What a relief.

Min Yoongi once said this. 

"What a relief, that we are seven. 

What a relief, that we are together."

And at that time I shed tears because of what it meant to him and the rest of the group. 

And a few days ago, I shed tears because of what it meant to me personally. 

I went out with meteoras a couple of days ago. It's been a while since we hang out with all six of us. The last time we did it wasn't for a very pleasant reason lol. The original reason why we wanted for everyone to meet was because Jibs will be going to Japan next month as a part of her exchange program, but Bat had something bigger in mind. 

She finally gave us our Bridesmaid invitations. And the long impending wedding date. I knew she had already started on wedding preparations, I just didn't expect it to be this year and this soon too. 

19.10.19.  The perfect date for a wedding. 

And as we ate and chat and share stories to celebrate our friend's good news, I leaned back and realize what a relief that we are still the six of us. What a relief that we could still be together. 

Because I don't know what I would've done if we weren't.

Desperate or lack of love?

I think, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the need of some kind of validation from the opposite sex. Ironic considering how I always proclaim myself as independent. Feminist.  At first I thought it was just because of my natural instinct as a female species to have desire towards boys. But to have it when I was 9? 10 years old? It just doesn't seem natural or normal to me. And the fact that this goes on through my high school and uni life, it just never seemed like a normal thing. Not when you're 13 and all you can think about is loving and devoting your entirety to that 17 year old you have your eye on. 

Why was I so desperate? Why was I looking for a partner so bad? Could it be because my feelings were never reciprocated? Well that smells like desperate doesn't it?  Or was it because everyone around me were in love and I wasn't? Wow that stinks of desperate.

Then could it be the jealousy of watching them living all these romantic ideals I've always dreamt of  (fuck chick flicks and korean dramas man) or was it because I envy the fact that someone else was able to accept them for all their imperfections? 

Growing up I always had this one thought that was constantly bugging my mind. If no one could (even) love my physical appearance, how the hell will they love what is within me? How is that even possible? And even if they were able to love my physical appearance, that will be just the beginning of things they need to learn to love about me right? 

Having a lot of skinny best friends didn't help. ( Ok like I know taking only physical appearance into account is kinda shitty but when you're a teenager and you like someone, it all starts with your physical attributions) 

I've never been one to love myself. To accept myself.  Believe me I have tried. Countless times in fact. But how can I when I don't even like who or what I've become? I know a lot of people say that you have to love yourself before anybody can love you. But no one has ever told you how to accept yourself. No one has ever told you how you're supposed to love yourself. They always tell you to just do it because they are able to. SO PESSIMISTIC BUT JUST HEAR ME RANT OKAY I'M IN ONE OF THOSE MOODS. 

But how are you suppose to JUST love yourself when you grow up with people who were never around to teach you what self love is? How are you supposed to love yourself when you have never been properly taught what forms love can be in?

My parents raised us to be independent ever since we were kids. But sometimes I think they wanted us to be too independent. Learn everything by ourselves. Even love. And while my sisters, as pretty as they are, were able to receive such love when they were in school, I, on the other hand had to fight for it. I didn't know how and I didn't know what I was fighting for anyway but I knew I wanted that same affection I always see people giving my sisters.  What's even more amazing though, I was resented for it. It took me years to realize what I did wrong but by then it was already too late.

The only thing I remember of my parents when I was young was how they always only ask how my grades were doing at school. It was the only thing that ever mattered to them. I guess that's another reason why I never really cared to share anything with them.

If it weren't for my fear of god, I would have killed myself a long time ago. If it weren't for the fact that my existence still matters to God, I would have stopped living many years ago.

So tell me, looking for love all these years, is it a matter of desperation that comes out of wanting to have what everybody always have. Or is it due to the lack of love that I haven't been able to learn and receive over the past years?

Either way, time is running out. And I'm beginning to consider death by accident isn't such a bad thing after all. 

90 KG

I weigh 90 kg. Nine. TY. NINE ZERO.

The heaviest weight I have ever been and it feels terrible. You start to wonder when did it even happen. When did eating becomes a burden. 

I'm starting my diet again. I don't have this obsession with being super skinny anymore and I don't really mind being thicc but 90 kg is just.. 

My clothes don't fit anymore. I find it much harder to do physical things. I start binging on so many sugary treats. It all makes sense and yet it doesn't. I haven't been eating more. I haven't changed my eating habits. Not since I stopped dieting a few years ago. But why do I keep on putting more and more weight?

Dieting and exercising is probably one of the hardest things I try to commit myself to. Which is why I quit halfway through my diet project a few years ago. How I wish I hadn't but I guess even then I wasn't strong enough to go through anything till the end. But it wasn't on purpose. I didn't quit on purpose nor did I want to. It just happened.

