Hi Dal,

By the time you read this, you're probably already in Hertfordshire, awaiting. preparing for your next journey. 

Being an avid language enthusiast, I can't help but use dramatic adjectives so as you continue on reading, if you find things a little bit too cheesy, cringy or dramatic, do ignore my dramatic ass lol. 

This, is my personal blog. Only a few people know about its existence and those who don't are only able to find it through accident searches or if they really want to stalk me. 

I don't usually tell people about my blog because it is a personal space. A personal space where my deepest thoughts can roam free and those who read it are usually people who are free of judgmental opinions. A personal space that lets me say the silliest reflections without the getting the side-eyes from society's norm rules. A place that lets me experience the irony of being personal yet putting it in a space where the public's eye can constantly watch.

But I guess you've become important enough to me that I feel comfortable enough to share my most important space. I know you enough to know that you will never judge what has been written here. (Which takda apa sangat pun lol but well, you never know) 

You know, I used to think that the affection I give to people has to be equally reciprocated by the other person and if I don't receive as much as I give then that person isn't worth fighting for. That person deserve neither attention nor my time. And I've always been hurt by the fact that I always trust people too easily or give more than what I'm supposed to. And due to my possessive and twisted definition of love, I almost lost all of my friends. 

Which is why for a long time, I have always guarded my heart. Keep people at a distance. Make sure nobody knows that they can hurt me eventhough they already did. 

Took months of therapy and self reflection to finally realise that love is selfless. and if I expect to receive when I give. Then that is not love, it is just a barter system. When you do something out of genuine feelings, then there shouldn't be any feelings of needing that person to give back the same amount. That was the first time I realize that maybe my parents love me after all. Always giving without really expecting me to repay all the things they have done for me. 

I finally learn to do that with my friends. To give without expecting anything back. It was hard and still is and I still find myself reluctant to do things for people I KNOW in my heart do not cherish me as much as I cherish them. But I'm trying. I'm trying to be selfless as I can be. 

I know we haven't known each other for very long. But during the short time that I've gotten to know you, I don't know why, how, or what this is, but I've always felt that I could be open to you about things. Like something that tells me she'd listen to what I have to say, and she wouldn't judge. Something that tells me we were supposed to find each other and be friends. Maybe because I know a person who could be with Bangtan since the beginning, a group that special, is probably special too.

And whatever I may or may not have done for you, it was the first time I never felt like I need to be reciprocated back. I just did it because I want to. It was the first time I didn't have to try. And because of that you're sort of special. 

Back then, when I was stanning bangtan, it was hard because I had no one to talk to about them. I had no one to talk to about the meaning of their lyrics and what it means to millions of others who listen to them. And when I met you, it was like stanning them for the first time all over again. It was like I finally found someone who understands I guess.  

And as we cry through the fact that we weren't able to see them during Wings tour and Speak Yourself.  As we cry when we listen to Young Forever being sung at Wembley, as we made a promise to one day, go to their concert together. I have never felt more determined to keep a promise. I have never felt the need to actually make a dream come true. Us in the concert stadium, waving our army bombs, crying while fanchanting our hearts out and going home with our wrecked souls content and happy.

Maybe our friendship is a temporary fate. And maybe it could also be a long-lasting friendship that neither of us could've foreseen. But I just need you to know that I value you a lot and having you around as a friend and a fellow army has been one of the best blessings in my life. (see? dramatic . -.-)

I just would like to apologize if during the course of our short time together, I have hurt you with my actions, or words or anything at all regardless of it being unintentional.  These words somehow are hard to form on my dry chapped lips, and I know the only way I will be brave enough to say all of this to you is through the one place I have always been brave enough to say things that are usually stuck in my throat. 

I  don't know where the future will take me and I don't know whether I will be in yours. But I intend to work hard to make sure you will still be there in mine :) 

Have fun in UK. Stay safe. Be happy. Find yourself and make sure you speak yourself. I will always be just a call or text away if you need anything and support you from afar. 

Maybe I'm being too sentimental.Maybe I'm saying too much. Maybe you don't even feel as much as I do lol. But if there's anything I learn from rehabilitation sessions, it's that don't ever regret not saying things that you should have. 

Plus I'm a Sagittarius I can't help but be an emotional sap -.-

Sincerely, 

Min

One of those days.

It's one of those days. 

One of those days that I always pray would never come again.  

There is this terrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. It started yesterday, and I thought atleast, by this morning it would go away. A false alarm. But it just got stronger and more apparent. The worst part is I never know what will go down till it happens. And I wish it will happen soon. Whatever it might be. However bad it might be. 

The last time this happened was 6-5 years ago and I don't even remember what happened after that. I just remembered I had a really bad day after a particular incident and at the end of it, a sense of relief washed over because that terrible gut feeling is no longer attached to my every waking moment. 

Year of Conscience

2018. 

What a year. 

What. A. Year.

I guess, if there's one thing I'm grateful for in 2018 is how it was not nearly as bad as the year before that. In fact it was not bad. not bad at all.


Granted, there were slight misfortunes here and there, but it was nothing that I can't handle. Or so I thought lol.

But more than anything, 2018 has been a year of conscience for me.

A lot of things happened, and a lot of those times have led me to question my own moral compass and before I knew it,  I lost that too. It made me someone I thought I'd never be. But then again, it's something I feel I need to go through. I needed to know how far I would go for myself. for the people I care about. for my sanity.

One thing I realize is that I can't be selfless and still live a life where I'm happy and content. But I also realize that I can't prioritize myself without hurting the people I care about. It was a balance that I struggled to find and still am struggling with till today.


I was hurt. A lot. This year. And while in the process of healing myself, I unknowingly hurt other people too. I hurt them so bad that it was nearly impossible to mend the relationship that we had.

