Everyone But Me

It sucks. 

To be the only one among your circles of friends that hasn't traveled anywhere for pure bliss. For pure personal enjoyment. 

Ok. So I stayed on this page for 15 minutes and just stared at the blank post, wondering how I'm going to write out the next sentence. I was thinking about writing how it sucks to be me cause I've never had the chance to go on a vacation but I suddenly had this realization that it isn't always about me. Also which tells me I should change the title of this post so as not to sound so self-absorbed but I find it so fitting in an ironic and not-so-ironic-actually way but I'll talk all about that self realization at the end of the post. I should write about what I wanted to in the first place shan't I. 

See, I went back from work today with a calmed feeling in my heart. Work was ok except for the rushed morning which is basically how it is every morning. And I even brought myself three very delicious mini pavlovas and an egg tart and I had nasi kukus for lunch so all's good in Shamin Insyirah's daily mundane life. 

But I got home and I slept due to fatigue and when I woke up, I found whatsapps by my meteoras and not horny sluts and it was at that moment I realize that I've never actually been on a trip. or a vacation. among all my closest friends. 

And tonight. 

I don't know why of all night. 

It upsets me so bad I cried. 

The more I put my thoughts on it, the more tears came spilling out. And I know it seems like a stupid reason to cry about but when you become the only person who's been stuck on a mindless same routine for such a long time, it just feels. 

that. 

Like you're stuck. Everyone's been on escapism but you. 

Nothing. 

Among my blood sisters, Alea went to Paris. Ama is studying in UK and went to vacay at Krabi during her semester break. Ammera went to China I think? And Hajar studied in Sarawak so she's visited lots of places that differs so much from home. 

Among my meteoras, Bat went to Jakarta last year, Jibs went to Johor a couple of times to meet up with her high school friends, Haz went to Langkawi and Pangkor with her navy friends, And Shady went to Kazakhstan and got the best time of her life. 

With Not Horny Sluts, Well, Hakim is going to Sabah Mid-Feb. And Nuna's going to Korea again in April. Farzana went to Sarawak this past week. 

My mother and my sister are going to paris and venice sometime in April. And if you're wondering why I'm not going it's because I don't have the money. My mom is going on all expense-paid trip cos she's presenting her PhD thesis there and my sister has jpa so obviously she has the money.

And then there's me. 

At some point you just get frustrated. And my frustration is equivalent to a small girl in a small town who has no way out of it or has been waiting too long to just get out of town for a couple of weeks.

And the worst part of it all is that I'm upset with myself. Upset that I hadn't exactly been saving from all the jobs I've done over the years. Upset that I was reckless back then. Upset that I envy my sister because she's had jpa scholarship her whole college life and has never had to work just to earn a lil bit money while I have to work my ass of everytime sem break rolls around just earn some. And it's not like I have scholarship for my studies either. I'm upset. Really really upset. 

Devastated in fact. 

And like always, I know this is such a petty thing to be complaining about and I'm trying not to. But then I thought better blog cos no one's ever going to care rather than telling people and annoy the hell out of them. Might as well let it all out kan? 

I'm uncertain about my future. In fact I don't see it so bright anymore. 

I'm not pretty enough to attract anyone.

I don't have a boyfriend. 

In fact I might not even get married. 

And I absolutely do not have anything going on for me right now. 

And to top all that off, I don't even have the chance to go on a freaking vacation that I WANT. 

Then again it's not always about me is it? And I've been trying to remember that. Trying not to wallow in self-pity. Yeah I haven't been on a vacation but I've had a good life kan? Compared to other who's having it worse than me? 

I'm sorry again. To think that it's always about me. I get emo on a daily basis so I can't help but whine a little too much. I only kept thinking of my bad fortunes I forget to be grateful at times. 

I am trying though. I do hope that counts for something at least?