I guess it's time for me to realize I'm not 16 anymore. I can't just eat anything and everything and expect myself to stay skinny like all my other friends. It just doesn't work for me that way. 

Tell me where to go.

"I'm 23. I just graduated. And I've been unemployed for nearly four months with no idea or clue whatsoever as to what job I need to pursue to give me the necessary experience for future needs. I read a lot of articles about 23 being a lost age for most people and I didn't realize how true those articles could be until I face that age. Right now. Right at this moment. 

The age feels like an intermission between parts in movies. The exasperated sigh when we see the word intermission comes on screen cause now we have to wait for a whole 5 seconds before the movie continues but when it passes, we realize how short , insignificant those 5 seconds were. But it has to be there. It has to exist and we have to go through it to get to the next part in the movie. And right now that's what 23 feels to me. A short, insignificant intermission with the most excruciating pain. 

I tried to think positively albeit it never works. But I lost out of options and I had no choice but to utilize every option there is. I know that this is all going to pass. I know that I'll be where I want to be sooner or later. But I also can't help to thinking about what if I don't? What if I get stuck at the intermission for the rest of my life and my only way out of it was to buy a new CD but life isn't like a CD. You can't buy a new life. You can't rewind what has been done. And you can't rewrite as easily either. 

It's such a terrifying blank stage. A fall that you see no land to fall on. A dive you see no depths could end. A flight with no destination in sight. And there is a 50/50 chance that you will either plummet to your death or find something that will just leave you with heavy injuries everywhere. 

All these years I thought I was quite independent and I was good with making my own life decisions but now I realize everything was set out for me and all I needed to do was take the spoon and put it in my mouth. There was also something prepared for me after the end t "

I wrote the above in September last year but I don't even remember writing it. I don't remember when I did it or where I was when I was writing it down. But I do remember the feeling. So very vividly. It was a feeling I never want to experience again if I can help it. I took my time reflecting myself and on my actions and I realize how much of a failure I was, and how much of a success I have been.

We all know that life has its ups and downs but no one ever really tells you the extremity of the ups and the severity of the downs. As I grow older, I start to realize the most terrifying thing isn't the challenges life presents every single day, instead it's the fact that I know how rough things will always be only this time, without the much needed mercy on an inexperienced adult. Life knows no difference. You learn life by living your life and by the time you think you've figured it all out, it bites you up the ass with a readied smirk on its face. Regardless of how ready you think you are, regardless of how prepared you think you are, you never are and you never will. And we're supposed to be okay with it. We don't really have the option not to do we? "That's life"

It's been a few months, I have a better job, I might own a car soon, and I am definitely at a better state than I was last september.

It's been a few months, I'm still very much confused about where I should go, what I should do and whether any of my choices were the right ones to make.

24. Most people at work say I'm still so young, and I for one agree and disagree. Too old to make stupid risks, but too young to not take those risks.

So tell me where to go.

He's finally gone.

...

Black Week

What a black week indeed. 

Jae finally cut off his hair. 

This is not a dream. 

There is no waking up. 

Black week is almost ending. 

Which also means he is finally leaving. 

And I don't think my heart can take it. 

Despite how much I convinced myself I could. 

It's really happening.

You're really leaving

Don't Go.

Please

I Said NO procrastination.

See but that's all I did today. 

I skipped all my classes today. Could've get loads of shits done. Would even have time to study for my korean language test tomorrow. But no. 

I decided to just lay around. log on twitter occasionally, read a few fics. eat. then take a nap. And these actions were repeated throughout the whole day. 

Yet I told myself at the beginning of the sem that I will control my procrastination and I won't let it control me this time. Today though, proves that it still does and if I don't start fighting for real, I might just never win against it. or anything else for that matter, 

I have two presentations next week, a post-mortem for st.john's project to watch over, a korean language test tomorrow that probably takes 30% of my final grade. 

And I have the balls to procrastinate like it's nobody business? 

Yep. I definitely deserve a scholarship. 

really, it's amazing that I get to blog today on time. 

oh. and it's minseok's bday tomorrow. 

#BlackWeek

With Jaejoong leaving for the army in less than a week, it is inevitable that I go through such a week.

One week to Jaejoong's enlistment I made myself a #blackweek and wear black from head to toe as a sign of mourning. As a sign of letting Jae go and wait for him to come back in two years. 

I don't know if it's the pms or just due to the fact that Jae is leaving that is making me all moody and have unexplainable moodswings. Or maybe it's because I'm wearing all black and that is affecting what I feel most of the time. 

But I know I'm not fun to be around anymore. 