I tried to be selfless. And it didn't work.

So i tried to be selfish. And that made things worse.

So now I'm nowhere I'm supposed to be. I lost the support of the one I loved the most. And I'm dangling on invisible threads trying to be there for the ones who need me.

In the end there is no right or wrong. There is no moral compass to guide. There is no such thing as a toxic relationship/friendship or a toxic you. It's all just perspectives. And personal opinions. And what you may think is the right thing to do may not be right in another judgement and that is probably the hardest things I had to come to terms with last year.

I stopped following my heart. Or my mind for that matter. Cause when I follow either, I always end up ruining one small spectrum of my life.Conscience is the only thing that hasn't betrayed me.

And it is the only thing that dictates my course of actions now. Let's see how that will work out in 2019.

Procrastination at its best.

In your humble opinion, how long does it take procrastinator to make its next move? A procrastinator would say a whole lifetime, unless a due date is given.

I don't know when procrastination became a part of me, but one day it just did and I have never had enough willpower to fight it wholeheartedly. For many years, ongoing efforts were made to fight it but as you can see, to no avail. 

And as my work starts to pile up to an impossible mountain, my anxiety level increases. But the procrastination never backed down regardless how dire everything seems to be. Believe me I'm trying to fight it every single day. I know that I'm no longer at an age where procrastination is allowed. I know that if I still maintain this unhealthy habit I will never achieve the goals I have set upon myself. And everyday I try to find some sort of motivation to help me overcome this stupid habit.
\
I've always admired people who are able to change themselves. Change their habits for self betterment cause it is hard as hell. You fight with yourself everyday, and during those internal struggles, you can't be happy. You're too focused on a battle that never seems to end and you end up having no time to feel happy at all.

Some say if you can't fight em, join em. And procrastination is really good at recruiting people. If procrastination was a person, I would die to be her apprentice. How do you stand tall in the midst of all the hatred directed towards you? How are you able to fight everyone and prevail as the one bad habit in almost every person's life that they can never seem to really eradicate? Just how do you do it?

Maintain is goal

Cos I can't control my weight.

It goes up really quickly.

It goes down just as fast.

And it's frustrating cos it's tiring for the body. It's tiring for my mental health. It's tiring for me to figure out what stage I am in my diet and of course, it obviously shows, I'm doing it wrong.

I have never hated myself more.

And I'm still trying to figure out how majority of people can love themselves. For real how do you do that

Impending darkness.

I try to stay upright.

I try to hold still.

I try to stay insane. 

But I'm known to be too weak to hold on for too long. 

I made myself weak. 

And I'm paying the price. 

I am not fooled by April

No I am not.

First off Happy April Fools day everybody. Seems like this year all the fansites are going crazy over april's special day as well. I saw a rapmon fansite become bobby's. One of minseok's become the manager's. lol that one was funny.

Anyway the first day of April brought challenges of themselves. For one thing I was suppose to have the meal of a lifetime today after a while. But due to unavoidable circumstances it was postponed. Really like someone did an april fools on me when it had nothing to do with april fools in the first day. ironic really.

And the GST thing starts today which is also ironic because everyone's been dreading it and it just has to start on the first of April. Feel like the government just wants to play with people's feelings like "oh why not we start on April Fool's day? HAHAHAHHAHA. ISN"T THAT FUNNY"

haha.

It's also the second day Jae's in the army. I wonder if he's doing fine. I worry for him a lot really. especially after knowing what division he was assigned to.

haih.

what a fool. I am.

I Said NO procrastination.

See but that's all I did today. 

I skipped all my classes today. Could've get loads of shits done. Would even have time to study for my korean language test tomorrow. But no. 

I decided to just lay around. log on twitter occasionally, read a few fics. eat. then take a nap. And these actions were repeated throughout the whole day. 

Yet I told myself at the beginning of the sem that I will control my procrastination and I won't let it control me this time. Today though, proves that it still does and if I don't start fighting for real, I might just never win against it. or anything else for that matter, 

I have two presentations next week, a post-mortem for st.john's project to watch over, a korean language test tomorrow that probably takes 30% of my final grade. 

And I have the balls to procrastinate like it's nobody business? 

Yep. I definitely deserve a scholarship. 

really, it's amazing that I get to blog today on time. 

oh. and it's minseok's bday tomorrow. 

Hell is Coming.

I can feel it. 

This semester. 

It's going to be hell. 

And this time. 

I don't know if I can even make it out alive. 

I Need Imagination

My mind's been dull for a few days now. Like something is just not functioning on the inside. And it's so weird cause I feel stupid and pathetic and empty. 

Or maybe that's what I've been this whole time. And i've just been imagining that I have imaginations. 

uh huh. 

Overweight.

Yes I am. I really am. 

Despite people telling me that I'm not actually fat cos I don't look that way to them. I am actually overweight. BMI says so. 

See I know that I'm not actually that fat. And I know I don't look that fat either. But even so I'm still overweight and it gets me wondering how thin I would look when I get my normal BMI. The thought alone was enough to fuel enough energy in me to continue on with my diet I've been no-so-diligently following for the past year.

I have to say though I'm currently having an unfathomable hunger to become thin. Some people give words of supports and encouragement. Some laugh. Some are just a little too outraged that I'm not proud of curves. Though I have to say that last one is kinda irrelevant. I mean just because you're thin it doesn't mean you can't have curves aite. 

True I've gotten a lot slimmer now than when I was back in Kuantan though I really have to thank USM for this. They gave me the highest and furthest college in the campus so most of the time, since the bus is either too late or just absent without reason, I have to walk a lot just to get my daily business done on time. But it's not enough. 

I need to be thinner. 

Slimmer. 

Healthier. 

The only thing standing between me and thin is this question. 

How badly do I want it?