get better after that.

Ismah, Hanna Haz and I had a sleepover and it was heavenly. I had the best times with these kids. LOL.

All in all though, June was just a turmoil of emotions for me. The things I did, feel, or see in that month is just like a blur of vision to me now. Too many things to remember, too many things to forget.

A lot of things happenned actually tp sebab malas gile nk gilee nk tulis I just pointed out the highlights of the month. LOL.