The M Word.

It's the other M word. 

Mother. 

Since I started working, my surrounding peers only consist of mothers. Even my two colleagues, who seemed young enough to just be normal students looking for a little bit of income just like me are married. 

And ALL they ever talk about are their kids. Like  24/7. It's like they wanna share every single detail of their kids' life to their friends. All the little slip ups and accomplishments. Even what they eat and how they woke up. Just everything lah. And me being the only person with no child to brag about (or a boyfriend, let alone a husband for that matter), well you know it can get a little frustrating. 

Well first there's that. The frustrating part cause work can be tiring at times and sometimes the only way to endure it all a little better is to have a friend or a colleague that you can talk mindless stuff about. Just so that the days can feel a little shorter and a little burdensome. So I ended up not talking at all during work hours, only opening my mouth when it's necessary to say something which got me to do a lot of thinking and a lot of depressing. I realize I do that when I don't talk for a long time. Get more depressed that I already am. 

And then comes the other part. I mentioned nano seconds ago that while those annoying conversations about their kids got me to shut up most of the time, I also ended up doing a lot of thinking. About being a mother. Becoming one. True I'm only 21 (ONLY though?) and most people would say I still have a long way to go before I'll become a parent but is it though. Just a few years ago I was living life and content with the fact that I just turned 18. Young and free. The word reckless resonating with the age 18. 

In 10 blinks, I'm already in the year I'll turn 21 and force to think of responsibilities I'll be carrying and the consequences of each decisions I take. So I don't think I'm far off the year where I have to concern myself with being a mother.  To say I'm terrified would be an understatement and to say I want to be a mother would be a lie. Because if I'm being truly honest with myself here, I don't want to. I don't even see myself being someone who can take care of another soul. Let alone a little fragile one. I can barely even take care of myself. And the more I hear them talking about their kids, the more I watch reality shows with mothers doting on their children no matter how much hardships they're going through, It kinda brings confirmation to my mind that I am not cut out for this. Of course if mothers read this they'd smile knowingly and think "You're still young child. You won't know what you're capable of till you become one. You'll surprise yourself even. I mean look at me-" and they'll go on and on and on. 

I'll give them credit though cos they are strong enough to be moms but that doesn't mean everyone is cut out for such a heavy responsibility. And if my religion hasn't told me the wonders of being a mother I probably wouldn't consider becoming one at all. I mean I know it's not all bad and if my observations are correct, mothers everywhere would probably say their children is probably the best thing that has ever happened in their life.The best gift bestowed upon them. 

But the thought of the things, hours and pleasures you have to sacrifice in order for the child to grow up well; I mean first of all I don't even have any pleasures to sacrifice, I can barely think and decide for myself and I am still very uncertain about my future. Like I-Could-Be-Homeless uncertain. And yes I'm only twenty one, I know I know I know. But I won't be able to say the same thing five years from now and I'm still in the state I am right now can I?

Because you see, my life has a habit of standing still for a very, very long time.

And we haven't even gotten to the part of the husband yet! Like how I'll probably never find one, possible ever because I'm just that messed up. Add that to a non-pretty face and you got yourself a female who has the possibility of being single for the rest of her life so don't concern yourself with having a child Shamin Insyirah you probably won't even find a male that likes you romantically.

Like ever.