Which is why I don't feel like going anywhere nor do anything. I don't feel like going to some fancy dinner with an unknown blind date who by the way is only taking me because he has no other choice. I don't feel like doing any assignments when in actuality I have to prepare for two by next week. I don't feel like doing any notes on all the previous classes when I know I should if I ever want to get dean's list. I feel like there're so many things that needs to be done. MUST be done. 

But it's #blackweek. 

And black is telling me to mainly focus on Jae's leave. 

I wanted to.

We were best friends back in Asasi. This one dude and I. I even dare say I was closer to him than my Meteoras. We both got into USM. And I really thought we'd go a long way. 

But things happened.

Maybe I was oversensitive. 

Maybe he didn't treasure the friendship as I wish he would. 

either way, one day we weren't friends anymore. I kinda wished we were able to fix. I kinda wish that we'd get through this. 

But my heart was hurting too much and it was the last straw. 

And I was happy. Letting go of him. Though it hurt. Though it broke me down to pieces at one point. But I was finally happy and free. 

But I saw him last night. 

And everything I tried to make myself believe I was happier without him came crashing down without warning. 

I didn't greet him. Nor did I acknowledge his presence. Though he did. 

But I wanted to. I wanted to look him in the eyes. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to say, "I miss you and I want us to be like old times again"

But that would mean all my efforts would be a waste. That would mean I have forgotten all the broken promises and careless words. That would mean I wasn't hurting anymore.

But I was. And I still am.

But I miss us. 

Wonder.

If anything is ever going to make sense.

Maybe you just need to believe.

What's the point of me putting efforts if you'll never believe?

One thing at a time.

Keep your calm.

Maintain your pace.

And everything should go smoothly.

When Caring Becomes Too Much.

And it ain't even the right kind of caring. 

It's the I-like-being-in-everybody's-business kind of caring. I mean I know I too sometime poke my nose here and there but I always know where to cross the line. Some people unfortunately, are not aware that there is such a thing. And it sucks when that person keeps reappearing in your life even when he or she has nothing to do with you anymore. 

It sucks even more when that person is affecting the people closest to you as well. 

See I get it if you hate us. I get that you despise us despite the fact that we have done nothing in particular towards you or any of your friends for you to develop this unnecessary hate on us. Because yeah you don't need a reason to hate on people, you can hate them all you want and badmouth us to anyone you want. People need entertainment to survive and for a lifeless person such as yourself this is the perfect entertainment. For a person who claims that you have so much going on in your life, that you don't even have time for such petty things, you seemed to be contributing quite an amount of time and effort into condemning us to every person who would lend their ears. 

I did say I get it. But I still don't know why you are actually doing it. Why you're so interested in condemning everyone else's life because for sure someone who's willing to go as far as you would only have one reason as to why. It's because you think you have the right to have a say in everything wrong in other people's life. What you don't realize is that your life is having it much worse. 

Always playing the victim when in actuality you were the one who started up the fight. When in the truest form you were the one who wanted the drama so you can play the victim all over again.

And to tell you the truth. I used to feel so sorry for you. 

Now it's just sympathy. 

He Was Like A Gift

So as I mentioned in my post yesterday. it was my birthday according to the Islamic Calendar and also coincidentally a Friday the 13th so I had a hunch that it would be a good day as two of my favorite days were occurring at the same time yeaay. 

And yeah. it was a good day. :D

I went down to Saujana and Restu's shared cafe to have lunch and FINALLY. 

I saw Daffodil. Loves. 

This is the first time I actually saw him this semester and everything was just kind of befitting. First time seeing him. on my islamic birthdate no less! AND FRIDAY THE 13TH NO LESS! gawd it just felt so right. It felt like the most appropriate gift I could ever get on such a day. He was wearing Baju Melayu (++ POINTS HERE) and it was one of my of fav colours nonetheless. GREEEEY with a simple dark denim. 

So. perfect. 

And I saw him again when I went to Big Bad Wolf. He was wearing black and white stripes tshirt and he has never looked so good and I think he's been working out too, from the looks of the barely there muscles on his arms. I've always liked men with a lil bit of muscle. :)

He's always so simple in what he chooses to wear but he looks impeccable all the time anyways.

Tell me 

How can I not be attracted to such man. 

If only I can get the chance to talk to him. atleast once. Just so I can see what kind of a person he truly is and if I would really fall for him once I really know what he's like. <3 p="">

It's 13. And It's Friday.

And coincidentally it's my birthday according to the islamic calendar.

And it's Friday the 13th.

For sure it's going to be a good day right?

Ideal Type.

Dark Skin

Cos men who can work darker skin can work anything.

Curly hair.

Cos they're so much more fun to play with than straight hair.

Sharp Jawline.

Just because.


Just like

Reese Ritchie

Hell.

To the yeah 

It's my fault

It will always be.

And so it ends.

Freedoms are so short.